If you’re in Washington, be sure to go see Andrew Root talk about his excellent book, Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being, on February 6th.
Archives: Children of Divorce
Children of Divorce: Broken Origins and the Question of Being
Elizabeth Marquardt 01.25.2012 7:44 PM
Categories: Children of Divorce
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Co-Parenting Pre-Conception Arrangements
Elizabeth Marquardt 01.25.2012 5:29 PM
I wrote about them here and here.
A FamilyScholars reader sends me two recent examples in the news, apparently spurred by yet another ridiculous new “family building” website:
…In comes co-parenting. It’s a concept where unmarried adults who decide that marriage isn’t for them, or whose biological clock is winding down, decide they want to have a child, married or not. Two mature adults can decide that they want to have a child, become loving parents, and never even live together. …A start-up company has actually moved to capitalize on this concept. Modamily, a New York based firm, has developed a social network for potential parents to find a mate without the pressure of relationships or marriage. The site reminds me of Match.com, but with a completely different focus. You can even choose which method of conception you are open to (natural or artificial).
…Simply put, co-parenting is the practice of raising a child together without all the messy romantic stuff. Two adults, both hankering to be parents, join forces to have and raise a baby. But they don’t get married. And they don’t love each other, at least not like that. According to Modamily, a website for people looking to create co-parenting arrangements, co-parenting is, “the shared raising of a child between two loving, committed, and financially secure adults.” Modamily claims that the set-up helps to solve the problem of quickie-clock-ticker marriages and resulting divorces.
If you want to learn more about Modamily google them yourself.
Categories: Childbearing, Children of Divorce, Reproductive Technologies, The Future of Parenthood
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Forgiving is not forgetting
Jolyn Rudelson 01.23.2012 5:45 PM
A recent article in Huffington Post Divorce Section piqued my interest.
The author, psychologist Rachel Sussman was commenting on the number of times she was aware of both divorced parents being present at several holiday functions she attended.
In her article focusing on forgiveness between a divorced couple for 2012 she states:
Forgiveness is a conscious decision to let go of unpleasant or disturbing feelings about your ex. It’s about releasing the fury and the resentment. It’s about reaching deep into your soul and discovering some degree of empathy.Or even better, understanding for the person who caused you pain. This doesn’t mean you have to exonerate what he or she did to you—but it’s about being able to look past those transgressions and say, ‘Yes I can forgive this person for being imperfect.’ Believe me, uttering these words can release you and help you get on with your life in a more positive way.
This reminded me of what I had meant in my book, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU: A Grandparent’s Guide to Surviving Divorce in the Family:
What makes the difference with the divorces that succeed and those that fail? No magic formula is required. Any parent can succeed in “Divorce 101.’ It’s really simple. It only requires two divorced parents who understand that their marriage may have failed, but who are both willing to take the “ME” and the “YOU” out of the divorce and work together to achieve a successful one.
Regarding the possible forgiveness of one ex for another a common response is the following: How can I possibly forget that my ex did such and such to me?
Yet those very same individuals seem to have been so easily able to forget the loving reason they got married to their ex in the first place.
Forgiveness really seems to be the key to being able to get past all the ugly stuff that always comes up between a couple getting a divorce. It certainly takes time after a divorce for the willingness to forgive is developed. But when finally given, the couple will find it much easier to work together to achieve a successful divorce for the benefit of their children.
Forgiving is very hard for those who have experienced divorce. But forgiveness doesn’t mean you have forgotten or pardoned any of the wrongdoing or egregious mistakes that led up to your bad divorce or of the battle that took place afterward. It only means that you have chosen to reposition your focus from a negative to a positive one, from the past to the future. And by changing your focus you will prevent the anger and rage you have been storing from consuming you. It’s like the old saying, “ if you keep looking in your rear view mirror. You are sure to see a wreck.”
Those who have been thinking that forgiveness must be given by one ex-spouse toward the other may have really been focusing their attention in the wrong direction. The gift of forgiving an ex-spouse may be more easily achieved by first forgiving oneself for a marriage perceived as a personal failure.
Once you can forgive yourself, you can start looking ahead to the future. Or as the author and theologian Lewis Smedes put it so eloquently, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.”
Categories: Children of Divorce
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Why even try to raise a child in one home?
Elizabeth Marquardt 01.06.2012 3:53 PM
A San Francisco Chronicle article on a new documentary screening soon on PBS:
…Experts in the film forecast a new marriage in which partners sign 15- or 20-year renewable contracts instead, keeping some or all of their economic, parenting and living arrangements separate. Because so many kids are already being shuttled between divorced homes, why not bear children with friends in the first place and avoid the acrimony?
In our report One Parent or Five I refer to these as Co-Parenting Pre-Conception Arrangements. Here’s a HuffPo piece I wrote on why I think it’s a rotten idea.
Categories: Children of Divorce, The Future of Parenthood
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David Brooks on debt, divorce then and now
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.29.2011 12:13 PM
…The progressive era still had a Victorian culture, with its rectitude and restrictions. Back then, there was a moral horror at the thought of debt. No matter how bad the economic problems became, progressive-era politicians did not impose huge debt burdens on their children. That ethos is clearly gone.
In the progressive era, there was an understanding that men who impregnated women should marry them. It didn’t always work in practice, but that was the strong social norm. Today, that norm has dissolved. Forty percent of American children are born out of wedlock. This sentences the U.S. to another generation of widening inequality and slower human capital development…
Categories: Childbearing, Children of Divorce, Marriage and Money
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Virtual Doesn’t Cut It
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.29.2011 12:09 PM
I wonder if this guy gets to pay less child support because of these regular video chat “visits”?
…A mother in Vancouver (her name is not appearing here to protect her toddler’s privacy), complained that her ex-husband, who video chats three times a week with their 23-month-old daughter, seemed to believe that such interactions were an adequate form of being a parent. It has “given him an excuse to be an absent father.”
“He can say, ‘Oh yeah, I saw her, she’s doing this and that,’ ” the mother said. “But she has no sense of him. She can’t touch him, she can’t feel him. There’s none of that other sensory experience. He hasn’t seen her in person since she was 3 weeks old…”
Categories: Children of Divorce, Fatherhood, The Future of Parenthood
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Class, Cohabitation, and Fears of Divorce
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.26.2011 4:11 PM
HuffPo Divorce interviews Sharon Sassler of Cornell, on a recent paper she published in the Journal of Family Relations.
…For those who were children of divorce themselves, how did that affect their views on marriage?
They often referenced their families and their parents’ marriages as cautionary tales, but that doesn’t stop them from being in relationships, it’s just an added layer of anxiety. The working classes are more likely to have experienced their parents’ divorce, and they move in together more quickly, but there is an economic element to this — they’re more likely to move in more rapidly because of the financial need.
For the middle class respondents, they’re much more likely to have dated for over a year or longer and that’s not often the case with the working class. The college-educated respondents had held on to their apartments longer before moving in together, even though they might have been spending as much time together as the cohabiters. They still had that escape hatch. If you’re working two minimum-wage jobs, it’s harder to maintain that second apartment. more
Categories: Children of Divorce, Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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The Gift of Family for the Holidays
Jolyn Rudelson 12.20.2011 7:56 PM
Holiday time is here again. Time at the end of the year for families and friends to join together, gifts given, pictures taken to mark the year just past and to make memories for the years to come.
Cities and towns, big and small, have there own symbols of the season. In Washington, D.C. the tree on the White House lawn can be seen for miles. Rockefeller Center’s tree in New York City is the place where locals and tourists alike confirm the season has officially arrived. Even my small town of Beverly Hills has its traditional Santa and sleigh stretched high above Wilshire Blvd, only a block from brightly decorated Rodeo Drive.
Turning on the radio fills your home and car with the songs of Christmas and those family favorites from my childhood, “Miracle on 34th Street”; “White Christmas” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” still play over and over on TV. Young families still start Christmas morning with an early morning wake up as their excited children run in to see what Santa left. For some families it is the celebration of Hanukah, the faces of the family’s children reflected in the glow of the menorah as an additional candle is added for eight nights.
Each family has their own special traditions during the holiday season that is repeated each year and passed on to the younger generation. It is the memories of these traditions we wish our children to have to pass on to children of their own, but the truth is we have to accept that the face of family has changed. Read More
Tags: ABV FAMILIES, children of divorce, cohabitation, disengaged children, families, Marriage, sperm donation
Categories: Children of Divorce, General, Marriage
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Slate: At Dear Prudence, it’s icky stepfather week
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.12.2011 10:29 AM
Categories: Children of Divorce
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‘Divorcing marriage from children’
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.07.2011 3:28 PM
A two part series by George Mason law professor Helen Alvaré, at Public Discourse:
The first part of this series summarized two centuries of Supreme Court opinions identifying the state’s interest in marriage with its interests in children, their formation for self-government, and the building of a decentralized society. Today, however, those who demand state recognition of same-sex marriage either ignore or minimize the relationship between marriage law and children’s welfare. In light of the Supreme Court decisions discussed here yesterday, this seems a foolish strategy, bound to fail.
Yet it is making some headway. To understand this, is it necessary to grasp how myriad family law developments over the last forty to fifty years have ignored or minimized children’s interests, thus paving the way for the arguments same-sex marriage proponents advance today. For example, as against the idea that marriage and child well-being go together, state laws approving no-fault divorce and normalizing cohabitation (by enforcing cohabitation agreements) do not take children’s presence in a household into consideration at all. Rather, they allow more and more children to be reared outside of households containing their married, biological parents. They also expose more children to instability in living arrangements, and to stepparents and new boyfriends, each of which is, on average, correlated with increased risks to children’s safety and to their emotional and educational achievement. more
Categories: Childhood, Children of Divorce, Marriage
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Wallerstein: ‘How children of divorce do and do not learn’
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.07.2011 3:15 PM
A lovely HuffPo piece today by pioneering children of divorce scholar, Judith Wallerstein:
Children of divorce soon learn to get along. As they go from Mom’s house to Dad’s house and as they meet their parent’s new lovers and acquire stepparents and new half siblings, they find that each family is like another country and getting along in both places is the child’s job. They discover that each family has different rules and expectations at table, at bedtime, in manners, in what children are encouraged or forbidden to do or say. Always there are invisible requirements that are only spoken if the child trespasses. Children of divorce, as Elizabeth Marquardt wrote when reminiscing about her own childhood, are called upon to become little chameleons.
…Yet many children of divorce learn to get along, to meet changing conditions, to acquire socially adaptive skills that stand them in very good stead when they grow up — skills of tact and diplomacy that work well in the business world, in law offices, and in marketing. …
But what children of divorce don’t observe and have no chance to learn is how to create a long term loving relationship, how to resolve family conflict, how to build trust, when to compromise, when to stand firm, and as they grow, how to choose a lover and how to commit to another with realistic hope that it can last. more
Categories: Children of Divorce
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‘UN Calls on Israel to Cancel “Tender Years” Clause’
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.06.2011 1:18 PM
Why on earth is this a UN issue?
The United Nations’ Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights has determined that Israel discriminates against divorced fathers and has called upon Israel to cancel the Tender Years Clause that grants automatic custody over children in divorce cases to their mothers. Israel is said to be the last country in the world not to have canceled the clause. more
Categories: Children of Divorce, Fatherhood
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‘Adult Children of Divorce: Recovering Origins’
Elizabeth Marquardt 12.01.2011 8:33 PM
A symposium coming in April 2012 at the Center for Cultural and Pastoral Research in Washington, D.C.:
Recently much has been written about the effects of divorce on children by children of divorce themselves, who now, as adults, are questioning the conventional opinion that children are better served by a so-called “good divorce” than a bad marriage. In light of their direct experience, they have begun to identify the central problem inherited by children of divorce (irrespective of the “quality” of their parents’ parting), namely, that of living in the horizon of a broken origin.
In view of this new situation, the Center, which is dedicated to the judgment of cultural phenomena as they affect the most vulnerable, wishes to take stock of the effects of divorce on children in the upcoming Symposium. In its engagement with this issue, the Center endeavors not only to understand the sociological evidence bearing on children and divorce but also to probe the most fundamental questions the problem raises, such as the relation between human identity and the horizon of an enduring love, as well as that between freedom, happiness and fidelity. These questions, asked especially by the children of divorce themselves, will animate the work of the Symposium. The Symposium is directed to educators, pastors, psychologists, counselors, youth directors, and more generally to anyone interested in the welfare of children and families.
See the site for the list of speakers and to register.
Categories: Children of Divorce, Faith and Families
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‘Parent-Child Relationships in Children’s Literature’
Elizabeth Marquardt 11.30.2011 10:36 AM
A paper by Maria Donata Panforti, professor of comparative law at University of Modena-Reggio Emilia, Italy, in the newly-launched International Journal of the Jurisprudence of the Family.
Papers are not available free online so I’ve excerpted an interesting bit of this paper, below.
See this link for full table of contents with many other interesting papers.
…According to the reading I suggest, then, Pinnochio is born in a single-parent family; moreover, that parent is a man (Gepetto, who is a joiner). He is conceived through an unusual and unnatural technique that makes us think of assisted reproduction (he is a piece of wood carved out by his father). He is reared by Gepetto, but from time to time, and indeed in some key moments of the plot, a female character intervenes, first called the Child with turquoise hair, later on also the Fairy. Read More
Categories: Childhood, Children of Divorce, Fatherhood, Reproductive Technologies
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How old do you think a child should be to ride a train alone?
Elizabeth Marquardt 11.23.2011 6:18 PM
Categories: Childhood, Children of Divorce
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Dear God, why did I subscribe to Parenting magazine?
Elizabeth Marquardt 11.22.2011 8:47 PM
The current issue of Parenting magazine, December/January 2012, features “director of print content, strategy and design” Ana Connery’s thoughts on, whatever:
Something pretty amazing happened at my son, Javier’s, sixth birthday party last weekend. My ex-husband was there. So were my parents, who drove four hours to join us. My boyfriend put up streamers and “Happy Birthday” signs. Then we all sat down to dinner together.
There was pizza, cake, and a bevy of unspoken words. Sure, it was awkward, but that slowly dissipated. We toasted Jav, talked about his new Wii (the ex and I went in on it together), and explored my neighbor’s latest antics. By the end, there was even laughter rolling down the table.
Some would call this scenario unconventional, perhaps whisper to friends that it’s “not the norm.” I say that’s bull. Who’s to say what’s normal anymore? TV’s top-rated family shows are chock-full of gay and single parents, biracial and adopted kids. (And that’s just Parenthood and Modern Family!) Women are in boardrooms by day and nurseries by night. Gay couples are marrying across America. Kids are conceived in laboratories—then placed in their moms’ bellies. Extraordinary families are becoming, well, ordinary.
Could my family dinner have happened four or five years ago, when my divorce was fresh? Probably not. But my ex and I have done a lot of work since then. We’ve built trust and found new ways to continue the friendship that first brought us together. Most of all, we’ve never, ever lost respect for one another. I’m proud of us. I’m proud of Jav. I’m proud of the new beau, who was open to the notion of breaking bread with my ex, and vice versa. These men have guts and huge hearts—how lucky is my kid to have men like them around him? (You, too, Grandpa!)
I’m very lucky. I married a great guy and had a great kid. Some messy stuff happened, and it didn’t work out. But we love our son, and despite the unspoken words, we wanted everyone there for his birthday. Because when you think about it, what is a family but the group of people who have your back, love you unconditionally, and are willing to be a little uncomfortable even if it means making you happy? Not even DNA can guarantee that.
Note to Ana: There’s not much “whispering” that it’s “not normal” anymore. Sorry, but nobody really cares you got divorced and are now sleeping with your boyfriend. Perhaps you do not realize this because you, unlike many of your Gen X peers, actually grew up with married parents (who are now willing to drive four hours to see you and their grandson).
Boyfriends will do all kinds of things, even hang “Happy Birthday” banners, when they are sleeping with you. Whether that same boyfriend will be around for the long haul and always “have the back” of your son is doubtful. It could happen, but it’s unlikely. What’s probably more certain is that it is quite a thrill for you to have two men you have slept with desire you enough to continue sitting at the same table with you and your parents. (To paraphrase Diane Lane’s character in Under the Tuscan Sun: “I still got it, I got it, I got it!”)
Conflating adoption, reproductive technologies, failed marriages, and live-in cohabiting relationships into one big brave new families portrait is sloppy. Each are different in their own way. Each represents, in its own way, a failure of a mother and father to stay together in marriage for the sake of each other and the baby. Adoption is a critically important complementary institution, one that strives to find families for children who lack them. But the existence of adoption, and certainly the other examples you mention, do not imply that your son is not missing something crucial. This tableau arranged around the table when he is only six is likely to look still more different when he is ten, and fifteen, and grown.
By the way, have you asked your son if he even wants to spend his birthday with his father, his mother, his mother’s boyfriend, and his grandparents? (See “Divided Selves” in Between Two Worlds.) This momentary unity might delight you and satisfy your residual guilt. But, honestly, is all of this really the best thing for your child?
Categories: Children of Divorce, Marriage
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You go, girl
Elizabeth Marquardt 11.22.2011 3:43 PM
My google news alerts on various topics never fail to drop surprises into my inbox.
Today, on a yahoo message board, a mom asks whether she should split up her kids, ages 2 and 4, in the upcoming divorce because she’s exhausted and it would be more “fair.” Six responses to her, the first of which “admires” her “honesty” and suggests seeing if the children’s father or a grandparent could take physical custody because “You need some time to find yourself and who you are. That is real love.”
Is it still 1976?
Categories: Children of Divorce
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At the Movies: ‘There’s No Place Like Home’
Elizabeth Marquardt 10.28.2011 10:45 AM
An excellent piece by Steven Graydanus at Image Journal, with thanks to iMAPP newsletter for tipping me off to it.
”There’s no place like home.” It’s been over seven decades since Dorothy Gale murmured those reassuring words, ruby-slippered heels clicking beneath her. “Home” evokes associations of safety and security, whether in baseball, hide-and-seek, or board games like Sorry—but even in 1939 “home” wasn’t always the ideal picture of father, mother, and children safely under one roof. Dorothy was an orphan, to start with, and home was a place she started out running away from. Even when she returned, she wasn’t safe; a twister blew in a window, knocking her cold, and seemingly uprooted the house itself, carrying it far away—though in the end she found her house on its foundations and all as it should be.
With respect to the uncertainties of home life, what was already a reality for Dorothy looms much larger for family film audiences today. Read More
Categories: Children of Divorce
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On the Possibility of Reconciling
Elizabeth Marquardt 10.21.2011 1:56 PM
At HuffPo, Jennifer Lai interviews Bill Doherty, co-investigator of our new Second Chances report.
Categories: Children of Divorce, Marriage
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Washington Post: Doherty and Sears on “Second Chances” Proposal
Elizabeth Marquardt 10.21.2011 12:57 PM
Conventional wisdom holds that about half of U.S. marriages end in divorce — and that most Americans wish the divorce rate were lower. Still, many are skeptical about whether we can lower the divorce rate without trapping more people in bad marriages.
This skepticism is fueled by two common assumptions: Divorce happens only after a long process of misery and conflict; and, once couples file for divorce, they don’t entertain the idea of reconciling.
We now know those assumptions are wrong.
Research over the past decade has shown that a major share of divorces (50 to 66 percent, depending on the study) occur between couples who had average happiness and low levels of conflict in the years before the divorce.
Contrary to popular belief, only a minority of divorcing couples experience high conflict and abuse during their marriages. Most divorces occur with couples who have drifted apart and handle everyday disagreements poorly. It is these “average” divorces that research shows are the most harmful to children.
In their study documenting the difference between high conflict and average divorces, sociologists Paul Amato and Alan Booth offer this promising conclusion: “Our results suggest that divorces with the greatest potential to harm children occur in marriages that have the greatest potential for reconciliation.”
But do any parents already in the divorce process still want to save their marriages?
William J. Doherty and his team of researchers asked 2,500 divorcing parents in Minnesota who were well along in that process whether they were interested in services to help them reconcile. In at least 10 percent of these divorce cases, both spouses were open to efforts to reconcile — and in another 30 percent, one spouse was interested in reconciliation. Results for couples earlier in the divorce process were even more promising.
In other words, a substantial number of today’s divorces may be preventable. READ MORE
Categories: Children of Divorce, Marriage
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