Archives: General

A good idea

02.01.2012 3:23 PM

Jonathan Rauch regularly has good ideas.  Now he has another one.  Here’s an excerpt from his article:

In 2008, California’s voters approved Proposition 8, which rescinded court-ordered same-sex marriage. Some angry gay activists then boycotted or protested businesses that employed Prop 8 supporters, even if all the supporters did was donate $100.  We don’t know how many people actually lost jobs because of these heavy-handed tactics. Probably very few. But never mind; the stratagem became the story. “Prop 8 Foes Turn to ‘Blacklist’ Tactics,” shouted a USA Today headline. Justified or not, fear spread in conservative circles that getting on the wrong side of gay marriage could cost you your job. “People tell us that their livelihoods have been threatened solely because of their public advocacy opposing same-sex marriage,” said Maggie Gallagher, founder of the National Organization for Marriage. “Fine,” say some gay rights activists. “If they’re going to be bigots, they should be afraid to speak out.” Wrong. What the gay-rights movement has always really stood for is a country where we can all express our identities and convictions without fear: a country without closets, gay or straight.  On precisely that principle, gay civil rights groups have for years pressed for laws protecting gays from workplace discrimination, with only spotty success. At the federal level, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act has been stalled for years. Cultural conservatives insist it enshrines “special rights.” Enter Ben McAdams and Derek Brown. And a new idea.


With friends like these

01.30.2012 6:01 PM

At the NYTs, an interesting post by Thomas Edsell on Gingrich and cultural conservatives.  I see the same thing that Edsell sees, and it is shocking.  Only a few years ago, Christian conservatives seemed genuinely outraged at Clinton’s sexual misconduct and, in general, seemed sincerely to place a high priority on supporting politicians who, at least publicly, were seen as sober, clean-living, family-oriented people.   But in South Carolina, anyway, Christian conservatives didn’t seem very enamored of either Santorum or Romney — each a poster boy from central casting for what used to be called “family values” — and instead largely voted for Gingrich, beside whom Clinton on his worst day seemed like an uptight Sunday School superintendent.  In fact, I think it’s fair to say that if Christian conservatives can accept Gingrich’s personal behavior, there is absolutely nothing, nada, in the area of personal sexual and family conduct that is unacceptable to them.  When exactly did this change occur, and what on earth does it mean?  I’m not sure, but one guess is that society as a whole, conservative Christians included, are changing their minds on nearly all things sexual and familial at what amounts in socio-political terms to warp speed.   I know there are other (and maybe more damning) possible explanations, but this strikes me as one of them, anyway. (Sigh.)   It seems quite likely that, after Florida, in the coming weeks, Gingrich, a truly awful man, will win or nearly win a number of primaries in the Deep South, largely on the basis of the male evangelical voter who used to be, but appears to be no longer, concerned with the issues of marriage and family.


How Will the Death of Disney Moms Shape our Grief?

01.24.2012 12:18 PM

Today’s Obit.com re-posts a piece by David Jays on Disney movies and death, and aptly points out how mothers are most likely missing in Disney movies.  Does Ariel have a mom? Does Belle have a mom?  Does Jasmine have a mom?  Pinnochio has no mom.  Cinderella’s mom is dead and replaced by an evil Stepmother who competes with her.  Snow White’s mom is dead and replaced by an evil Stepmother who competes with her. In Tangled, Rapunzel is kidnapped by an evil, faux mother who uses her magic hair to stay eternally young. Sleeping Beauty has a mom, but she also doesn’t really have a name (can you think of it? It’s Aurora…) and she is in a coma. And of course, Bambi’s mom dies:

“Disney’s films are undeniably weird about mothers. Dumbo’s mother is locked up, Pinocchio lacks one entirely, while the maternal instinct curdles in stories drawn from fairy tales. Snow White’s villainous stepmother is both icy beauty and cackling hag, intent on murder. Bambi, however, is full of anodyne mothers – a herd of Stepford beasts contentedly putters along with their cubs and chicks (where are all the fathers? Do they commute to hunt and gather?). But the maternal bond truly interests Disney only when under threat. The little deer’s mother is less a character than an enveloping maternal instinct – a vague presence but an awesome, aching absence.

The studio was already preparing Bambi when Flora Disney died from carbon monoxide poisoning in 1938. According to biographer Neal Garber, “it may have been the most shattering moment of Walt Disney’s life … he was inconsolable.” He refused to discuss the death, but instructed the artists creating Pinocchio to delete all references to the wife of woodcarver Geppetto, making him a bachelor. Bambi’s trauma may have been Disney’s own.”

Granted, now a days kids are inundated with all sorts of movies and TV but for my generation Disney and Charlie Brown (no parents!) were it.  The very words “limited release” and “Disney vault” still spark anxiety in me.  Makes me wonder how Disney depictions of mother and death will shape our future caregiving and grieving practices.  Will we be looking for escape a la coma, dwarfs, balls, and beasts?  Will we be alone?  I am always struck by how despite being reunited with family and future spouse, the Disney Princesses are always depicted alone, staring off into space.  No one shares their reality, not even what they are looking at!


Casino Prep Schools

01.24.2012 11:15 AM

Dr. Lloyd Sederer, Medical Director for the New York State Office of Mental Health, coins this phrase: Casino Prep Schools, as he describes the evolution of arcades to casino-like fantasy worlds.  He writes:

In casinos for kids, in addition to the games there are drinks and food everywhere you turn: high-sugar and high-fat foods, including huge glasses of sugary beverages, nachos and potato skins in which cheese and bacon swim, sour cream like it was running water, and chicken and buffalo wings as plentiful as kudzu. These foods fuel the brain and body for the high intensity, electronic world of video games (and the few retro toss-the-ball games embedded among the digital delights). These are foods that antecede (and later accompany) the nicotine and alcohol that youth will graduate to further stimulate the reward centers of the brain.

There is also the paper gaming tickets of varying values in casinos for kids. Youth and adult players buy these at a gazebo located at the very center of the well of machines so there is never far to walk to convert paper money for valueless paper that lets you play. The tickets are paper versions of gambling chips, of course. There is a store at the rear where wads of tickets can be exchanged for stuffed toys of every color in the rainbow. The machines are programmed to let some win, some of the time, just like in any casino. But make no mistake: The house always wins.

As a mother who avoids Chuck E. Cheese or other such “pizza” and arcade destinations/Dante’s 7th ring of hell like the plague, I find myself agreeing with Dr. Sederer.  Any place that requires your children to be stamped with a matching, infrared stamp as their parents so that other adults do not steal your children under the guise of total chaos, is not somewhere I want to be.  And yet, my kids would sell their right arms to go.

Makes me wonder, whatever happened to Skee Ball?


The Dream

01.16.2012 12:06 PM

On this most auspicious of federal holidays, the day every year when I tear up watching old footage of the great man, the Fredricksburg (Virginia) Free-Lance Star editors have written a powerful piece, citing in part my colleague and director of our Center for Thrift and Generosity Barbara Dafoe Whitehead:

THE Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. told the truth, and when he did it ruffled feathers and stirred up trouble. In the 44 years since his death by assassination, nothing much has changed.

The truth is like a mirror, and the reflection–injustice, racism, oppression, pain, dysfunction–produces discomfort long before it becomes a catalyst for change. King paid the ultimate price for speaking truth, losing his life at the peak of his influence. Others also have reaped disdain or scorn for their attempts to reflect reality. Witness the late Daniel Patrick Moynihan, who, as assistant secretary of labor in the Kennedy administration, saw that welfare policies that contributed to the breakdown of the black family were counterproductive. He was called a reactionary by Great Society loyalists, but he was right.

So was Vice President Dan Quayle, who, in 1992, condemned television’s “Murphy Brown” for exalting unwed motherhood. Social historian Barbara Defoe Whitehead, in an award-winning article in The Atlantic Monthly the next year, statistically proved that “Dan Quayle was right,” that “children in families disrupted by divorce and out-of-wedlock birth do worse than children in intact families on several measures of well-being.”

In 1964, when the War on Poverty began, 6.8 percent of births were out of wedlock. Today, that number is 40 percent. Among blacks it is a tragic 72.3 percent. And what’s ahead for children born to single moms? They are five times as likely to be poor, and much more apt to have emotional and behavioral problems, drop out of school, smoke, drink, use drugs, and experience unwed and/or teen pregnancy themselves. The cycle of pain and poverty continues unless some group or government or family or group of families initiates a change–a change that begins with a reality check. more


The Many Amenities at Wyzax Surrogacy Homes

01.14.2012 2:01 PM

At Wyzax Surrogacy Consultants, we ensure that all of our animals, I mean surrogates, are well provided for and attended to- in the most comfortable of home environments.

The stay of surrogates at surrogate homes offers distinct advantages as follows:
a)-Our Co-ordinators & Social workers can have a direct control over the surrogates
b)-Surrogate tests, medicines, food, nutrition & hygiene can be strictly monitored
c)-Any unforeseen complications can be immediately attended to
d)-A positive environment can be created for the surrogates through devotional music, extra curricular activities, entertainment tools, & by engaging them in developing vocational skills
e)-Strict monitoring can be done to ensure that the surrogates avoid physical contact through crucial periods of pregnancy
f)-It can be ensured that the surrogates stay away from prohibited activities like smoking, consuming alcohol, eating tobacco, etc
g)-Complete physical & mental rest can be ensured , especially after ET
h)-The surrogates can be provided a family environment by allowing them to be with their husbands & kids regularly
i)-Proper security for the surrogates can be ensured
j)-Human rights of the surrogates can be ensured
k)-Basic needs for a comfortable living can be provided- hot & cold water, coolers & heaters, television & radio, refrigerator & cooking gas, etc.

“As soon as men have figured out how to have babies without women, it will be the end of women kind, it will be the coming gynocide.” -Andrea Dworkin.

Surrogacy is a great place to start in the devaluing of women.


Anonymous Us. Episode 11.

01.12.2012 2:30 PM

On this episode, we hear first from a woman who never knew her biological father. Her lesbian mother had an affair with a man and never told him about the pregnancy. Later in life, the woman experienced infertility for herself and was encouraged by her doctor to use an egg donor.

Our second story is by a transgender donor-conceived person- it is a beautiful letter written to hir father, asking him in a number of ways one simple question, who are you?


Metaphors

01.10.2012 10:37 PM

Listening to NPR while driving home tonight I heard senior Washington editor Ron Elving reporting from New Hampshire. Romney winning, he said, would be unsurprising: “It will be like a well child check and we can all smile and go home.”

After a lifetime of hearing male political reporters use war and sports metaphors to make their point, I was pleased to hear, this time, a pediatric metaphor.


Two Sides of One Shield

01.09.2012 9:00 AM

From which radical second-wave feminist marxist text was the following passage pulled:

“The purpose of government was the guarding of property-rights, the perpetuation of ancient force and modern fraud. Or was it marriage? Marriage and prostitution were two sides of one shield, the predatory man’s exploitation of the sex-pleasure. The difference between them was a difference of class. If a woman had money she might dictate her own terms: equality, a life contract, and the legitimacy- that is, the property-rights- of her children. If she had no money, she was a proletarian, and sold herself for an existence.”

Any guesses?

It’s a passage in Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle, published in 1906.

I highlight it because it reminded me of some recent conversations that have been occurring at Family Scholars Blog. Recently at FSB, Barry posted on marriage’s problematic history with respect to coverture and women’s rights. His point was, to paraphrase, to ask opponents of same-sex marriage who appealed to tradition why they rejected other aspects of “traditional marriage” if preserving tradition was so important and vital.

Interestingly, opponents of same-sex marriage who commented to Barry’s post mostly expressed a similar sentiment, perhaps best expressed by this comment:

“Reaching back to 1886 to find a case to make an argument that doesn’t really have anything to do with the subject at hand seems a bit desperate.”

Indeed. And, isn’t it interesting to see opponents of same-sex marriage suddenly find the appeal to history and tradition so…. unappealing and irrelevant. I mean, I’m all for people recognizing the absurdity and offensiveness of coverture, but…. the way some people talk about how Marriage These Days is in the pits, one doesn’t always know which historical traditions they actually would be in favor of restoring and which they would reject in order to save marriage.

Which brings us to two.

Upton Sinclair was writing in 1906. A lot of things have changed for women since 1906. But, during the time in which he was writing, I don’t think his observation would have been an unfair representation of what marriage was for many women. Lacking the same opportunities as men to support themselves and their families, marriage was often a matter of survival. As was prostitution, and working in a limited number of fields for a fraction of the wages that men earned.

In her bookRight-Wing Women, writing in post-sexual-revolution 1983, radical feminist Andrea Dworkin echoed Sinclair’s observation:

“[Right-wing women] see that traditional marriage means selling [sex] to one man, not hundreds: the better deal… They see that the money they can earn will not make them independent of men and that they will still have to play the sex games: at home and at work too…. Right-wing women are not wrong”

I’m not sure many opponents of same-sex marriage, many of whom mock, ridicule, and dismiss feminist critiques of “traditional marriage,” understand women’s legitimate concern about efforts to regress back to more “traditional” understandings of gender roles and marriage. Again, it’s not always clear which aspects of these understanding “marriage defenders” accept and which they reject.

This is especially so when people, like Phylis Schlafly for instance, imply that women who have careers are selfish and that fathers have no corresponding responsibility to balance their professional and home lives. (Interestingly, this view also implies that fathers don’t have an important role in the upbringing and rearing of children, other than bringing home a paycheck. A role that, by the way, could easily be fulfilled by another woman these days).

My point is this.

Women, and men, should have a choice about working and/or staying home without people with large platforms shaming them for these choices and saying that they can only do one or the other because of their gender. Not only is it not selfish for a woman to work outside the home, or lazy for a man to want to be the primary caretaker for his children, oftentimes, both women and men (or both partners in a same-sex relationship) have to work anyway, to make ends meet. The financial ability for one spouse not to work is a real privilege.

It behooves the “marriage defense” movement to recognize not only that reality, but the reality that many people have negative connotations with what people like Schlafly refer to as “the traditional lifestyle of husband-provider and fulltime homemaker.” It doesn’t resonate.

Not only because many people believe it is a narrative of Real Family that erases non-heterosexual families, but because pressuring women into being financially dependant upon their “husband-providers” doesn’t feel to them what marriage is or should be.

It feels like an exchange of home-making, sexual, and reproductive services for the privilege of a home to live in and food to eat. I’m not saying all women feel that or that women who are homemakers are prostitutes, but if women don’t have a genuine choice about the matter (or don’t think they do because being a Real Woman is defined as being a homemaker), many women will feel that way.

And, these women will reject “traditional marriage” and all that it stands for, in favor of more progressive definitions and labels. The better deal.


The Family Debate, then and now

01.06.2012 4:00 PM

Terrific and thoughtful commentary happening in the comments section of this post by Mitch Pearlstein. Be sure to take a look.


FamilyScholars Facebook page

12.29.2011 6:37 PM

Curious? Check it out and consider liking it – and thanks!


Kathryn Joyce at the Atlantic: ‘How Ethiopia’s Adoption Industry Dupes Families and Bullies Activists’

12.29.2011 12:18 PM

…That increase has also brought stories of corruption, child trafficking, and fraud. Parents began to publicize the stories their adopted children told them when they learned English: that they had parents and families at home, who sometimes thought they were going to the U.S. to receive an education and then return. Media investigations have found evidence that adoption agencies had recruited children from intact families. Ethiopia’s government found that some children’s paperwork had been doctored to list children who had been relinquished by living parents as orphans instead, which allowed the agencies to avoid lengthy court vetting procedures…


Listening to Young People

12.29.2011 11:58 AM

A FamilyScholars reader writes to me about the NYT front page article this week about young adults with Asperger’s syndrom dating:

As the parent of a teenager who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s, I found this to be a sensitive, well-written article. Be sure to click on the videos that are embedded in the article.

In thinking about why I like those embedded videos, my mind wandered to what you’ve written about the need to listen to kids — to make sure that their voices are heard on issues such as ART, divorce, and adoption. I like that the NYT is giving Jack and Kirsten a chance to speak directly.


The Gift of Family for the Holidays

12.20.2011 7:56 PM

Holiday time is here again. Time at the end of the year for families and friends to join together, gifts given, pictures taken to mark the year just past and to make memories for the years to come.

Cities and towns, big and small, have there own symbols of the season.  In Washington, D.C. the tree on the White House lawn can be seen for miles. Rockefeller Center’s tree in New York City is the place where locals and tourists alike confirm the season has officially arrived.  Even my small town of Beverly Hills has its traditional Santa and sleigh stretched high above Wilshire Blvd, only a block from brightly decorated Rodeo Drive.

Turning on the radio fills your home and car with the songs of Christmas and those family favorites from my childhood, “Miracle on 34th Street”; “White Christmas” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” still play over and over on TV. Young families still start Christmas morning with an early morning wake up as their excited children run in to see what Santa left.  For some families it is the celebration of Hanukah, the faces of the family’s children reflected in the glow of the menorah as an additional candle is added for eight nights.

Each family has their own special traditions during the holiday season that is repeated each year and passed on to the younger generation. It is the memories of these traditions we wish our children to have to pass on to children of their own, but the truth is we have to accept that the face of family has changed. Read More


Explaining the Figures in Latest State of Our Unions

12.12.2011 1:20 PM

Recently, Professor Philip Cohen raised concerns about the methodology of the new State of Our Unions report. We are happy to respond to his criticisms.

One of Cohen’s critiques was that some of the figures show similar predicted probabilities for the different groups. Indeed, Cohen stated that they are alarmingly similar. This similarity arises from the way that we chose to treat non-significant dummy variables when calculating predicted probabilities from the logistic regression models.

We faced a (common) dilemma as we created figures from the regression models: Should we create the figures by including the variables and intercepts with non-significant coefficients or should we create the figures using only those variables and intercepts that are significant? Read More


Beautifully Dynamic New Story at Anonymous Us

12.08.2011 3:21 PM

Dynamic story from a woman who never knew her father, grew up with her gay mother, and later on confronted the fertility industry and all of its webs of possibilities when she discovered her own infertility.

 

I grew up with an identity problem which affected my relationships and self esteem, not to mention the undescribable “longing” and constant ache to know the piece of me that was missing…

…I was unable to get pregnant, because my eggs were too old. We consulted with a fertility doctor who advised us to use an egg donor.


New Episode of Anonymous Us Podcast

12.08.2011 3:00 PM

One story, and one poem – from two donor-conceived people with very different views.


Parenting = Marriage Misery?

12.08.2011 9:46 AM

Over at The Atlantic,  Elizabeth Marquardt and Brad Wilcox take on the “Does parenthood make your marriage miserable?” question, based on the findings from the  new State of Our Unions report out today. 

Also, if you are in the New York City area, Marquardt and Wilcox will be discussing the new report tonight at the Center for Public Conversation. Yours truly and my wife and fellow FamilyScholars blogger Amber Lapp will also be in on the conversation, which will be moderated by David Blankenhorn (Amber and I are new parents — so we’re supposed to have something to say about the report!). See here for full details.


Life’s Greatest Joys

12.08.2011 4:14 AM

The first thought I had after reading The State of Our Unions, Marriage in America 2011, was that I am willing to bet that Wilcox and Marquardt are well traveled. We in the westsern world, with our wealth and career aspiration, are so quick to excuse ourselves out of the human experience of parenthood. Yet someone who has seen life as it is lived all over the world knows that what makes most of the several billion people on the planet happy are their children.

“Life in a Day” is a movie compiled of amateur videos taken in 192 countries over the course of one day. After seeing images from so many cultures and countries and homes, one man’s commentary stood out in my memory. He essentially asked what the meaning of life was if children were not happy with their mother, and men were not happy with the wives of their youth? Read More


Happy Thanksgiving

11.24.2011 9:47 AM

Here’s to a wonderful American holiday that celebrates the coming together of family and friends in an attitude of gratitude, open to all regardless of religious or cultural background, with little emphasis on consumerism except for over-consumption of turkey and pumpkin pie.

Happy Thanksgiving!