Archives: Fatherhood

‘Downside of rising single motherhood’

02.24.2012 12:39 PM

Cathy Young of Reason writes:

…married fathers, especially in households where both parents work, have become involved in hands-on child-rearing to an extent that would have seemed unthinkable 50 years ago. It is no longer unusual to see fathers changing diapers, bottle-feeding infants, or shopping with toddlers. Stay-at-home dads are a small but growing population.

Yet the trend toward more engaged fatherhood is being canceled out by the growing number of children with no father in the home. This redefinition of families as women and their children is a modern-day version of the old-fashioned, very non-feminist notion of family and child-rearing as a female domain in which men are only visitors. Sending men the signal that they are disposable is hardly a way to encourage them to be better fathers.

Concerns about the drop in two-parent families are often couched in sexist nostalgia for the days when men were the breadwinners and women stayed home. The 1950s-style family is certainly not the only environment in which children can thrive. But glorifying single motherhood is no better and, in the end, no less sexist.


New normal

02.18.2012 9:56 AM

From today NYTs:

It used to be called illegitimacy. Now it is the new normal. After steadily rising for five decades, the share of children born to unmarried women has crossed a threshold: more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage.

The core consequences of this trend are the weakening of fatherhood as a social role for men and the declining trust of children in their biological fathers.  Do we as a society see a problem here?


Trent’s apparently popular idea

02.12.2012 6:42 PM

Just another guy tryin’ to be a good dad.


Children of Divorce in Song

02.10.2012 1:11 PM

Came across a video by a singer named Jonny Craig called “Children of Divorce.” Watching it, it appears to be sung from the point of view of a father estranged from his child and the mother of the child. “Maybe someday she will know…my name,” he sings. (I just wish he didn’t also sing, if I understand him correctly, that the child was a “mistake.”) Interestingly, it seems to have been covered by a number of other artists such as this one, Ray Ligaya. (You Tube helpfully runs ads like “Is he cheating on you?” while you’re watching the video.)


Parentless Parents

02.06.2012 1:21 PM

I recently checked out a fairly new book by Allison Gilbert titled, Parentless Parents: How the Loss of our Mothers and Fathers Impacts the Way we Raise our Children.  I immediately thought of a dear friend of mine who once explained to me how after both her parents died she rues her birthday.  Each year, she is reminded that of the three people directly involved in and present on the day she came into the world, only she remains.  It was somehow comforting to her to know that there were other people in the world for whom remembering her birthday was not optional.  But now, everyone who remembers her birthday is ancillary and does so by choice not by direct association.

I picked up the book because although both my parents are living, I am married to someone whose father has died.  Over the years, I have grieved and struggled with the awareness that I don’t know what he goes through or how the death of a parent impacts all that you are and all that you will be.  The author, Gilbert, not only has experienced the death of both her parents but also has researched through quantitative surveys and qualitative interviews the experiences of parentless parents, and through both her story and the stories of others she seeks to create community as well as offer ideas for how to survive and thrive despite loss.  Read More


Where is my family?

01.23.2012 12:04 AM

Tonight I was watching Anonymous Father’s Day. Fellow bloggers and readers, please watch it soon and share your thoughts here and tell your friends about it.

I have so many thoughts but one in particular I wanted to share, right now, was in reaction to Stephanie Blessing when she said that with anonymous conception you “don’t know where half your family is.”

That phrase leapt out at me. I have often heard donor conceived persons speak of the loss of not knowing who their father is, or not know who half of their family is. But Stephanie’s use of the word “where” struck me especially deeply. It made me think of the aftermath of wars and natural disasters when the Red Cross and international aid organizations arrive to help. I’m no disaster relief expert but my understanding is that after attending to the most subsistence level needs of the survivors — food, clean water, shelter, medical care — one of the immediate next steps is to help survivors reunite with their families. When a wave has swept away your town or rebels have set fire to your village and you find that, somehow, you are among the living, it appears as a human being one of your very next questions is… Where is my father? Where is my mother? Where is my husband, my wife, my sister, my brother, my child? Where is my family?

We are embodied social beings. Our bodies come from and connect to one another. We cannot feel soothed and settled until we know where our families are.


Anonymous Father’s Day

01.20.2012 11:50 PM

A powerful new documentary by Jennifer Lahl and the team that made Eggsploitation. The new documentary features interviews with many voices familiar to readers here at FamilyScholars, including Alana S., Stephanie Blessing, and me.

Are you in the NYC area? Go see it on January 29th at the Soho Digital Art Gallery. Screening times and information here. More screenings to follow at the same location that week, and more to come around the country.

You can also order the DVD.

Congratulations, Jennifer!


99 problems but the b*tch ain’t one

01.17.2012 8:53 PM

The title of course refers to Jay-Z’s super hit single from 2004, but the times have changed. A little over a week ago Jay-Z and Beyonce welcomed their first daughter, baby girl Blue Ivy. The proud father quickly wrote a song dedicated to the newborn, and it shows that the experience of helping to create a new female has altered how the world’s most successful rapper feels about women:
Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich./ I didn’t think hard about using the word b*tch./ I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it./ Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it.

No man will degrade her, or call her name. I’m so focused on your future, the degradation has passed./ I wish you wealth, health and insight. Forever young you may pass.

Fatherhood truly makes the world a better place.

Did the state of Virginia turn a legal father into a defacto sperm donor?

01.09.2012 11:45 AM

The Virginian-Pilot columnist Kerry Dougherty thinks so.

[The child] was born in July 2009 to unmarried parents who had been living together for about four years. Breit’s name was on the birth certificate, of course. Before the baby arrived, the couple signed a custody and visitation agreement in case they someday split.

After the baby was born, they even signed an acknowledgment of paternity proclaiming Breit to be the father. Plenty of documentation to hit him up for child support, if that had been in the cards.

It wasn’t.

And it wasn’t enough to let him see his daughter once the mother decided she wanted to raise the child alone.

The couple separated when Lily was about 4 months old. Breit said they had an amicable arrangement that lasted for months, allowing him regular visits with his daughter. But in August 2010, the mother decided she wanted Breit out of their lives.

…Breit headed to court, asking for visitation, but lawyers for the baby’s mother dusted off a Virginia law that said that donors of sperm have no rights unless they’re married to the mother. A judge ruled that Breit was nothing but a sperm donor…


How Many Mothers?

01.05.2012 11:30 AM

I agree, both women are biological parents — and not only that they had and raised the child together, so they are both rightfully legal parents.

Of course, the child has a third biological parent as well, the man the mothers and the court refers to as the sperm donor. A story by Susan Donaldson James at ABC News:

Tina’s biological daughter turned 8 this week, but she has not seen the girl since Dec. 22, 2008, because of a custody fight with her former lesbian partner. The partner is unrelated to the child, but gave birth to her.

“I thought I’d have her back on her birthday,” said Tina, a law enforcement officer, whose name was never on the birth certificate and who has been denied parenting rights under Florida state law.

For 11 years, the Brevard County couple forged a committed relationship, living together, sharing their finances and raising a daughter. Tina’s egg was fertilized with donor sperm and implanted in her partner’s womb.

But when their romance fell apart when the child was 2, the Florida courts had to decide, who is the legal parent, the biological mother or the birth mother who carried the child for nine months in her womb?

A trial court summarily sided with Tina’s ex-partner, citing Florida statute.  “The judge said, ‘It breaks my heart, but this is the law,’” according to the birth mother’s lawyer, Robert J. Wheelock of Orlando.

But on Dec. 23, a state appeals court rejected the law as antiquated and recognized both women as legal parents.


Incarceration Generation

01.04.2012 4:13 PM

Many months ago I recorded an episode of “Our America” hosted by Lisa Ling titled “Incarceration Generation,” and I finally found time to watch it yesterday.  Following the lives of two incarcerated young men in Georgia, Nick and Royal, Ling focuses on the past and future families of these two men, wondering how their families of origin shaped their path to prison and how their imprisonment shapes the lives of their current and future families.

Ling covers much statistical and economic common ground that continues to startle. She begins with depressing statistics like “African-American men make up 6% of the total American population but 1/3 of the incarcerated.”  She reminded me of the Pew Charitable Trust funded report “1 in 100: Behind Bars in America 2008.”

“Three decades of growth in America’s prison population has quietly nudged the nation across a sobering threshold: for the first time, more than one in every 100 adults is now confined in an American jail or prison. According to figures gathered and analyzed by the Pew Public Safety Performance Project, the number of people behind bars in the United States continued to climb in 2007, saddling cash-strapped states with soaring costs they can ill afford and failing to have a clear impact either on recidivism or overall crime.

For some groups, the incarceration numbers are especially startling. While one in 30 men between the ages of 20 and 34 is behind bars, for black males in that age group the figure is one in nine. Gender adds another dimension to the picture. Men still are roughly 10 times more likely to be in jail or prison, but the female population is burgeoning at a far brisker pace. For black women in their mid- to late-30s, the incarceration rate also has hit the 1-in-100 mark. Growing older, meanwhile, continues to have a dramatic chilling effect on criminal behavior. While one in every 53 people in their 20s is behind bars, the rate for those over 55 falls to one in 837.”

Each man faced difficulties economically growing up, which in part spurred their involvement in crime. But prison has devastating effects on their hope of changing their economic outlook legally after prison as well.  She follows each man as they try to figure out how to get a job when every job application asks if you’ve ever been convicted of a felony.  As Royal’s stepfather says, “Once you’ve done time on the inside, you face a life sentence on the outside…No one will have you.”

Although the stats and the economic roots and impact of prison are humbling and eye-opening, I was struck by how the title “Incarceration Generation” could easily have been changed to “Fathers Matter and Prison is Terrible for Fatherhood.”  Ling spends a good deal of time with Nick’s girlfriend and two young sons who anticipate his release from prison soon.  One of his sons has not yet met him.   Ling asks the girlfriend what she wants when he gets home:

“I want a 2 parent, 2 income household.  If he can’t give me that, then I’m gone.”

But she is worried about male role models.  Every male in her life (dad, brother and boyfriend) is in prison.  What chance do her young sons have?  Nick seems pretty hopeless as well: he has a 9th grade education, admits he doesn’t know how to use a computer, and with being in and out of prison for the last 8 years, has no job experience.

Royal, on the other hand, is spending his days at the public library taking computer classes and filling out resumes.  His family of origin is supportive, especially his stepfather, Carl, who as an ex-convict started a non-profit organization that supports previous prisoners.  They highlight a program he leads in a Georgia school that offers training to teen dads on parenting skills.  They film him in a full cafeteria of teen boys who are already fathers.  He asks how many of them grew up with their dads.  Two raise their hands.  “Two,” he says, “Boys can make babies, but it takes a man to raise one.  Who wants to be a man?”

Overall, the negative impact of incarceration on the individual, the family, and the community as a whole is staggering, and Ling covers just a part of Georgia and she stops at description.  As I turned off the television, I realized again that description only goes so far and that it’s up to us to highlight the prescriptions that are working and to start thinking and trying more.


Virtual Doesn’t Cut It

12.29.2011 12:09 PM

I wonder if this guy gets to pay less child support because of these regular video chat “visits”?

…A mother in Vancouver (her name is not appearing here to protect her toddler’s privacy), complained that her ex-husband, who video chats three times a week with their 23-month-old daughter, seemed to believe that such interactions were an adequate form of being a parent. It has “given him an excuse to be an absent father.”

“He can say, ‘Oh yeah, I saw her, she’s doing this and that,’ ” the mother said. “But she has no sense of him. She can’t touch him, she can’t feel him. There’s none of that other sensory experience. He hasn’t seen her in person since she was 3 weeks old…”


Father’s Presence (not Presents) Matters Most

12.22.2011 9:53 AM

I read this thoughtful blog post yesterday from Pastor Michael Karunas at U Matters.  Some excerpts:

“In an article entitled “Parental Divorce and Religious Involvement among Yong Adults,” it is shown that an influencing factor in whether or not a child of divorced parents participates in a religious community in adulthood is a father who modeled a life of faith as they grew.  Moreover, adult children of divorced parents report being less involved religiously than adult children of intact families (mother and father who were not divorced).  In part, this may be due to the fact that fathers were less involved in their lives in general.
All of this shows us that fathers matter!  As a husband for 12 years and father of three myself, it is very important to me that we fathers understand that we make a difference in our children’s lives, not just by what we actively do, but simply by being present to them.  As a man of faith, it is also compelling to me that we fathers matter when it comes to the faith of our children.  Too often we allow the stereotype to be fulfilled that women (mothers, grandmothers, etc.) are the transmitters of faith to the next generation.  But this simply is not true.  Our children are watching us too.  They are persuaded by the choices we make as well…
If we fathers want children who are expert marksmen when they are 30, we should model for them good hunting habits now.  If we want them to grow to be excellent athletes, we should hit the gym every time the doors open.  And if we want them to be believers when they are adults – committed to a faith community and enjoying all of the incredible gifts that come from it – we need to set the example of being active in a religious community with them now.
True power, as Joseph shows us, is choosing not to do something, even though we may be fully capable and justified in doing it, because it’s not what’s called for at the moment.  When Jesus was arrested the night before his death, he said to the arresting soldiers, “Do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father and he will at once send me more than twelve legions of angels?” (Matthew 16:53)  He could have saved himself.  He didn’t “deserve” to die.  He would have been justified in retaliating.  But it wasn’t called for at the moment.  And because Jesus didn’t do what he could have done, he exercised a power so great that it offered salvation to the whole world.  Who knows?  Maybe he learned this from Joseph, who set a similar example as his father years earlier.”

Father’s Little Dividend

12.20.2011 7:41 PM

Late Saturday night while working on a craft project (ask me if I’ve learned how to wallpaper a dollhouse) I tapped around on the Netflix instant queue and found 1951′s Father’s Little Dividend, starring Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor. Apparently the inspiration for the more recent Father of the Bride movies starring Steve Martin and Diane Keaton, the earlier version similarly features a father (Spencer Tracy) sauntering home on a sunny afternoon, realizing that his mortgage is paid, his daughter is married, his younger sons are well on their way to graduation, and perhaps he can revisit those dreams of young manhood before responsibility weighed him down. He comes in the front door, gives his wife a big wet kiss, and suggests a trip to the islands.

But alas, that evening the married daughter (Elizabeth Taylor) and her husband have all the parents over and announce their joyful news — they’re having a baby. Everyone bursts with surprise and joy, hugging, exclaiming — all except for the Spencer Tracy character who sits shell-shocked. “Congratulations, Grandpa!” someone says as they clap him on the back. “Grandpa?!” Spencer Tracy says to himself. “Grandpa??!!” The next day he hits the gym, only to wake the following morning with a pulled back and a wife already in high gear preparing for the great day still months away.

This movie, sixty years old, struck me as incredibly contemporary. From the new Grandpa’s reactions to aging, to his stumbling attempt to reassure his son-in-law that the new baby will not replace him as top dog in his young wife’s heart (well, not for long anyway, well, not much) — echoing themes explored in our recent report, “When Baby Makes Three” — to the Elizabeth Taylor character happily telling her increasingly alarmed father that (paraphrasing here) her doctor has “new ideas, that when a woman is in labor she should really feel the labor, and Dr So-and-so thinks that when the baby is born the mother and the baby should not be separated, not ever, and when Dr So-and-so was practising medicine in Polynesia, why, the mothers there would wear their babies on their backs and when they were hungry, well, they would just flip them around, feed them, and then flip them onto their backs again…,” foreshadowing all the debates about natural childbirth, attachment parenting, baby-wearing, and nursing that got going approximately two decades after this movie appeared and still rage today.

Maybe it’s true that there is nothing new under the sun. We just re-tell ourselves the same stories for our own time, but the story stays the same.


Bollywood takes on sperm donation

12.17.2011 11:38 AM

Sperm donation is another issue that was avoided by filmmakers till now. In Onir’s episodic film, I Am, one of the segments has Purab Kohli playing a young boy who makes a living as a sperm donor. The story shows how a single woman played by Nandita Das approaches the donor.


‘UN Calls on Israel to Cancel “Tender Years” Clause’

12.06.2011 1:18 PM

Why on earth is this a UN issue?

The United Nations’ Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights has determined that Israel discriminates against divorced fathers and has called upon Israel to cancel the Tender Years Clause that grants automatic custody over children in divorce cases to their mothers. Israel is said to be the last country in the world not to have canceled the clause. more


CNN.com: “Where is the love in R and B music?”

12.04.2011 3:00 PM

Writer John Blake pens an excellent piece on R and B music and family structure. I hope this piece gets reprinted or included in a collection somewhere. It’s a good, weighty exploration and deserves more than a moment in the news cycle.

…when I listen to R&B today, I ask myself the same question Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway posed in their classic 1972 duet: “Where is the Love?” Read More


Fathers

12.02.2011 11:06 AM

To witness David Blankenhorn in the midst of the release of his 1995 book, Fatherless America, being interviewed by a delightfully hairy, skeptical intellectual in a civil, lively, and highly intelligent 30 minute long interview such that one cannot seem to find anymore on live television, check out this video recently posted to You Tube by someone.

Fifteen years later we’re still plumbing the themes raised by David in that book and discussed in that interview. What a treat to watch this.


‘Because the sexual orientation of my parents has had zero influence on the content of my character’

12.01.2011 12:34 PM

From my dear UU pastor friend’s Facebook account I see, today, this three minute video of an extraordinarily well-spoken young man, Zach Wahls, conceived via anonymous sperm donation, raised by lesbian moms, making the case for marriage equality in Iowa. He even beautifully echoes Martin Luther King in his closing words.


‘The concern of a donor for the Italian cryokids’

11.30.2011 12:10 PM

A new story at AnonymousUs.org, by an Italian sperm donor father.