Archives: October 2010

Funeral Fran’s next question is inspired by a query concerning the use of cliches from one of our new Bereavement volunteers.  Our hospice offers a specialized training for those volunteers who feel called to serve the bereaved.  We offer support groups, one on one counseling, resources, and educational events to the family and caregivers for at least one year after the death of their loved one.  Our bereavement volunteers make supportive phone calls throughout that year, in an attempt to open the door to conversation that may assist in the grieving person’s journey of reconciliation and growth. 

Dear Funeral Fran,

My neighbor’s husband, Jim, died a few months ago.  We are not close friends, but I consider her a good neighbor. We wave cordially to each other each day as we leave for work or return home, but I feel like I should stop by and ask her how she is doing.  What should I say to her?  What if she starts crying? Is it okay to use clichés?  I believe that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  Is that true?

                                                                                                                                             Sincerely, “Looking for ways to love my Neighbor”

Dear Loving Neighbor, 

Whoa. Lots of deep questions in your questions. 

First of all, you should definitely stop by.  A wonderful way to begin would be to say, “Since Jim died in August, I have thought about you often. How are you today?” 

And then listen. Your neighbor doesn’t need to be fixed, but cared for. You can’t bring Jim back, but you can listen to how she is learning to live without Jim.  If she begins to cry, it’s best to simply put your hand on her shoulder or her hand, and let her cry.  Tears can often make us uncomfortable, especially if tears aren’t a normal coping response for us. If you feel you need to say something, you can say, “It’s okay to cry. Cry as much as you need.”  Tears can be a sign that she feels comfortable enough with you to be vulnerable.  What a gift.

But listening to someone is hard work, especially when we are not entirely comfortable with the subject matter. Just as becoming a proficient orator takes discipline and practice, alas so does becoming a proficient listener. We can struggle to listen fully to our well known friends and co-workers who could be sharing fairly banal, task-oriented, even humorous information, let alone know how to listen fully to someone who is suffering. And so, we start out with good intentions, we start to listen, and then there is SILENCE…and what do we do?  Ack! We must fill the silence!!! And hence, here comes the parade of clichés. 

Ah, clichés. So tempting to use, and yet how destructive they can be.  There are many clichés that are just not helpful, such as:

Р    Don’t cry.  You’ll make yourself sick

Р    See it as a challenge

Р    Cheer up.  It’s not the end of the world

Р    Time heals everything

Р    I know what you are feeling

Р    It’s God’s will

Р    You shouldn’t feel that way

Р    She’ll be better off dead

Р    Be positive.  Be brave.  Be strong.  (Be anything, so that I will feel better)

Р    You should see the way poor Anne died.  This is nothing

Р    Everything happens for the best

Р    It was his time

Р    You’re the little man now

Р    The good die young

Р    You can’t fall apart

Р    Keep a stiff upper lip

Р    Pull yourself together

Р    You can have other children

Р    The Lord never gives us more than we can handle

Р    Everything will be okay

Р    Let me know if I can do anything

Р    Be glad of the time you had with your loved one

Are some of these clichés true?  Yes, for some people.  And therein lies the tricky part of clichés. Just because a saying rings true for you doesn’t mean it is true for all people. 

You must first ask yourself if the cliché makes you feel better or her.  And my guess is that the cliché is meaningful and comforting to you.  Does God give us more than we can handle?  Some say yes, some say no.  If that belief is comforting to you, wonderful, but it may not be to her.  You might consider asking her if any clichés are comforting to her.  You might learn and also help her name a source of coping for herself.

Most importantly, simply tell the truth.  If you feel like you have said the wrong thing, simply say so.  For example, “I’m sorry.  I want to say the right thing but I don’t know what that is.”  Your genuine words and actions will comfort her in ways that the “right” words never could.

Sincerely, Funeral Fran

So, what cliches have been or are meaningful to you?

In today’s “The New Old Age” collumn in the NYTimes, Joshua Tapper chronicles the emergence of a “new” specialty field called “elder mediation.” He explains,

“It is no surprise to caregivers that as parents age, long-standing tensions can erupt into family discord. A 2001 study published in Conflict Resolution Quarterly found that close to 40 percent of adult children caring for a parent described “serious conflict” with a sibling, frequently the result of one sibling shouldering the bulk of caregiving responsibility.

Despite mutual concern for a parent’s well-being, adult children often have lived apart for decades and have little experience working together. Visits, end-of-life decisions and estate planning all become sources of sibling strife when old rivalries begin to play out, said Penny Hommel, co-director of the Center for Social Gerontology in Ann Arbor, Mich.“

A good mediator can delve right to the bottom of things, parse out the important issues and help the family deal with them,” said Ms. Rosenthal. “It’s different from therapy because it’s really about decision-making, not feelings and emotions.”

While there are no national statistics, elder mediators now practice in every state, charging clients from $150 to $500 an hour. And with no national standards, the practice differs from one mediator to the next.”

Hmmm…Questions that come to mind:

–Considering that according to a survey released by the Kaiser Family Foundation in July, more than one third of seniors mistakenly believe the reform law includes government “death panels,” why are lawyers less scary?

–Must all conflict resolution be professionalized?

–Should we all become elder mediators since this article doesn’t even touch on the future of caregiving which will include the generation of wide-spread family fragmentation?  You think you disagree with a sibling?  How about with your step mom? or your dad’s third wife? or your step sister?

–Would you rather discuss end of life choices with your physian? your spiritual guide aka pastor, rabbi, imam…? you elder mediator?

Saturday marked the day for a memorial service for beloved professor, mentor, colleague, friend, parent and spouse, Don Browning.  Elizabeth M. spoke and I was blessed to read her words via e-mail, hearing her voice in my mind sharing snapshots of his impact on her life.  Her final words stick with me,

 “In moments like these I take comfort that we are parts of one body, contributing something partial, stumbling towards a whole.  God knows who Don was. I am grateful to have known him too.”

Memorial services provide sacred, public space for the body of those who know and remember to come together to speak of the loss embodied in the individual who is now gone.

I first started thinking about how we embody loss over a decade ago when my friend Juli was murdered.  Juli and I danced together in college and our dance company was a tight-knit family—held together not only by the turbulent late teen years of discernment we experienced together, but also because we shared the dance. Dance is one of the few art forms where your body is the art.  We could spend up to 8 hours a day together in silence, our bodies our only mode of communication to each other, and eventually to an audience.  We knew each others bodies like our own, which made the torture and death of one of those bodies all the more acutely painful and terrifying. The awareness of the body’s utter vulnerability and fragility rose quickly to the surface of our minds and hearts.

Strangely enough, a biblical story of murder became a source of comfort: the story of Cain and Abel.  After Abel is murdered in Genesis, God confronts Cain and by saying, “Don’t you realize that your brother’s blood is crying out to me from the ground?!?!” I found great comfort in imagining the ways that our bodies can pray for us when our minds, mouths and hearts cannot.  I could imagine that when Juli was alone and scared, when there was no one there to help her, when she could not cry out to God nor to anyone who loves her, her blood, her body could cry out to God on her behalf.

The brokenness of bodies surrounds us everyday. Our obituaries cry out, telling the stories of bodies that age, bodies that faced serious illness, bodies that were vulnerable to the hateful actions of strangers or neighbors, bodies that killed themselves, but all bodies that die. As bodies are broken, we who are relatively whole in the snap shot of today, must remember that we are connected.  When one member suffers, we all suffer.  God calls out to us, “Don’t you realize that your brother’s/your sister’s blood cries out to me from the ground?”

Our bodies are a part of the body of humanity.  And though our minds and words can forget, may the body know and remember.