Archives: Marriage

Marriage Media
Week of May 7, 2011
Courtesy of Bill Coffin

1. Splitting? 79% of Marital Separations End in Divorce, USA Today

“Separation is very common and is more common than immediate divorce. . . Most separations last one year or less, but a few drag on a decade or more before ending in divorce. . . The decision to separate is driven by time spent in the first marriage, and for women, by the presence of young children.”

2. Should We Call It Quits? A New Kind of Couples Counseling, Today Health

“Around 30 percent of the couples coming into marriage counseling are mixed agenda couples,” he says. “Divorce is on the table for one of the parties. Traditional marriage counseling has no way to deal with those people. It’s been area of frustration for a lot of marriage counselors.”

3.  A National Trust, In the True Sense, The Marriage Foundation

“Our biggest problem when promoting  marriage in general and this Foundation in particular is one of presentation. Let me say, for the umpteenth time: This is not going to be a cosy club for the smug and self satisfied of middle England but, we hope, the start of a national movement with the aim of changing attitudes across the board from the very top to the bottom of society, and thus improve the lives of us all, especially children.”

4. Octomom: Her Children, Her Choice and Our Responsibility, Huffington Post

The problem is that Ms. Suleman, like many others, has chosen to view fatherhood as merely a biological transaction. In a culture where choice trumps all, who can “cast the first stone” at a woman who undervalues the need for children to have a physically and emotionally present father in their lives?

5. Who Says “I Love You” First in a Relationship?, Science of Relationships

But recent research demonstrates that in fact, it’s the men who are more likely to say “I love you” first in relationships. Not only that, but hearing “I love you” from a romantic partner for the first time makes men even happier than it makes women. And although this may not jive with gender stereotypes, it makes a lot of sense from an evolutionary perspective.

6. Fathers Who Fail Costly for Families, Economies, but Dads Can Bounce Back, Deseret News

When fathers are involved in the lives of their children,” [The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse] notes, “especially their education, their children learn more, perform better in school and exhibit healthier behavior. Even when fathers do not share a home with their children, their active involvement can have a lasting and positive impact.”

7. New Research Finds College Grads More Likely To Get Married, Sociology Degree Programs

Generally, the results revealed that educated women did not marry as early in life as their lesser-educated counterparts, but soon caught up and surpassed their numbers following pursuits in higher education. Reasons for this vary, but one primary theory is that educated women in the past were not viewed as “marriageable” by men who were threatened by a partner as smart – or smarter than – themselves.

For more, see here.

Samhita Mukhopadhyay at the American Prospect on “Marrying Yourself.”

Marriage Media
Week of April 30, 2011
Courtesy of Bill Coffin

1. Population Association of America 2012 Annual Meeting Program, Princeton University

[Presentations include:]

2. Marriage Breakdown a Scourge, Says High Court Judge, BBC News

“We all know, all of us who have been in relationships – whether married or unmarried – for a long time… that the only way that they are made to work and the only way that they become really qualitatively good is by absolutely grinding away at it. . . That’s when people find that, actually, if they get through the difficulties and do get the help, they will in fact end up with a product that is really worth having.”

3. Women Say ‘I do’ to Education, Then Marriage, Chicago Tribune

“They marry later, but they catch up,” said England. “By age 40, 75 percent of college-educated women are married, compared to 70 percent of those who attend high school or some college and 60 percent of those who did not complete high school.”

4. Strategies for Building Healthy Relationship Skills Among Couples Affected by Incarceration, ASPE Report

“Even for lengthy periods of incarceration, communication and conflict resolution skills could result in more supportive relationships, improved co-parenting, and increased familial contact — all of which could be beneficial upon the individual’s eventual release.”[Excerpt from Summary]

5. Two Happy Marriages Help Get San Francisco Giants Pitcher Barry Zito on Track, MercuryNews

Zito confesses that his two “marriages” might be having a profound impact on his turnaround. . . “I have to put as much attention and focus off the field now as I do on the field, and I think that’s good,” he said. “You just need something to bring you down from the intensity of the job, and if you don’t have that in your life, it’s just going to be a lot more difficult.”

6. Catholic Parishes and the Marriage Crisis, CatholicVote

An independent study by the Institute for Research and Evaluation (IRE) found the organization reduced divorce rates by an average of 17.5% over seven years in a city/county, with nearly a tenth cutting divorce rates 48% to 70% (e.g., Austin, TX, Kansas City, Mo., Modesto, Calif. and El Paso, Texas).

7. Author: Integrity Is Most Difficult Part of Being Good Father, The Christian Post

The “seven M’s” are: makeup, master, mission, message, motive, method, and model. Each of these essentials has a chapter devoted to not only explaining what they are, but also offering advice on them and examples of notable fathers who excel in these areas.

For more, see here.

From an ABC News interview:

I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.

And:

It’s interesting, some of this is also generational. You know when I go to college campuses, sometimes I talk to college Republicans who think that I have terrible policies on the economy, on foreign policy, but are very clear that when it comes to same sex equality or, you know, believe in equality. They are much more comfortable with it. You know, Malia and Sasha, they have friends whose parents are same-sex couples. There have been times where Michelle and I have been sitting around the dinner table and we’re talking about their friends and their parents and Malia and Sasha, it wouldn’t dawn on them that somehow their friends’ parents would be treated differently. It doesn’t make sense to them and frankly, that’s the kind of thing that prompts a change in perspective.

I admit, I’m a bit surprised to see him do this before the election (although perhaps he was cornered by Biden’s recent statement of support for SSM). Also, he’s still saying that this should be an issue decided by each individual state, not by the Federal government (a view I agree with, but only because I think it’s strategically the best approach for now).

Although the fight will continue mostly unchanged, this is still a landmark in the history of lgbt rights. Someone on my twitter feed (can’t find it now, so paraphrasing) wrote, “for the first time in my life, I have a President who thinks I should be fully equal.” That’s valuable. As David said in another context, we’re a bit more American today than we were yesterday.

A Scramble as Biden Backs Same-Sex Marriage

Marriage Media
Week of April 23, 2011
Courtesy of Bill Coffin

1. Baby Boomer Divorce on the Rise, NBC Nightly News Video

“Two divorces, two different reasons, but one thing in common. They’re part of the growing number of married couples in their 50s and 60s calling it quits. Researchers at Bowling Green University found the divorce rate among those 50 and older nearly doubled between 1990 and 2009 while the overall rate held steady.”

2. Married Special-Operations Troops Feel Strains of War, USA Today

He began fighting for his marriage in 2008 only after an 18-year-old daughter’s simple admonition regarding the last time he was home for her Dec. 27 birthday. “She goes, ‘Dad, I was 10,’ and she turned around and walked out of the room,” Chris Faris says. “Every day that (has) passed, I realized I’m going to die with regrets.”

3. The Brain on Love, The New York Times

[W]e inhabit a mirror-world in which every important relationship, whether with spouse, friend or child, shapes the brain, which in turn shapes our relationships. . . “Scientific studies of longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and even wisdom,” Dr. Siegel says, “point to supportive relationships as the most robust predictor of these positive attributes in our lives across the life span.”

4. Family Fact of the Week: Marriage Protects Women and Children from Violence, Heritage Foundation

Most notably, children living with a single parent and the parent’s romantic partner are approximately 10 times as likely to be physically abused and 20 times as likely to be sexually abused. Even children living with both biological parents are at heightened risk of physical abuse (over four times as likely) and sexual abuse (nearly five times as likely) if their parents are not married.

5. ‘What Were You Thinking?’ For Couples, New Source of Online Friction, The New York Times

“There is a standard negotiation that takes place in lots of relationships, but now there are multiple audiences watching,” said Lee Rainie, the director of the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project, which explores technology and human behavior. “There will be awkward moments, even more so if that negotiation is played out in public.”

6. A Picture Worth a Thousand Memories: Show Us the ‘Love that Lasts,’ USA Today

USA WEEKEND wants to recognize long-standing loves. Share your photos of devoted pairs — the ones who have built families and households and who still look across the room at each other and smile like newlyweds. Upload your photos at usaweekend.com/love.

7. Money Habitudes: How To Be Rich in Life & Love wins Excellence in Financial Literacy Education Award, OpenPR

“It is often very difficult for people to talk about money. The idea behind Money Habitudes was to make talking about money fun and to help people understand their money type in an engaging, nonjudgmental, non-threatening way – whether they are adults or high school students,” said Syble Solomon, the creator of Money Habitudes.

For more, see here.

Marriage Media
Week of April 16, 2011
Courtesy of Bill Coffin

1. Readers React: Putting Off Marriage to Pay Off Loans, Wall Street Journal

This week’s Work & Family column on how young adults burdened by student-loan debt are postponing marriage, child-bearing and auto and home purchases hit a nerve, drawing 290 reader comments on WSJ.com.

2. GUEST EDITORIAL: Married with Kids Decreasing, The Leaf Chronicle

In addition to single-parent households, there are a growing number of firstborns in the United States with unmarried parents, reflecting dramatic increases since 2002 in births to cohabiting women, according to government figures. The percentage of first births to women living with a male partner jumped from 12 percent in 2002 to 22 percent in 2006 to 2010 — an 83 percent increase.

3. Marriage Education Conference in Baltimore this July, Marriage and Family Courts

The National Association for Relationship and Marriage Education, NARME, is holding its second annual conference in Baltimore, Maryland on July 19-25, 2012.  This is the leading marriage skills education conference in the U.S., largely filling the role of the Smart Marriages conferences that were held from 1997 to 2010, including many of the same people — family therapists, educators, clergy, and others interested in helping people improve their marriages, including a few from the legal professions.

4. Separation, Divorce Linked to Sharply Lower Wellbeing, Gallup

Americans’ wellbeing differs greatly by marital status, according to data from the Gallup-Healthways. . . The findings are based on 2011 Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index data, including subgroup sample sizes ranging from more than 6,000 separated U.S. adults up to more than 190,000 married adults. The difference in wellbeing between married and non-married populations is highly statistically significant given the large sample sizes.

5. Fathers Important; Marriage Even More So, Ruth Institute

But here’s something that’s not often talked about: Children of unmarried, cohabiting parents are at higher risk for most of these same problems as well. That means the real problem isn’t so much the absence of a father in the life of a child; it’s the absence of a husband. More specifically, it’s the absence of a marriage.

6. The Marriage First Household, Huffington Post

My husband and I existed as a couple long before we decided to have children. And on the day (God willing) when all four of our kids make their way as independent citizens of the world, Bryan and I will once again live in a household of two. In the meantime, we don’t like the idea of waiting until the year 2034 to make our marriage a priority. . .

7. Marriage Education: Is Your Toolkit Sufficient?, Psychology Today

For instance, studies in 2008 and 2009 by Hawkins, Blanchard, Baldwin, & Fawcett found that marriage and relationship education courses reduced aggression between partners, lowered divorce rates, and increased marriage satisfaction and communication. [Noteworthy: Consider the seven types of skills couples need.]

For more, see here.

At the New York Times’ Room for Debate blog, offerings including one by me which they titled “Both Parties Disappoint.” My 300-some words conclude:

For now, I beg both parties’ candidates to engage the urgent social concern of the decline of marriage among the vast middle of America. How can we bring back jobs, a strong social safety net and marriage to ensure our next generation will thrive?

Take a look at them all.

Marriage Media
Week of April 9, 2011
Courtesy of Bill Coffin

1. Erich Fromm on Making Love, Psychology Today

Here’s the thing; the problem of modernity is also its strength – a powerful sense of the individual.  What’s good for me reigns king. A sane modern society encourages individuals to individuate and thrive – while imposing little on others. The rub is that while this sounds good in theory; love, family and community can get lost in the translation.

2. The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage, New York Times

WHEN researchers ask cohabitors these questions, partners often have different, unspoken — even unconscious — agendas. Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage.

3. Military Marriages Show Surprising Resilience through Deployment, The News Tribune

Military divorce rates have climbed only gradually in recent years and, according to a report in the Journal of Family Issues this month, have not exceeded the rate of broken marriages reported among civilian peers. Competitive wartime pay, extra allowances for being married in service and family support programs could be factors. Another might be the respect service people hold toward institutions in general, including marriage.

4. Fatherhood Educational Institute Recognizes Father Factor During National Child Abuse Prevention Month, Yahoo Finance News

Research demonstrates that father absence is associated with higher rates of child abuse and neglect. Boyfriends of the mother in single-mother households were responsible for 67% of the reported cases of child abuse. . .In addition, children who live in father-absent homes are at 77% greater risk of being physically abused and 120% more likely to be endangered by maltreatment.

5. Eight Signs of a Healthy Relationship, WebMD

4.      Secure base: You both feel supported as you explore your individual goals outside of the relationship. It’s important, however, that the activities are not destructive to the relationship, such as a spouse being so involved in a hobby that he or she has no time for the marriage.

6. Love Is Walking Hand In Hand: The Peanuts Gang Defines Love, 1965, Brain Pickings

• Love is being happy knowing that she’s happy… but that isn’t so easy.
• Love is meeting someone by the pencil sharpener
• Love is committing yourself in writing . . .

7. Fatherhood Quotes, GoodReads

“Abba is not Hebrew, the language of liturgy, but Aramaic, the language of home and everyday life … Abba is the intimate word of a family circle where that obedient reverence was at the heart of the relationship, whereas Daddy is the familiar word of a family circle from which all thoughts of reverence and obedience have largely disappeared … The best English translation of Abba is simply ‘Dear Father.” ― Thomas A. Smail, The Forgotten Father

For more, see here.