Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen The Kids Are Alright yet, maybe you’d like to save this post for your Blackberry reading material on the ride home from the theater.
I saw a lot of myself in this film, even though the movie clearly focused on the struggles of the parents, rather than the kids (not necessarily a bad thing, adults’ stories have a right to exist).
Favorite quotes:
- Jules (Julianne Moore): “The plan was to limit his involvement. I don’t want to timeshare our kids.”
- Laser (son) to Paul (biological father): “Do you want to be buried or cremated?” Paul’s response: “Buried! I don’t want to be diminished into a white creamy substance.” Laser: “What does it matter? You’ll be dead anyways…” Paul: “Yea, but I would want some place for my family to come visit me.”
- Joni (daughter): “I got all A’s. I did everything you wanted so now you can show to everyone what a perfect lesbian family you are.”
Points to Appreciate:
- Sexuality can be complicated and mixed. To cage people into categories of gay and straight and expect them to stay that way forever doesn’t express human sexual behavior justly. You may like strawberry ice-cream most days, but every now and then, its fun to taste a little rocky road- or watch someone else taste it on a big HD TV screen with surround sound.
- Allowing your sperm donor to enter your social circle is messy and generally a bad idea- if you want to keep your marriage intact, don’t let him anywhere near your kids or your pretty wife.
- Marriage is difficult. Managing a household with other human beings brings struggles even when you have love, cash, and straight-A kids.
- Men, especially rugged, careless ones with a strong will to procreate, are not to be trusted. They will steal your woman and jeopardize the safety of your children.
- You don’t always know what you’re getting. Just because Donor Dad said he was studying International Relations on that fill-in-the-blank questionnaire he submitted when he was 19, doesn’t mean he’s much of a brainiac. He may in fact, turn out to be a food-service slacker with no motivation to participate in team sports.
- Your children will not grow up to be younger carbon copies of you nor your sperm donor.
- If you’re a child of sperm donation, you have a choice. You can either seek out your biological father and try to cultivate a relationship with him, or you can maintain loyalty to the parent(s) that raised you. You can not do both simultaneously. Children must pick which parent to let in and love wholly because your social parent most likely will be significantly threatened by the involvement of your biological father.
Disappointments:
I craved further development of the kids’ characters. They brushed on what I felt were central developmental struggles for fatherless kids. Laser’s friend Clay was an example of masculinity run amok: an exceptionally immature, insensitive exhibitionist who got his jollies from skateboarding off roof-tops and urinating on the faces of feral dogs. I wish the point was made clearer that boys with no consistent usher into Manhood, will often separate from their mothers and shape their expression of masculinity in (self) destructive ways.
Joni, the daughter, is obviously having issues with sexuality. She is straight. She wants to go after a male acquaintance of hers, but has no idea how to. This concept was so shallowly touched upon, I have no real idea what the writers’ thoughts are on this subject- though I appreciate their acknowledging it at all. Which brings me to my favorite words from David Blankenhorn’s book, Fatherless America, a.k.a., Alana’s favorite book ever:
Pages 46-47
A father plays a distinctive role in shaping a daughter’s sexual style and her understanding of the male-female bond. A father’s love and involvement builds a daughter’s confidence in her own femininity and contributes to her sense that she is worth loving… Deprived of a stable relationship with a non-exploitative adult male who loves them, these girls can remain developmentally “stuck,” struggling with issues of security and trust that well-fathered girls have already successfully resolved.
He quotes Judith Musick:
The self’s voice in these young women may remain fixed on one basic set of questions… What do I need to do, and who do I need to be, to find a man who won’t abandon me, as the men in my life and my mother’s life have done? …Girls for whom basic acceptance and love are the primary motivating forces have little interest or emotional energy to invest in school or work-related activities unless they are exceptionally bright and talented. Even then, the pull of unmet affiliative or dependency needs may be more powerful than anything the worlds of school or work have to offer.
I plenty understand the limits of a screenplay. A writer only has 100 pages to say what they want to say. Every creator has to work within limitations and I appreciate the perspective of the mothers in this movie- important truths were told. I look forward to more art and media from a child’s perspective, focusing on development and growth, via their point-of-view.
There was only one point in the movie where I cried- Mark Ruffalo, bio-dad, fastens a helmet onto Joni’s head right before he takes her on a sunset ride through the LA basin on his motorcycle. He secures it onto her in a completely sweet moment of father-daughter gentleness and they smile at each other. For some reason the tears just started rolling. I was so envious of Joni in that moment, and not just because I love motorcycles. She was being invited and ushered into an epically joyful piece of masculine culture- and there was absolutely no sexual tension, no quid pro quo. She didn’t have to lead him on or sleep with him to bask in the joys of his masculine universe. That is what it means to be loved by your father.
On the affair:
I don’t feel prepared to assert any significant insights into the complicated entanglements of Jules and Paul’s affair and the great blur of sexuality and procreation. But I will say… the magnetic charge of a man is likely to increase if you make children with him. I found myself wishing desperately that Jules would break up with Nic to be with Paul. Oh how lucky Laser would be for the two people that made him to fall in love and get together. Of course, such a move would dismantle the entire micro-utopia Jules and Nic worked for so many years to create. So for person A and B to win, that means person C, D, and (B?) will have to lose. Someone always gets left out. And fathers just make things messy anyways.
Oy-vey.
