Paraphrasing The Band is what comes to mind as I scan the headlines:
The best advice anyone could give a dad preparing for a custody battle is to become as active as possible in the lives of your children and to document everything.
or
And it’s just another day.
Categories: Children of Divorce
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HuffPost blogger Anne Vitiello talks to “kids of boomer divorces [who] have become 21st century parents.”
Categories: Children of Divorce, Motherhood
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HuffPo blogger Dara Pettinelli:
Any early aspirations I had about getting married and having babies were systematically diluted by listening to my mom’s conversations with her two best friends, Terri and Linda, for years, upon years, upon years. The three of them met in their early 20s and are inseparable to this day. The same cannot be said for the men in their lives. Though my parents are still married, my mom was married twice before she met my father (and even came close to divorcing him, but that’s another story). When I was little and could have been off playing during their get-togethers, I preferred to pull up a chair and sit with them at the table as they drank coffee (sometimes wine) and had “girl talk.” During those conversations, I absorbed their stories of first loves and wrong loves, separations and divorces, of failed attempts to change partners and tinges of regret for some of the things they sacrificed for the happiness of their families. It was 20 solid years of straight-up relationship repellant.
Categories: Children of Divorce, Marriage
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The program Divorce Ministry 4 Kids* has a new blog post up which includes helpful questions to pastors, to help them think through the current status of their ministry to children from divorced or unmarried families and how they can improve. Questions include this excellent one:
When you picture the kids in your ministry at home, what do you see? Do you imagine kids in homes similar to yours? Do you see them in traditional two-parent homes? Or, are you tuned in to the reality of today’s kids?
UPDATE: In my first version of this post I mistakenly referred to this group as Divorce Care 4 Kids, whose program I have encountered (and recommended) before. I have now learned and corrected on this post that Divorce Ministry 4 Kids is a separate, distinct organization. The more the merrier!
Categories: Children of Divorce, Faith and Families
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“COMBINING THE TWO “WE” PARTS OF ME: A Child of Divorce’s Dilemma
Recently I came across an article entitled “Mommy’s House and Daddy’s House Revisited” by Dr. Arlene Unger. The article’s conclusion is that continuity rather than similarity is in the best interest of a child of divorce.
The article quoted a paper presented at a forensic conference by Dr. Debra Gordon on Developmental Issues and Outcomes of Children of Divorce “What is more important is that there be a high degree of cooperation between parents regardless of the variability of their lives/schedule.”
The purpose of creating the “Mommy’s House and Daddy’s House” concept was to give those parent who were granted joint custody of their children in the divorce the chance to “live” 24/7 with each child even if the length of time with each was not equal. A noble attempt at justice.  But the real issue is how children of divorce best adjust to the division of their two living situations.
Many divorce parents assume if their children appear to have adjusted, any further concern is unwarranted.  However the adjustment to a families divorce continues long after the granted decree. Which means that parents and grandparents of children of divorce must keep continually vigilant of the day-to-day adjustment each child of divorce is continually required to make due to the dichotomy of two different living situations.
My concern is the necessity of parents and grandparents to remain ever alert for signs that the children have not yet made a total adjustment to their separated lives. Family members will have many opportunities to help their children of divorce make that adjustment more successful if they are willing to take advantage of them.
The problem to be solved is that the children, as they grow older, may not find it easy to unite their two parts of “WE” into a “ME.” The healthiest “ME” includes realizing it takes both sides of his or her family to make a whole.  This is not a problem that the children can easily accomplish by themselves, it requires help from their family.
In my book “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU: A Grandparent’s Guide to Surviving Divorce in the Family I explain the child of divorce’s dilemma:
“The task of forging one life out of two backgrounds, once belonging to their parents, has been turned over to the children themselves, regardless of their age. Parents, failing to manage that merger in their marriage by divorcing, somehow expect their children to pick up the challenge without complaint and succeed. This very much necessitates the children of divorce to develop their own identities without too much assistance from the outside..”
My son was divorced 6 years by the time my book was published but the learning experiences continue. Now 7 years has elapsed and I was beginning to relax that my grandsons were doing well, with both of their parents doing their part in working toward, what I refer to in my book as a “successful divorce.”
So when I made my next visit ,I was surprised when I encountered the existence of the two parts of “WE” my grandchildren were dealing with. It was a subtle sign that the adjustment is still continuing. It also indicated that each of them was probably encountering the two “WE” parts of “ME”, frequently.
Before I arrived , my youngest grandson said to his father.” I don’t want to celebrate half- birthdays any longer because “WE” don’t observe them.” The problem with that statement was that “WE”, being his father and me, always celebrated half-birthdays when I came to town. My oldest grandson’s birthday was always celebrated because it fell during my visit but sadly ,since the divorce, I have never been able to be with my youngest grandson on his birthday.  A half-birthday celebration seemed a great idea.
With this declaration I had to step back and take a deep breath so I wouldn’t take it personally. You see the half- birthday celebration was continued after the divorce so that I would be able to celebrate both of my grandson’s birthdays when I was with them each spring and yes presents were involved.
I knew he hadn’t said that to hurt me, but rather he was saying that the “WE” with his mom didn’t celebrate half-birthdays. So when the opportunity presented itself, I took my grandson aside and told me it was all right if his Mom no longer observed half- birthdays but that it was our way for making- up for the fact we couldn’t be with him on his actual birthday. After all we loved him so much that it made his dad and I happy to celebrate too.
After that my antenna was raised and ready when my oldest grandson made the next “WE” comment. His father had recently acquired two adorable little dogs.  They were curled around his feet when my grandson said “We have three dogs.”  My antenna started to quiver. “Isn’t your math kind of off,” I said. “Don’t you actually have 5 dogs.”  He thought for a minute and with a wide smile he answered, “I really have five dogs don’t I?” From that moment on he kept comparing all his dogs size and personality.
It doesn’t take big things to get the point across that it is all right for children of divorce to combine their two “WE” parts of their lives into a whole. But it is up to the parents and grandparents to take those opportunities that present themselves to help with their child’s continuing math problem, “Mommy’s House” plus “Daddy’s House” equals the two “WE” parts of “ME.”
Tags: "Mommy's House, children of divorce, daddy's house, grandchildren, Grandparents
Categories: Children of Divorce, General
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A serving High Court judge will begin a public campaign this week to defend  marriage and protect children against the “destructive scourge” of  divorce and family break down.
Sir Paul Coleridge will formally establish the Marriage Foundation, an independent charity that will champion the institution of marriage as the “gold  standard for relationships.”
Lots of UK media buzz, much of it quite positive looking so far.
Categories: Children of Divorce, Marriage
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…are in the news again, and they make me too mad to bother providing the links for you. Every few years there’s a little media flurry about this supposedly brand new idea.
If a couple with no children wants to do this, fine. Or if they want to get a babysitter and meet one afternoon without the children for their divorce ceremony, whatever. But I think these ceremonies are rotten when they involve children. The kinds of churches who embrace the idea of divorce ceremonies have generally been so weak on acknowledging or naming the experience of children of divorce that I find the practice of using the power of liturgical language on children at the time of their parents’ parting to be bordering on abuse. The liturgies churches come up with are profoundly adult-centric and, when they acknowledge children, mainly seek to manage or tidy up children’s experiences.
Churches, want to help? Do the hard work of learning how the children feel and helping parents to get and stay married, so that we have fewer children of divorce.
Categories: Children of Divorce, Faith and Families
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A Louisville Courier-Journal article reported by Peter Smith is making the syndication rounds in other local newspapers such as Jackson and Indianapolis. It’s about how evangelical churches are doing a better job, in the reporter’s view, of accepting unmarried persons. It quotes one Baptist pastor saying about half his congregation includes:
“a lot of single parents, a lot of divorced parents, a lot of grandparents raising their kids,” said Schafer, pastor of Ridgewood Baptist Church. “The traditional family is not the norm.”
Unfortunately, the whole tone of the piece is very adult-centric. While it’s true that many evangelical churches have for some time been doing a good job, or at least a better job, of welcoming and ministering to single and divorced persons, one of their strengths — in contrast to mainline churches — has been their willingness to say divorce and out of wedlock childbearing is a problem. I believe that this “dual language,” as Don Browning called it, is one of the reasons evangelical churches have been growing even as mainline congregations have been declining. Grown children of divorce walk into an evangelical church and find a willingness to name the losses children of divorce feel, even as they see divorced and single parents welcomed. They feel comfortable there. In contrast, they walk into a mainline congregation preaching a family diversity gospel and find an unwillingness among church leaders to name or even discuss how children feel when they don’t grow up with their own mom and dad. The result: pain. And who wants to keep voluntarily showing up at a place that hurts?
For other writing I’ve done on this topic, visit this page and scroll down to “articles.”
Categories: Childbearing, Children of Divorce, Faith and Families, Marriage
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HuffPost editor and blogger Andy Campbell:
When the game ends, win or lose, which parent will I go to first?
It might seem like a small-potatoes dilemma for a white suburban child of divorce. But awkward baseball games — and all the divorce politics that come with them — are some of my most vivid memories, mostly because they were the most stressful events of my young life. I mean, I could win a baseball game any time, but I had the emotional scarring and heart-breaking of two sets of parents to worry about.
Indeed, baseball games had so little to do with baseball, and so much to do with the divorce. It was as if two warring factions were meeting on the battlefield, and their tactics involved one-upping each other with better juice boxes at post-game snack time. My affection was the spoil of war.
They had their tactics, and I had mine. I took mental note of how many breaks I took with each parent, how many high fives I doled out and at what volume I called step-mom, “Mom.” If I was on the mound, I made grinning glances at each of up to four parents between pitches. Seventh-inning stretch involved sitting and talking with each group for such precisely equal amounts of time, it made our supposedly “equal” visitation schedule look like it was organized by, well, children.
Categories: Children of Divorce
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Do donor conceived persons, like grown children of divorce, face a stigma on the dating market?
From Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India, by Anita Jain (Bloomsbury, 2008), p. 30-1, when the main character is still looking for love in New York City:
I didn’t recognize William when I arrived at the restaurant fifteen minutes late, but was pleased that he was rather attractive. At some point during dinner, I asked him about his family.
“It’s just me and my mother,” he said.
“Oh, okay. So where is your father?” I asked.
“My father’s not in the picture,” he said, in a way that told me not to pursue that line of conversation. He didn’t say “My father left us before I was born” or “That’s a sore topic,” but “My father’s not in the picture.”
Later, when William told me his mother was a lesbian, I began to think it was entirely possible that his father had been found at a sperm bank. I processed this with careful determination not to let the realization pass across my face. It was only when he told me his mother was adopted that I flinched. I was holding some noodles with my chopsticks and they fell into my lap. Let’s see, his mother didn’t know who her parents were, and he didn’t know who his father was. I was sitting with the Man Who Had No Past…He was like a phoenix rising from the ashes of an unknown civilization. I was too unnerved to see him again.
And see The New Stigma: Part I
Categories: Children of Divorce, Dating, Mating, Hooking Up, Reproductive Technologies
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A new working paper released by the Madrid-based think tank, Family Watch. English language version here.
Categories: Children of Divorce, Marriage
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A new working paper by Norval D. Glenn, made available by us and summarized in our newest issue of Propositions.
Categories: Children of Divorce
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Podcast here. Thanks to the member who emailed me the link this weekend.
Categories: Children of Divorce
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A new article in Journal of Marriage and Family by Richard J. Petts.
Using data on 1,134 single mothers from the Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study, this study examined trajectories of religious participation among single mothers and whether these trajectories were associated with early childhood behavior. The results suggested that single mothers experienced diverse patterns of religious participation throughout their child’s early life; some mothers maintained a consistent pattern of religious participation (or nonparticipation), and other mothers increased their participation. The results also suggested that religious participation was associated with greater involvement with children, reduced parenting stress, and a lower likelihood of engaging in corporal punishment. Young children raised by mothers who frequently attended religious services were less likely to display problem behaviors, and this relationship was partially mediated by increased child involvement, lower stress, and less frequent corporal punishment. Overall, religious participation may provide resources for single mothers that encourage them to engage in parenting practices that promote positive child development.
Categories: Children of Divorce
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