Archives: Fatherhood

Moms, Dads, and Good Ol’ Oxytocin

Elizabeth Marquardt 09.03.2010 3:08 PM

Lisa Belkin of NYT’s Motherlode blog writes:

Oxytocin has been called “the love hormone” because levels of it rise in women during childbirth and breast-feeding, and it is thought to facilitate bonding. It is present in men, too, and everything from eye contact to orgasm can increase its amount.

But does the hormone stimulate bonding in new fathers as it does in new mothers? A new study in the journal Biological Psychiatry, the first to look at what its authors describe as “the transition to fatherhood,” suggests that it does. And it also suggests a biological basis for the fact that men and women so often relate differently to infant and toddlers, with women more often cooing and cuddling and men tickling and tossing. more


Deatbeat Donors

Elizabeth Marquardt 09.01.2010 2:01 PM

A story by one mom who used a sperm donor to have a child, who started out well-off financially but hit hard times:

…But to get help from the state, I first have to meet with a social worker and then the CHILD SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. The eagle has landed. I didn’t know when or why that donor was going to be a problem – but that problem is now! If a mother with children needs public assistance and she’s not receiving child support, then the state will find the father and make him either pay support now or repay the government later for part of the help his child receives.

So I get out all of the paperwork from many years ago and take it to my meeting with the child support officer. He listened to my story. I spread all the clinic documents in front of him. He asked a few questions before looking at me like I had three heads! I told him that was all I could do to prove to him that he would never locate my daughter’s “deadbeat dad.”

He said he still needed to advertise in the newspaper that that state was trying to locate my daughter’s biological father in the chance that he would come forward, just as they do in all child support and adoption cases. I told him that would be foolish money spent by the government and that I would be embarrassed to have my name published like that for all to read. Everyone in my world knows how I conceived my daughter. But I didn’t want everyone I ever knew finding out in the newspaper that I was on food stamps!…


“I didn’t survive to make everyone comfortable. I survived to stir things up a bit”

Karen Clark 09.01.2010 9:05 AM

Many people do not see the similarities between the “donor conception/surrogacy” and abortion debates because the “donor/surrogate” conceived are considered “loved and wanted” and the aborted were not.  But they do both fall under the same umbrella of “choice” and “reproductive freedom”.

This has always been a sticking point of mine.  I think an important question that we as a society should be asking ourselves is “Do we have a responsibility for our own sperm and egg when combined to create a new life?” (inside and outside of the womb).  And if we think, as society with integrity, that we do, what should our society do to promote this?

This post was inspired by a talk I just listened to by an abortion survivor, Gianna Jessen.  I found this to be profoundly moving and thoughtful.

Please listen: It is in two parts PART 1 and PART 2

But I didn’t survive to make everyone comfortable.  I survived to stir things up a bit….At the end of the day is it all about you or me?  You better be nice to me because my Father runs the world.


‘Artificially Conceiving a Bad Romantic Comedy’

Elizabeth Marquardt 08.27.2010 11:32 AM

At First Things Mary Rose Somarriba writes:

There’s something sad about forty-one-year-old Aniston playing the older woman who has no marriage prospects and wants a family. There’s something sad about hearing her say onscreen: “Why wait? I am getting older and my biological clock is ticking. . . . I am in the market for some semen.” There’s something sad about hearing Jennifer Lopez say “Maybe this isn’t how I pictured it. . . . I thought I’d be married with kids by now, but that’s just not happening, so, guess it’s time for my back-up plan!”

What’s sad is that some real, deep aspects of the human experience—such as the realization of one’s aging, the desire for love and family, and the sorrow of lost time—are covered up with chipper confidence that none of these things matter anymore. Age doesn’t matter. Time is never lost.


One of my all time favorite youtube videos

Karen Clark 08.26.2010 10:09 PM

(the human’s quest for) identity

and one of my all time favorite bio-ethicists who is able to connect how *all of THIS* is connected.


Hey, Jude

Elizabeth Marquardt 08.26.2010 4:02 PM

I wanted to share with FamilyScholars readers a reflection by Aleks Karnick, a new member of the team here at the Institute for American Values.

**

Hey, Dad

by Aleks Karnick

I think everyone’s had the same argument at one point or another.

You know how it goes. First, everybody’s sitting around chit-chatting about this and that and people start talking about music and rock bands, and pretty much everyone agrees that the Beatles are the most influential rock band in history. That just seems to be the way it goes.

Invariably, someone then poses the question: “So what, in your opinion, is the greatest Beatles’ song ever?” Read More


‘Children Who Dream of Their Fathers’

Elizabeth Marquardt 08.18.2010 10:43 AM

David Mills at First Things reflects at the First Thoughts blog about the recent AP story:

Many donor-conceived children feel this way, as Marquardt showed, but that doesn’t mean much to the donor industry. The firm declaration in the first sentence of the following quote is quickly trumped by the firm declaration that follows.

“. . . The kids’ rights must be met, the group [the American Society for Reproductive Medicine] said, but so must the rights and interests of both the donor and the parents who’ll be raising that child. “The bottom line in the U.S. – we’ve always been big proponents of individual rights in regard to procreation,” Andrea Braverman of the ASRM’s ethics committee told the Associated Press. “We’ve always taken the approach that we get our own choices in terms of how we build and manage our families.””

Well, there it is. Individual rights and our own choices. But exactly what right does a man have to sell or donate his sperm to make a child he’ll never know, to be a father but not be a father?


The wisdom of Jennifer Aniston

Karen Clark 08.18.2010 10:05 AM

Just what are “choice mothers” settling for?
By: Kay Hymowitz
Manhattan Moment
August 18, 2010

To believe the title of another movie released this summer about sperm donor families, The Kids are Alright, this anonymity is nothing to worry about; the kids are better off not knowing. But if it’s true that people don’t care about the identity of the man whose DNA constitutes half of their genetic make-up, we should be ready to substitute the wisdom of Jennifer Aniston for storytellers ranging from Homer, James Joyce, and the writers at Marvel comics.

Ironically, choice mothers themselves are enacting the power of biological rootedness when they insist on bearing their own children rather than adopting an already motherless and fatherless child.

Up until now, no one has bothered to find out what children might think about the laissez-faire approach to fathers. But a first-of-its kind report from the Commission on Parenthood’s Future, “My Daddy’s Name is Donor,” compares a large sample of donor-conceived young adults with a group who grew up with their biological parents.

The report adds up to a troubling picture of adult entitlement and child confusion. While choice mothers have their way, their kids are more likely to suffer malaise about their identity, as well as to abuse drugs and alcohol and to have run-ins with the police.


‘His Sperm, My Choice’

Elizabeth Marquardt 08.17.2010 7:50 PM

NPR producer Alicia Montgomery has written a thoughtful reflection at the NPR blog on our report, My Daddy’s Name is Donor. She shares her own experience growing up with a single mother, her experience as an African American woman who has been “hearing about the inevitable failure of my family and everyone in it for years,” and why she decided to have a child alone via donor insemination, in part because she felt that if, growing up, her mother “had handed me a folder and said, ‘Listen, the reason your father didn’t show up is that – before you were born or even conceived – he signed this piece of paper agreeing to have no contact with me or with you until you turned eighteen,’ that would’ve been better than what I had.” 

For me – and for so many other kids I knew whose fathers weren’t around – what did the most damage was the emotional whiplash of having your dad there one day, and gone the next.  On your 5th birthday, he’d swoop in for a weekend of ballgames, movies, gifts and pizza, and then do nothing for your 6th, a card for your 7th, a gift for the 8th, and back to nothing for the 9th.  The suspense injects a little bit of poison into every celebration, every milestone, and every holiday.


“When it comes to medical records, dogs have more rights than adoptees in New Jersey” by Carol Barbieri

Karen Clark 08.14.2010 8:50 PM

…and the “donor” conceived and our children!

Because my son had the misfortune to be born to a mother who was adopted in New Jersey, his life was being compromised. Access to my original birth certificate would have supplied me with much of the missing, potentially life-saving information.

Can the law at least throw us this bone?  Read here


A provocative commentary and video on trans-racial adoption

Karen Clark 08.11.2010 3:13 PM

I stumbled upon this commentary/video (rated PG13) which I thought worth sharing here .  It was disturbing but it made me think.

Adoption/trans-racial adoption/donor conception/traditional surrogacy and the Aboriginal “Stolen Generation” – all intentionally separate children/people from their biological roots in one form or another.  The artist states “Adoption is a paradox because it is both a blessing and a curse.”  I think this holds true for all of us.

In order to view the video you must first read the “artist’s statement” where you will find the password.

Read and view here:  ‘Better Off, Better Smile’


CBS Chicago: “New Law Answers Questions For Some Adoptees”

Karen Clark 08.11.2010 11:52 AM

My eyes watered as I listened to this man’s reaction.  I understand.

It’s something many of us take for granted: knowing our family history.  A new state law allows some adoptees to find out their mother’s names for the first time.  CBS 2’s Roseanne Tellez reports.

Watch video here


CNN article: “With the web, curiosity and luck, sperm donor siblings connect”

Karen Clark 08.11.2010 10:09 AM

A well  balanced piece about sperm donor sibling and donor/father relationships was published in CNN Living today,  8/11/10.


“The Marriage Ideal” by Ross Douthat 8/8/10

Karen Clark 08.09.2010 10:29 AM

New York Times columnist, Ross Douthat, shares his thoughts on marriage:

So what are gay marriage’s opponents really defending, if not some universal, biologically inevitable institution? It’s a particular vision of marriage, rooted in a particular tradition, that establishes a particular sexual ideal.

This ideal holds up the commitment to lifelong fidelity and support by two sexually different human beings — a commitment that involves the mutual surrender, arguably, of their reproductive self-interest — as a uniquely admirable kind of relationship. It holds up the domestic life that can be created only by such unions, in which children grow up in intimate contact with both of their biological parents, as a uniquely admirable approach to child-rearing. And recognizing the difficulty of achieving these goals, it surrounds wedlock with a distinctive set of rituals, sanctions and taboos.


The Kids/The Switch/The Back-up Plan

Elizabeth Marquardt 08.05.2010 11:40 AM

Unlike past summer films featuring Spiderman, Iron Man, or X-Man, this summer’s leading movie man is the XY-Man, the sperm donor.


The Matrilineal Tilt in the Support of Adult Children

W. Bradford Wilcox 07.27.2010 10:50 PM

It takes a marriage to keep a father investing in his biological children. A mother will keep investing in her biological children no matter what. Of course, there are exceptions to this sociological rule. But, on average, men are much more likely to invest–financially, emotionally, and otherwise–in their biological children when they are married to the mother of their children, whereas women tend to invest in their biological children no matter what their marital status.

A new study in Social Forces, which explores the financial implications of the divorce revolution on parental financial support of adult children, provides more evidence in support of this rule. Sociologists Shelley Clark and Catherine Kenney point out (a) that the divorce revolution has dramatically reshaped the character of intergenerational family ties and (b) that women now have a lot more income and assets of their own to share with their adult children.

You put these two facts together and you find that, in the wake of a divorce, fathers who remarry are much less likely to support their adult children than divorced mothers who remarry or remain single. (Interestingly, divorced fathers who remain single [and few do] support their children at a slightly higher rate than divorced mothers who remain single or remarry.) So, the bottom line here seems to be that the flow of the father’s money is influenced much more by his marital status, whereas the flow of the mother’s money is influenced much more by her biological relatedness to the child. Note: children are most likely to receive financial support from their parents when they remain married to one another.

Another point fleshed out by this study: stepmothers appear to steer less money to their stepchildren, whereas stepfathers appear to allow their money to flow to their stepchildren. Once again, when it comes to parenthood, marriage trumps for men, whereas blood trumps for women.

Finally, this study provides more evidence that as marriage breaks down, the U.S. is seeing what sociologist Frank Furstenberg has called a “matrilineal tilt”. That is, children who experience divorce or single parenthood typically end up relying much more on mom than dad. In this case, the adult children of divorce generally can depend more on mom than dad when they need a financial helping hand.


The Kids Are Alright

Alana S. 07.22.2010 1:25 AM

Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen The Kids Are Alright yet, maybe you’d like to save this post for your Blackberry reading material on the ride home from the theater.

I saw a lot of myself in this film, even though the movie clearly focused on the struggles of the parents, rather than the kids (not necessarily a bad thing, adults’ stories have a right to exist).

Favorite quotes:

  • Jules (Julianne Moore): “The plan was to limit his involvement. I don’t want to timeshare our kids.”
  • Laser  (son)  to Paul (biological father): “Do you want to be buried or cremated?” Paul’s response: “Buried! I don’t want to be diminished into a white creamy substance.” Laser: “What does it matter? You’ll be dead anyways…” Paul: “Yea, but I would want some place for my family to come visit me.”
  • Joni (daughter): “I got all A’s. I did everything you wanted so now you can show to everyone what a perfect lesbian family you are.”

Points to Appreciate:

  • Sexuality can be complicated and mixed. To cage people into categories of gay and straight and expect them to stay that way forever doesn’t express human sexual behavior justly. You may like strawberry ice-cream most days, but every now and then, its fun to taste a little rocky road- or watch someone else taste it on a big HD TV screen with surround sound.
  • Allowing your sperm donor to enter your social circle is messy and generally a bad idea- if you want to keep your marriage intact, don’t let him anywhere near your kids or your pretty wife.
  • Marriage is difficult. Managing a household with other human beings brings struggles even when you have love, cash, and straight-A kids.
  • Men, especially rugged, careless ones with a strong will to procreate, are not to be trusted. They will steal your woman and jeopardize the safety of your children.
  • You don’t always know what you’re getting. Just because Donor Dad said he was studying International Relations on that fill-in-the-blank questionnaire he submitted when he was 19, doesn’t mean he’s much of a brainiac. He may in fact, turn out to be a food-service slacker with no motivation to participate in team sports.
  • Your children will not grow up to be younger carbon copies of you nor your sperm donor.
  • If you’re a child of sperm donation, you have a choice. You can either seek out your biological father and try to cultivate a relationship with him, or you can maintain loyalty to the parent(s) that raised you. You can not do both simultaneously. Children must pick which parent to let in and love wholly because your social parent most likely will be significantly threatened by the involvement of your biological father.

Disappointments:

I craved further development of the kids’ characters. They brushed on what I felt were central developmental struggles for fatherless kids. Laser’s friend Clay was an example of masculinity run amok: an exceptionally immature, insensitive exhibitionist who got his jollies from skateboarding off roof-tops and urinating on the faces of feral dogs. I wish the point was made clearer that boys with no consistent usher into Manhood, will often separate from their mothers and shape their expression of masculinity in (self) destructive ways.

Joni, the daughter, is obviously having issues with sexuality. She is straight. She wants to go after a male acquaintance of hers, but has no idea how to. This concept was so shallowly touched upon, I have no real idea what the writers’ thoughts are on this subject- though I appreciate their acknowledging it at all. Which brings me to my favorite words from David Blankenhorn’s book, Fatherless America, a.k.a., Alana’s favorite book ever:

Pages 46-47

A father plays a distinctive role in shaping a daughter’s sexual style and her understanding of the male-female bond. A father’s love and involvement builds a daughter’s confidence in her own femininity and contributes to her sense that she is worth loving… Deprived of a stable relationship with a non-exploitative adult male who loves them, these girls can remain developmentally “stuck,” struggling with issues of security and trust that well-fathered girls have already successfully resolved.

He quotes Judith Musick:

The self’s voice in these young women may remain fixed on one basic set of questions… What do I need to do, and who do I need to be, to find a man who won’t abandon me, as the men in my life and my mother’s life have done? …Girls for whom basic acceptance and love are the primary motivating forces have little interest or emotional energy to invest in school or work-related activities unless they are exceptionally bright and talented. Even then, the pull of unmet affiliative or dependency needs may be more powerful than anything the worlds of school or work have to offer.

I plenty understand the limits of a screenplay. A writer only has 100 pages to say what they want to say. Every creator has to work within limitations and I appreciate the perspective of the mothers in this movie- important truths were told. I look forward to more art and media from a child’s perspective, focusing on development and growth, via their point-of-view.

There was only one point in the movie where I cried- Mark Ruffalo, bio-dad, fastens a helmet onto Joni’s head right before he takes her on a sunset ride through the LA basin on his motorcycle. He secures it onto her in a completely sweet moment of father-daughter gentleness and they smile at each other. For some reason the tears just started rolling. I was so envious of Joni in that moment, and not just because I love motorcycles. She was being invited and ushered into an epically joyful piece of masculine culture- and there was absolutely no sexual tension, no quid pro quo. She didn’t have to lead him on or sleep with him to bask in the joys of his masculine universe. That is what it means to be loved by your father.

On the affair:

I don’t feel prepared to assert any significant insights into the complicated entanglements of Jules and Paul’s affair and the great blur of sexuality and procreation. But I will say… the magnetic charge of a man is likely to increase if you make children with him. I found myself wishing desperately that Jules would break up with Nic to be with Paul. Oh how lucky Laser would be for the two people that made him to fall in love and get together. Of course, such a move would dismantle the entire micro-utopia Jules and Nic worked for so many years to create. So for person A and B to win, that means person C, D, and (B?) will have to lose. Someone always gets left out. And fathers just make things messy anyways.

Oy-vey.


Upping the Odds: Bristol, Levi and the Hazards of Young Marriage

June Carbone 07.15.2010 12:34 PM

The headlines are abuzz, “Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson engaged, again!” Most of us, of course, wish them well, and this time they might make it work. As Naomi Cahn and I explained, however, in Red Families v. Blue Families, we are skeptical that marriage by itself is the answer that magically makes things better. In the modern era, the question of whether they will marry may be less important than whether they will stay married – and what being married does for their preparation for adulthood. So what exactly are Bristol and Levi’s prospects and what can they – and other young couples with less prominent parents – do to make them better?
     Let’s start with age. Read More


Family Reunion

Alana S. 07.04.2010 9:30 AM

I’m in Lake of the Ozarks- retreating to bed after a long day with my matrilineal kin. The contrast between here and my home in Brooklyn is vivid. In this modest section of central Missouri you’ll find a lot of churches, a lot of cattle, and a lot of rusty old barns. Here, adult super-store billboards memetically compete with bible passages for interstate highway ad space and if you don’t go to church, chances are you’re a meth addict. Successful men here either start their own farming business, or climb the ranks of the military. Beauty is an adjective confined to children, for by age 12 most people have ballooned into obesity or failed to meet even substandard grooming expectations. For anyone without family ties to this area, it would seem like a bleak hell-hole: a web of dysfunctional systems unintelligibly constructed by a sparse community of well-meaning, but incompetent country folk. This is where my mom grew up. These are the people I call family.

At our reunion, my mom, step-dad, brother and I are the only ones who live outside the region. Entering adulthood, my mother chose to escape to paradise after paradise, Read More


Mona Charen on ‘The Meaning of Orszag’

Elizabeth Marquardt 06.28.2010 11:45 PM

I’m not with Charen on the snarky intro grafs re: health reform, but her take on the Orszag saga is a good one:

Peter Orszag was hardly the first prominent Washingtonian to lead a complicated personal life — but he may have been the first to achieve celebrity because of it. In January, Orszag made the gossip columns twice. His first accomplishment: The divorced father of two had just become a father again with ex-girlfriend Claire Milonas. Just weeks later, the father of three announced his engagement to ABC News correspondent Bianna Golodryga.

The Washington Post gossip column gushed: “Peter Orszag! What is it about that guy, and how did he become the Tom Brady of D.C.? . . . The romantic drama heightens the mystique surrounding President Obama’s youngest Cabinet-level appointee, who, in a city full of wonks, enjoyed a brief unlikely reign as Washington’s most eligible bachelor before his engagement. Something about those Harold Ramis-in-‘Ghostbusters’ looks, on a 6-2 marathoner’s frame, inspired Internet fan pages like Orszagasm.com. ‘He made nerdy sexy,’ Rahm Emanuel told the New York Times last year. Read More