Archives: Love & Marriage in Middle America

More than just Teething Troubles

Amber Lapp 05.09.2012 9:50 PM

We tend to think of romantic relationships as between two individuals. But when they fall apart, it becomes obvious that there is no such thing as two lone lovers. Families, children, friends are all implicated in the breakup.

Today on my way to the grocery store I talked on the phone with Megan, a 24 year old woman that I interviewed in Ohio and who has since become a friend. She and her fiancé, Troy, recently broke up. He told her—the day after they had just finished paying off her wedding dress—that he just wasn’t happy in the relationship anymore.

She’s since posted on Facebook a photo of her, him, and her newborn daughter (they started dating when she was eight months pregnant) at the hospital with this caption: “I’m missing this so much! I hope he comes back!”

Veronica, Megan’s one year old, hopes Troy comes back, too. Although he’s not her biological father, he was the first person to hold her after Megan’s c-section, and he spoke to her while she was in the womb. Megan tells me that Veronica, who is just starting to talk, has been saying “da-da” often and asking for him.

Veronica also has been asking for “pawpaw,” Troy’s dad. Troy’s parents tell Megan that they still want to be nana and pawpaw to Veronica—and Troy’s dad’s Facebook is still plastered with photos of his “granddaughter”—but one can imagine the complications, especially considering that Troy still lives with them. In fact, Troy’s mom is stopping by tomorrow to give Megan back the baby items that they kept for Veronica at their home.

On top of all this, Veronica is teething, and so she hasn’t been feeling well or sleeping well. Megan notes, sadly, that Veronica hasn’t been acting herself. She thinks that it’s more than just the teething—she thinks she’s been missing the man she knows as “da-da.”

Categories: Childhood, Fatherhood, General, Love & Marriage in Middle America
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Thinking (more) about the new normal

David Blankenhorn 03.13.2012 9:48 AM

My colleagues Amber and David Lapp have a nice piece today at Public Discource on, ”What Marriage Means in Today’s ‘New Normal’” in which the write that

even as working class young adults dream of love, commitment, permanence, and family, they inherit a cultural story about love and marriage that frustrates those longings. And while there are other factors—both economic and social—this inadequate philosophy of love and marriage helps to account for the “new normal.” Let us explain.

And they do explain.

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America
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A Post-Valentine’s Reflection on Love

Amber Lapp 02.16.2012 9:38 AM

Tasha, a twenty something woman, told me an interesting thing about romantic love.

1.) True love means that “you’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep that person. If you love that person, you love ‘em regardless, no matter what they do, what they say…Love should be never-ending….[and you should] lay your own life down for that person.”

2.) And yet, “sometimes you love ‘em enough to let ‘em go. If you really see that this is not gonna work, it’s never gonna work, you love that person enough to let ‘em go….that’s how my mom and dad was. They loved each other just a—enough to let ‘em go….they loved each other enough to see that their relationship was not workin’ anymore. It was in everybody’s best interest just to call it quits.”

Tasha’s views are not unique—I’ve heard similar things from many other young adults. But how can someone say that love is unconditional except under some conditions? That love should do whatever it takes, and yet sometimes it should give up?

It is common to cling to this paradox: love, many seem to believe, is both “fated and free.” It is meant to be, but we can mess it up. It was not meant to be, but we can still end up in it—sometimes for years before realizing its fate-lessness. It’s a mystery. A lover is convinced that his love was destined, yet he also knows that he must continue to love, continue to fight, continue to do the hundred daily tasks of self-sacrifice that say “I love you” to someone else.

At least, that’s what many people seem to believe. The resiliency of the human heart is amazing. It’d rather live in a paradox than give up on romantic love. Even after heartbreak and abandonment and loves that don’t “work out,” many people do not give up on the idea that love is unconditional and eternal. Our hearts long for it to be true, and so we hope and believe that it is true, and we continue to search for that kind of love. Perhaps that is why so many people like Tasha can say, “love never ends,” even if then again it sometimes does.

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America
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Addressing the Marriage Gap

David Lapp 12.29.2011 2:42 PM

Today’s Charleston Gazette (West Virginia) editorial, noting the growing marriage gap between college-educated and the non-college-educated, concludes thus:

A social transformation is altering mainstream America. Part of it is caused by the evolving culture. Part is caused by economic decline. The change is least-noticed among successful, educated people — but it’s painful to the two-thirds majority. It’s disturbing to watch marriage erode among those with fewer opportunities. As long as Republicans in Washington serve only the elite 1 percent, and Democratic efforts to help the middle class are thwarted, this sad trend probably will continue.

Indeed, until self-described “conservatives” realize how the ideology of the unfettered ”free market” — and the concomitant concentration of economic power in fewer and fewer big corporations — contributes to and exacerbates the decline of the family, the trend toward marriage dissolution in the working classes will likely continue.

By the same token, until self-described liberals realize how the cultural redefinition of marriage – from ”to love and cherish until death do us part” to “to love and cherish as long as love shall last” – contributes to and exacerbates the decline of the family, the trend toward marriage dissolution in the working classes will likely continue.

Somewhere in the middle there is a place for conservatives and liberals to work together.

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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Class, Cohabitation, and Fears of Divorce

Elizabeth Marquardt 12.26.2011 4:11 PM

HuffPo Divorce interviews Sharon Sassler of Cornell, on a recent paper she published in the Journal of Family Relations.

…For those who were children of divorce themselves, how did that affect their views on marriage?

They often referenced their families and their parents’ marriages as cautionary tales, but that doesn’t stop them from being in relationships, it’s just an added layer of anxiety. The working classes are more likely to have experienced their parents’ divorce, and they move in together more quickly, but there is an economic element to this — they’re more likely to move in more rapidly because of the financial need.

For the middle class respondents, they’re much more likely to have dated for over a year or longer and that’s not often the case with the working class. The college-educated respondents had held on to their apartments longer before moving in together, even though they might have been spending as much time together as the cohabiters. They still had that escape hatch. If you’re working two minimum-wage jobs, it’s harder to maintain that second apartment. more

Categories: Children of Divorce, Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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Marriage Disappearing? Only If You Don’t Have a College Degree

W. Bradford Wilcox 12.14.2011 10:31 AM

The Washington Post has a story on Pew’s new report showing that marriage is in retreat. The Post didn’t get my quote totally right. What I said was:

Almost half the births to high school-educated moms are out of wedlock. Among that group, we’re at a tipping point. Marriage is losing ground among middle Americans.

What can sometimes get lost in all these headlines is that the general “marriage in retreat” story is really three stories that we told in When Marriage Disappears, the 2010 State of Our Unions report from the National Marriage Project and the Institute for American Values:

1) Among the poor and the least educated Americans (about 20% of the nation), marriage has almost vanished;

2) Among working-class and lower-middle-class Americans or Americans with a high-school degree (what we call “Middle Americans”–about 50% of the nation), marriage is in trouble, is losing ground, and nevertheless has not yet disappeared from the family scene; and,

3) Among more affluent and college-educated Americans, marriage lost ground in the 1970s and 1980s but now marriage trends have stabilized in this segment of society (about 30%).

The new Pew report also shows this trend (see figure below).

What’s going on here? Partly it’s about economics–especially the fact that less-educated men now have much greater difficulty finding decent, stable jobs. Partly it’s about culture–paradoxically, we expect more from marriage and we are also more tolerant of departures from the marriage norm. And partly it’s about the unraveling of civil society. I put it this way for MSNBC:

“Strong marriages and strong families flourish in a healthy economic and community context. Those contexts have weakened particularly in working class and poor communities in the last 30-40 years,” Wilcox said. “People are less likely to be engaged in stable fulltime work, their church community, the Jaycees.”

Tags: Class, Economics, Marriage, Middle America
Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage, Marriage and Money, Religion
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‘The Wrong Inequality’

Elizabeth Marquardt 11.01.2011 1:33 PM

David Brooks today:

In fact, the income differentials understate the chasm between college and high school grads. In the 1970s, high school and college grads had very similar family structures. Today, college grads are much more likely to get married, they are much less likely to get divorced and they are much, much less likely to have a child out of wedlock.

and

The zooming wealth of the top 1 percent is a problem, but it’s not nearly as big a problem as the tens of millions of Americans who have dropped out of high school or college. It’s not nearly as big a problem as the 40 percent of children who are born out of wedlock. It’s not nearly as big a problem as the nation’s stagnant human capital, its stagnant social mobility and the disorganized social fabric for the bottom 50 percent.

For more on how marriage is disappearing in middle America, see our issue of State of Our Unions released last December (and video of a discussion between me, Brad Wilcox and an audience at our Center for Public Conversation).

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage and Money
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‘In their own way, these girls may be doing the best they can’

Elizabeth Marquardt 10.30.2011 10:21 PM

Below I posted an excerpt from a BioNews story about women as young as 18 looking for sperm donors. There are some very thoughtful comments; be sure to look at all of them.

In the meantime, I wanted to highlight this comment from a commenter who signed in as “Hello.” Even if you don’t agree with what she/he has to say (I suspect it is she, so I’m going to use the feminine), it strikes me that she has her finger on something. Something big, having to do with gender distrust and mother-daughter relationships and aging societies and much, much else in this strange 2011 world in which we find ourselves:

Many a girl and young woman are coming of age and spending their lives in dysfunctional neighborhoods and regions where marriage-worthy men are few and far between. Many, if not most, of these guys are chronically unemployed, addicted, in prison etc. Even if they want to marry these girls see their chances as slim, and if they wait until marriage for motherhood they’ll probably never have children. 18 may seem young, but these girls’ mothers, aunts, and grandmas are not so young. And since they’re the ones these girls will rely on for childcare and support they’re better off having kids before Mom and Co. start breaking down in their 50s and 60s due to smoking, unhealthy diet, sedentary lifestyle etc. Having a kid at 18 won’t hinder a girl’s career prospects if (pre-baby) she finds high school too difficult get a diploma. If she don’t have a career that gives her life meaning and purpose kids are the only thing she can produce that will give her life meaning. And if she can’t rely on a husband for love and companionship her kids will be even more important to her because they’ll be her only family after the older generation passes. So, in their own way, these girls may be doing the best they can.

Categories: Aging, Disability, Death, Dying, Childbearing, Dating, Mating, Hooking Up, Love & Marriage in Middle America, Motherhood, Reproductive Technologies, The Future of Parenthood
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Hanna Rosin Responds

David Lapp 08.29.2011 5:08 PM

With her permission, I’m copying Hanna Rosin’s response to my August 25 post, “A College Degree is Just a Piece of Paper?”

In an ideal world, I agree that marriage is better. I am married, most people I know are married, (and for what it’s worth I didn’t and never would have cohabited). And there is part of me that is happy that people are continuing to hold up the banner of marriage. But the more I get into this, the more I am beginning to agree more with [Andrew] Cherlin’s thesis that continuing to harp on marriage is part of the problem. We are causing the increasing number of people who are not married to not think of themselves as family units by holding up this ideal they are failing to meet.

I definitely do not think that the non college educated who are in cohabiting relationships are like the European bourgeoisie. No way. I think their lives are for the most part a disaster, and increasingly so. I am on Ross Douthat’s team here – the sexual revolution was better for us, the college educated, and totally destructive for the non college educated. But not because they are cohabiting. Maybe because they are serially cohabiting. Because they are having children before they enter into committed relationships. I am 100% with you here on the diagnosis. It’s just the solution I disagreed with. It’s a mess, but not because they are not getting married. To say, plainly, “cohabitation is a problem” is misleading. It’s not a problem for a lot of people. For other people, it happens to correlate with their other problems.

As for the college degree analogy, I have to think about that. College degrees are not useless, and marriage certificates are not useless. But the study would have to be, is a married intact biological family better for a child than an intact biological family? If it were my child I would want him/her to get married, but I don’t know how to quantify that.

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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Yes, We Can: A Response to Readers about Cohabitation

David Lapp 08.27.2011 2:25 PM

Thanks everyone for the responses to “A College Degree is Just a Piece of Paper?”

“nobody.really,” I agree that you’re right to shift the focus of the analogy from a “college degree” to a “college education.” I should have said “A College Education is Just a Piece of Paper?” The important point is that for certain kinds of jobs, we expect people to pursue higher education—and not just by reading things in their spare time or doing what they can to talk to learned people; we expect them to obtain higher education through an institution: an institution with its own norms (i.e. don’t plagiarize) and structure (i.e. professors teaching students). It is precisely those norms that enable a college education to be a transformative process. Through the books that one reads, the professors that one encounters, the conversations with students in class—they are intended to expand the student’s grasp of the world. As the student learns, his thinking undergoes a transformation and his skills are honed. This transformation and development of skills works so well because it works within the context of an institution. Again, for people who are pursuing particular kinds of jobs, we expect them to receive a particular kind of education—in an institution. And we expect them to do that—or at least this is the way it should work—not because of some arbitrary requirement, but because higher education is supposed to be a transformative process.

Just as a college education is supposed to be a transformative process, so marriage is supposed to be a transformative relationship. For instance, the norm to “love and cherish” the other person “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part” spurs (or is supposed to spur) the married couple to constantly get outside of himself or herself and look out for the good of the other person. Just as one could try to get the equivalent of a college education through informal means, so a couple could try to live the marital vow through their own resolve and effort. But missing will be the public vow, the law reminding the couple of their promise, and the social expectation that you fulfill that vow. And in the absence of those public norms and the community’s expectations, the couple is left to do it on their own.

Of course, one will say “But those expectations are exactly what we need to change! We should create laws that recognize cohabiting couples and as a society we should expect more commitment from a cohabiting couple.”

My question to that retort is “How would that be different than marriage?” If many people agree (as Rosin does) that serial cohabitation is a problem, what is the alternative? And if the alternative is not marriage, how is that alternative different from marriage? That’s a question I’d like very much to hear a response to—so if anyone has an opinion, please do share.

La Lubu, as you can see from my thoughts above, we disagree about whether marriage creates stability or not. I would agree with you that marriage doesn’t create stability if marriage meant “as long as our love shall last” (and no matter what vows are said, I’m pretty convinced that’s that’s what a lot of people believe—that marriage should last only as long as feelings of love last). But if marriage means to love and to cherish for better or worse, etc. etc.—then marriage does create stability. And my understanding of marriage is the latter—so I argue that marriage can create stability if a couple (of course it takes two!) allows the marriage vow to shape their love into a sturdy and enduring love.

Of course, it needs to be always said that a married couple should not stay together in cases of abuse. And neither should we put a scarlet letter on anybody who is divorced—who can know what a person endured?

But despite all the divorce and abuse and cheating that young poor and working class people see, as I noted in my earlier post, statistics show that the vast majority of them still want to get married.

The million dollar question for me is “How can we ensure that if and when they do get married they are able to experience a loving, happy marriage?”

La Lubu, you believe that the best one can do is to get one’s financial independence absolutely staked out—and then get married. And then, it seems, basically hope that their marriage works out. If it doesn’t, the person always has his or her own career and financial resources to fall back on.

I’m suggesting we can do better than that. I completely agree that one of the greatest tasks of our time is how to create broader economic opportunity. But let’s not just focus on economics. Let’s do both/and. Let’s think about economy and culture.

I’m suggesting we can give women and men the option of a better marriage story—a story that says you can realize your dreams for lifelong love. Remember the marriage vow is not simply to stick with each other “for better or worse … until death do us part.” Rather, it is “to love and cherish” through sickness and health, through little and plenty. In other words, marriage rightly understood has a norm of marital friendship—and of lifelong marriage. The two are inseparable.

And because of the human person’s potential for greatness in the area of love, we can create a social expectation of lifelong, marital friendship, so that when our children get married they are entering something safe and good. In the name of the greatness of the human person, we must firmly reject any determinist assertion that people—or any particular group of people—are incapable of experiencing lifelong love.

That’s why Rosin’s suggestion that poor and working class people getting married “just isn’t gonna happen” is so insulting—it’s insulting to the aspirations and dignity of the human person. They long for lifelong love, and they are capable of achieving it.

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage, Marriage and Money
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Wilcox & Cherlin on Marriage in Middle America

David Lapp 08.10.2011 2:31 PM

Family scholars Brad Wilcox and Andrew Cherlin just published a Brookings policy brief, “The Marginalization of Marriage in Middle America.” In addition to finding common ground on the problem and the causes of the problem, they also suggest six policy responses. From the abstract:

Written jointly by two family scholars, one of them a conservative (W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project) and the other a liberal (Andrew J. Cherlin, professor at Johns Hopkins University), [this brief] is an attempt to find common ground in the often bitter and counterproductive debates about family policy. We come to this brief with somewhat different perspectives. Wilcox would emphasize the primacy of promoting and supporting marriage. Cherlin argued in a recent book, The Marriage-Go-Round, that stable care arrangements for children, whether achieved through marriage or not, are what matter most. But both of us agree that children are more likely to thrive when they reside in stable, two-parent homes. We also agree that in America today cohabitation is still largely a short-term arrangement, while marriage remains the setting in which adults seek to maintain long-term bonds. Thus, we conclude by offering six policy ideas, some economic, some cultural, and some legal, designed to strengthen marriage and family life among moderately-educated Americans.

Categories: General, Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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‘Going for a Beer’

Elizabeth Marquardt 08.09.2011 11:51 AM

Sitting on the beach last week reading old New Yorkers I found this 1,000 word short story by author Robert Coover which amply and poignantly illustrates themes discussed on this blog, including love and marriage in middle America; aging, death and dying in an era of high family fragmentation; the consequences of the hook up culture, and more.

But mainly, it’s just a really good short story.

Categories: Aging, Disability, Death, Dying, Dating, Mating, Hooking Up, Love & Marriage in Middle America
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That Piece of Paper that I Want Someday but Don’t Need Now

Amber Lapp 07.19.2011 5:17 PM

Becky and Rick have been dating off and on for the past ten years. They have two children and rent a home together.

Here’s what Becky has to say about marriage:

What about getting married? Is that something you want to do at all?

“Oh yeah. We’re getting married in a couple of years. In 2012.”

What would you say that marriage means to you?

“I don’t know. I mean because technically me and Rick…I mean, we aren’t married but pretty much we are….To be married I think you need to love somebody and want to spend the rest of your life with them and commit to them and be in everything with them 100%, but I mean, you can have that without marriage. You know what I mean?”

So it’s not that necessary.

“Yeah. You can have it without marriage. Without the paper.”

So why do you think it is that you guys eventually want to get married?

“Ummm…just because it’s like time, I guess. I kinda feel like it’s time to do it. Umm…just because we feel like it’s time to do it. You know, we’ve been together so long, we’ve got two kids, it just…You know? Yeah.”

So it just feels like it’s the next thing to do, but you wouldn’t recommend to do it until you’re like really sure?

“Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I’ve still got two years to double check myself, you know what I mean? You should always make sure before you put yourself in that situation. Always.”

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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Aimless

Amber Lapp 07.18.2011 4:49 PM

On Tara’s Facebook page, she looks like a sixteen year old girl, but in person she looks like a woman. A woman with sad eyes. Beautiful, but weary beyond her twenty years. Fiery red hair, but eyes devoid of passion.

When she’s not at her boyfriend’s mom’s place, she stays at her aunt’s house, which is where I meet her. It’s a white house that looks like it dates back to the early 1900s. The paint is peeling on the porch, but it’s still charming. Tara sits in a rocking chair and I’m in an oversized lawn chair with floral print padding overtop. An orange cat—too big to be a kitten but too small and wiry to be an adult—is perched on the railing. It loses its balance and almost falls off into the bushes. “That poor thing. My aunt says she’s near dead,” Tara tells me.

Across the street is a row of similar houses, green lawns, and trees waving in the wind. It’s almost idyllic. Of course, Tara tells me that the folks who grow up in this town have seen a lot. Specifically, she’s thinking of drug and alcohol abuse. Heroin is real popular, and her mom was on meth for a long time. (“Wouldn’t be surprised if she still is,” Tara comments.)

When she looks over the consent form for the interview and realizes that I’ll be paying her for her time, she says, “Sweet! I was really wanting some cigarettes. It’s probably a sign I should stop. It’s a bad habit. But I was really wanting some.” She’s also going to walk over to Target and get a box of fake nails to give herself a manicure. She shows me her currently stubby fingernails, sticky with superglue residue from her last manicure and says, “I’m not very good with money.” Tara is now unemployed, but even when she did have a decent income, she says she’d blow it all on consumables.

If I had to give a word to describe Tara, it would be aimless. Not that she’s not smart (she was a straight A student), not that she’s any lazier than the next person, not that she doesn’t want to find happiness—it’s just that she’s never been given a
direction or many resources, she has no idea of what she wants, and no motivation to plan. She’s been kicked out of the house multiple times by her alcoholic mom, she doesn’t really know where her home is, she doesn’t know what she wants out of life. She’s never been a planner—she takes one moment at a time. Her My Space page sums up her life philosophy: “Live for the moment. We can sleep when we die.” The music she listens to—Marilyn Manson, Metallica, Slipknot—scream this philosophy. Read More

Categories: Civil Society, Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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Conservative’s Cluelessness Makes Black Audiences Miss the Message

Christelyn D. Karazin 07.12.2011 12:15 PM

I read, along with millions of others, about ”The Marriage Vow–A Declaration of Dependence upon Marriage and Family” that was signed by Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) and former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum.

Taken on it’s face, a “declaration of dependence upon marriage and family” is a positive step in the right direction when it comes to government officials participating in community initiatives to promote marriage and family, because from a policy (and common sense) perspective, study after study shows that children raised by two parents do better in school, have less behavioral problems, and are less likely to use drugs and drop out of school. Married couples tend to be healthier and wealthier. It’s good policy to promote marriage.

But here’s where the declaration fell flat on it’s face, and I fear that any real chance of the black community getting on board with this pledge was thwarted by this language:

Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.

If this initiative expected any support from black churches, moderate to conservative blacks, community and other pro-family organizations that could have HELPED them spread a potentially positive message just evaporated in a puff of smoke.

I am befuddled that “The Family Leader” could get the American history so disastrously wrong. Black slaves were not allowed to be married. While they had their own “symbolic marriage,” by jumping over a broom, which signifies two people leaving one life and jumping into a new one together, that was as close as African slaves could get to marriage. Black men were used as studs, and black women were treated as brood mares, and their offspring were separated and sold. How anyone is government unaware to this well-documented truth completely boggles my mind.

And that’s where “The Family Leader” blew it. Now I fear, nothing they could ever say could get black people who are pro-marriage and pro-family on board to support them, which is sad. Black people have by far the highest out-of-wedlock rate (73%) than any other race in America. They’ve since removed the language, but it’s way to late. The horse is out of the barn.

When policy makers and organizations use ignorant language like this, you miss the opportunity and marginalize yourselves. What the organization should have said is that the black family was the strongest after slavery, when they had the highest marriage rate. At the time Martin Luther King Jr. did his “I Have a Dream” speech, over 70% of black children were being raised by a married mother and father. That’s what “The Family Leader” should have said.

But it’s too late. Now no one who should be listening will be listening. And that’s a shame.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.

Categories: Faith and Families, Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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Making Love and Babies (Without Rushing Marriage)

Amber Lapp 07.11.2011 9:49 AM

Daniels, Kentucky—the town that Erica recently moved to—reminds me of her hometown, Maytown, Ohio. When you first pull off the highway, there’s a McDonald’s and a gas station, and a pizza and sub joint, but as you get further into the town, most of the buildings seems to be auto shops or churches. A railroad winds around town and Erica tells me that she loves hearing the trains go by. It’s different than hearing the subway clank or the Amtrak shake—a locomotive has a full-bodied, time-stilling kind of sound. And then there’s the Whippy Dip, housed in a historic-looking white house, a banner advertising 24 different flavors of soft serve hanging across the porch. Beside the Whippy Dip is the park where I wait to meet Erica.

A dust brown Chevy pick-up pulls up, engine roaring. Troy, Erica’s live-in boyfriend, has a cigarette sticking out of his mouth as he drives. He’s an attractive twenty-something, with dark sunglasses and blonde scruff on his chin and muscled arms protruding from a ripped-sleeves t-shirt. Frankie, Troy’s two year old son, is sandwiched in between the couple, clinging to two Woody the cowboy dolls that Erica tells me he takes everywhere, even the bathtub.

Erica, 24, greets me exuberantly, talking almost nonstop from the moment we first meet. She’s short—I’d guess less than five feet—and reminds me of Piglet. She has a pink pixie nose and squinty grey eyes. Today she’s wearing bootcut jeans that fall over top a pair of cowboy boots and a navy blue tee with a white imprint of a guitar. Despite her petite frame, Erica is a mother of two. She’s also in the process of getting a criminal justice degree through an online university and in the process of getting a divorce from her “baby daddy” who lives back in Ohio.

As we talk, Troy and Frankie play on the swing set nearby until their faces are red with heat. They drive off (engine gyrating while Erica rolls her eyes and says “show-off”) and return with a bottle of Big Red. The boys play for a little longer before returning to the pick-up where they scare us with some leftover Fourth of July firecrackers before Erica goes and scolds them. And then, they’re off to the bait and tackle shop and then to a friend’s boat dock. “I take care of two boys, I swear,” she laughs afterwards.

Erica’s story is becoming a common one to me: she got pregnant with her high school sweetheart shortly after graduation, married him at 21, had another baby, separated from him four months later, and is now living with Troy, who works at a tire factory and has joint custody of the son he had with his ex-girlfriend of four years. In Erica’s circle, raising kids in a revolving door of relationships is normal, but Erica is adamant that it’s not ideal. And given the instability of relationships, moms and dads try to proceed with caution. After eight months of dating, Erica just introduced her kids to Troy last weekend. (Erica’s children are currently living with their great-grandparents until she feels she has a more stable situation. These are the same grandparents that raised Erica after her parents divorced and her mom started partying too hard.) And, she always tells potential partners that she is “a package deal.” Like so many other single mothers, her mantra is, understandably, “If you’re gonna be my lover, you gotta love my kids.” Read More

Categories: Childbearing, Civil Society, Dating, Mating, Hooking Up, Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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When Dads Act Like Donors

Amber Lapp 07.08.2011 3:04 PM

I recently spoke with Danielle, a single mom of two, about dads. In the conversation, she mentioned that she uses the phrase “sperm donor” to refer to deadbeat dads who don’t do anything except make the baby. She also hears other people use the phrase in the same way. For example, her boyfriend, who resents his dad for not being around much when he was growing up, bitterly calls his dad “sperm donor.”

It’s interesting that a euphemism like “sperm donor”—a word meant to evoke positive feelings by making men who sell their sperm sound like philanthropists—is also used as a slur to describe dads that shirk their responsibilities.

Categories: Fatherhood, Love & Marriage in Middle America, My Daddy's Name is Donor, Reproductive Technologies, The Future of Parenthood
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When Cheating is Fair Game

Amber Lapp 06.27.2011 9:46 PM

I’ve noticed an inconsistency in the way some women think about cheating. When I ask about views on cheating, I hear the usual: “It’s unjustifiable, it makes you feel worthless, it’s grounds for divorce.”

But then, almost in the next breath, an affair that the married woman is having is excused by this logic: “In my mind, the marriage is over.”

All that to say that while cheating is largely agreed to be one of the most cruel things you could do to a partner, it also seems fairly common to hear someone say that if one partner decides that the marriage is no longer worth fighting for, then finding a new partner, even before filing for divorce, is not cheating.

In other words, a person can choose when she is married, and when she is not, regardless of legal standing. I recently spoke with a woman who is now talking marriage with a boyfriend while her estranged husband posts messages about missing his wife and baby on his Facebook wall, like desperate shout outs to her, hoping that she’ll return. And, yet, in her mind, she is not cheating on him. The marriage was over months ago. (No matter what the government thinks. Marriage is a private relationship. Or so the thinking goes.)

And speaking of Facebook, it’s interesting to think about how this new technology allows a kind of autonomous decision making about marriage that is both separate from any kind of institution or law and yet exudes a kind of public legitimacy. Sarah was able to change her Facebook name from Clark (her married name) to Noble (her maiden name) as soon as she felt like the relationship was over. And while her husband’s status read “married” even after the separation, hers read “single.”

While Sarah hopes to marry again and says that marriage is a “special bond” unlike any other, she also feels like she has the authority to say that her marriage with her husband is no longer a marriage at all. In her words, “it’s just a piece of paper.” And therefore, there is no longer any husband to cheat on.

Categories: Love & Marriage in Middle America, Marriage
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I Love My Daddy…Which Daddy?

Amber Lapp 06.14.2011 6:49 PM

I was just skimming some Facebook pictures of an old classmate’s month old baby: a dark head of hair like a baby gorilla’s tufts; miniature nose, eyes, and mouth; and a pink onesie that reads, “I Love my Daddy.”

The caption below the photo exclaims that Sophia “really loves her Daddy!!!!!!!” I cringe a little bit, because the sentence, the outfit, the photo all slap me like a boldfaced lie.

The truth is that Sophia’s biological daddy is not in the pictures, and hasn’t been much of a part of her one month old life. He’d like to be—his own Facebook profile says that she means the world to him—but he also happens to be Sophia’s mommy’s estranged husband (they’re still married, but she is now with someone else, and that someone else gets the privilege of being called daddy).

I hope that Sophia can grow up with some semblance of stability, and with a father’s love. I’ve known people who have wonderful relationships with their stepfathers, so I don’t mean to downplay any role that Sophia’s new “daddy” might play in her life. But I do wonder what Sophie will say when she’s older. Right now, her mom can dress her up as she pleases and decide who she will call daddy, but someday Sophia will also want to know about the man who actually shares her flesh, blood, and bones.

And for that biological father, I can only imagine how difficult Father’s Day will be.

Categories: Childbearing, Children of Divorce, Love & Marriage in Middle America
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Are Attitudes Beginning to Change?

Christelyn D. Karazin 05.29.2011 11:58 PM

Last week I had the pleasure of learning about Jayvon Muhammad, a midwife in South Carolina, working on her own campaign against the alarming normalcy of out-of-wedlock births in the black community. (Right now that statistic hovers around 70-73%, with some impoverished neighborhoods soaring to 90% and up.) Jezebel picked up the story, and then Clutch, a widely-read online magazine for African American women, followed.

Of course both magazines were critical of Muhammad’s work, as per the usual order of the day. Clutch writer Leslie Pitterson said:

Lost in this rhetoric is the assumption that all black women need or are ultimately seeking out to play the “feminine role.” While it is no doubt the tradition route, to assume that marriage is for every sister does not take into account that we don’t all share the same needs and desires.

I could go on a tirade about how the author is once again regurgitating the same rhetoric to justify the unjustifiable. Let her tell it, 73% of black women just don’t think marriage is “for” them. I seriously doubt that most of us would rather struggle alone and in poverty with little to no help or involvement from our children’s fathers. That is a cruel lie.

But what was different, and what gave me pause and encouragement,were the comments from 122 women who weighed in on Urban Midwifery. From the sounds of it, attitudes about normalizing the abnormal may be starting to change.

One reader said this:

I applaud this sister for taking a stand on an issue that has been plaguing the black/Latino communities for almost 30 years. Regardless of whether you believe marriage is for you, you have to be blind not to see how damaging the baby mama epidemic is to the success of our culture.

…and frank talk I can appreciate from another:

Black women are the only ones who settle for crumbs or settle for having several kids – not just one – without expecting the man to marry her.

Overwhelmingly, Mohammad’s work was supported quite plain. It looks like people are feeling more free to say “the sky is blue,” and that’s a very, very good thing.