Archives: Dating, Mating, Hooking Up

Allen and “Essentially Different”

01.05.2012 9:00 AM

Recently, Karen posted a link to an interview with Douglas Allen that she found interesting. Allen, according to his article’s bio, is an “expert on the economics of social institutions.”

Like Karen, I also found the interview, examining the “economics of same-sex marriage,” interesting. I like the idea of measuring (or trying to measure) the effect of a social policy in terms of its costs and benefits. The devil, of course, is always in the details, however.

It is not an easy task to, for instance, measure the cost (if any) to existing married couples of allowing same-sex couples into the institution of marriage. And, in the interview, Allen does not clearly or adequately articulate his quantitative (or qualitative) methodology in a manner that I find convincing.

In fairness, that’s probably because the piece is in the form of an interview, rather than an article, an academic work, or even a blog post. What I found problematic, even given the medium, is that Allen made several contentious claims about “how heterosexual, gay and lesbian [*sic] relationships are essentially different,” and he did so without adequate supporting evidence.

“Essentially.” That word has a specific meaning and, unfortunately, Allen and his interviewer were using it erroneously. To say that a group has an essential characteristic is to say that that characteristic is a necessary, indispensable characteristic, upon which a person’s definition as being a part of that group depends. An essential characteristic is a characteristic that is, by definition, shared by all members of the group.

Thus, to say that heterosexual, gay, and lesbian relationships are “essentially different” is to say that all heterosexual relationships share essential characteristics that they do not, indeed cannot by definition, share with “gay or lesbian [*sic]” relationships. Likewise it is to say that “gay and lesbian [*sic]” relationships share essential characteristics (and differences) that they do not share with heterosexual relationships.

(*Note: Notice how Allen and the interviewer refer to same-sex relationships as “gay and lesbian relationships.” Aren’t bisexual and queer-identified people sometimes in “gay and lesbian” relationships too? Does sexual orientation matter? Do people “care” whether a person is gay or lesbian? Read on to find out!)

From there, answering the question as to how heterosexual and “gay and lesbian” couples are “essentially different,” Allen goes on to attach further importance and distinction to the gay and lesbian identity. Apparently, gays and lesbians are essentially different from heterosexuals (in ways other than who they are sexually attracted to). He claims:

“For both gay men and lesbians, they are more likely to have multiple sex partners, both as singles and couples.”

Right off, you notice that Allen says gay men and lesbians are “more likely” to do something, implying that all gay men and lesbians are more likely to do this thing. And well, that’s an incredibly difficult claim to prove, but I’d love to see him try! Seriously though, I suspect that what he’s done is categorize an average difference as an “essential” difference.

Relatedly, you notice that this claim isn’t cited. In fact, none of his claims are cited. Within the interview, Allen generally refers to two papers he wrote (and which are fully cited at the end of the interview), but these are law journal articles, not works of original research directly supporting his contentions on relationship differences.

It would be appropriate here to note that the thing about law journals is that they’re edited and staffed by law students. That’s not a statement against those who publish in law journals, who often are legit academic types. It’s just that errors and misrepresentations are going to happen when the primary cite checkers are students with only 1-2 years of law school experience, no experience as practicing attorneys, and who are often doing this work on top of a full load of coursework and internships/jobs.

So, when I looked up his law journal articles, I wasn’t surprised to find that the evidence “supporting” his above claim was a pretty egregious misrepresentation of a study. In “Who Should Be Allowed Into the Marriage Franchise,” published in the Drake Law Review, he claims:

“A number of studies have found gay couples to have explicit open-marriage agreements in about fifty percent of unions.”

Gay male couples only, or male and female same-sex relationships?

It’s important to be specific when using the word “gay,” because the word is not consistently used. I regularly see it used as “gay male,” “gay and bisexual male,” “gay and lesbian,” “gay, lesbian, and bisexual,” and even sometimes “LGBT.” If one is making claims about “gay couples,” especially when discussing how these couples are different from other couples, it is impossible to write clearly and accurately if one doesn’t understand that these varying usages create ambiguity.

Also, despite Allen’s use of the plural “a number of studies,” he cites only one study:

“Colleen C. Hoff et al., Serostatus Differences and Agreements About Sex with Outside Partners Among Gay Male Couples, 21 AIDS EDUC. & PREVENTION 25, 32 (2009)”

This study is a study of 191 gay male couples in the San Francisco Bay Area who were recruited specifically to provide a mix of HIV statuses. From this study, Allen then concludes that “this type of behavior contrasts significantly with heterosexual relationships in which open marriages are extremely rare.”

Well, maybe. But I think a big question is whether the monogamy practices of 191 gay male couples of varying HIV serostatuses in San Francisco are representative of the practices of all same-sex couples in the United States. And let’s not pretend that non-monogamy is an “essential” difference between heterosexual and “gay and lesbian” couples.

My more general point here is that Allen’s interview, in particular, is unlikely to be convincing to those who don’t already agree with him about things. When people make provocative and controversial statements that are inaccurate, and do so in a flippant, unsupported manner, it is especially frustrating. It takes time and effort to cite check and then counter misrepresentations in a reasoned manner.

As family scholars, isn’t one of our primary interests accuracy, even if it’s not always politically correct to recognize that interest?


Shame

01.02.2012 1:22 PM

Last week for date night my husband and I (rather inexplicably) decided to see Shame, a new movie telling the story of a man drowning in sex addiction. (When we arrived at our neighborhood theater and there were handwritten signs on the door saying that no one under 17 would be admitted to this movie, I wondered what I was getting into.)

I’ve watched a fair share of racy movies in my time, so most of what I saw didn’t surprise me, although I couldn’t help but be affected by the darkness of the film.

But what did surprise me was the moral tone of the movie. Brandon, the main character, masturbates, watches online porn, visits prostitutes, and has sex with random women he meets in bars. (Notably, when he has the opportunity to be intimate with an actual woman he has known for a while, who is kind and sexy and sweet, he can’t perform.) In our mainstream pornified culture today none of these activities are considered wrong or shameful. Yet the movie depicts Brandon sinking miserably, deeper and deeper, into this world, longing to get out — at one point he empties his minimalist apartment of every bit of porn and throws all of it, and his laptop, out in black plastic garbage bags on the street — yet seemingly unable to flee it or get help. In a poignant scene after an all-night bender and a tragic event that I’ll leave unnamed, in case you want to see the movie, this handsome man collapses, bloodied, in a parking lot in the rain, alone and awash in self-loathing.

But if random, emotion-free sexual encounters among consenting adults and a steady diet of pornographic images flowing from every screen, any time, are supposed to be okay, why the shame?

How quaint.


No Sweethearts in Sweden, No Misery In Missouri

11.26.2011 12:12 AM

About 5 years ago I started to think about moving out of Sweden. The main reason, I told myself and others, was the climate. I have a really hard time coping with the darkness and cold that lingers over the country for at least 6 months of every year. Finally one day I decided to walk the talk so I quit my job, sold my apartment and all of my stuff so I could travel the world and find a new home. Now, about one and a half years later I understand what I was really looking for and why. It wasn’t the sun I was craving that much- it was the opportunity to build a strong family.

When you travel as a Swede you meet a lot of people explaining how impressed they are with our welfare system and our generous family policies in particular. Of course, I can understand why that is. In Sweden all parents get 480 days of paid leave per child during which time they get to keep about 80 percent of their salary and when your child gets sick, you have 60 days per year to be at home taking care of him/her – with a big portion of your salary. You get allowances every month from the government to offset the cost of everyday costs of raising him/her. Families with children are eligible to receive a housing allowance. There are large tax subsidies for daycare and college education is almost entirely tax funded – just to mention some of our offerings. May I add that people are pretty good at pointing out how beautiful Swedish women are too.

So with all of these good looking women and great incentives to start a family, why in the world would I leave Stockholm to try to start a new life and build a family somewhere else? In this case, following the money won’t lead you to the truth – you find insights when you examine Sweden’s cultural views. First of all, women wait a long time to have children. Traveling, making money, building a career, and buying a house are all first priorities. The average age for women having their first child is over 32 years in my old neighborhood. And last year in Stockholm, more women in the age group 39-42 had a child than in the age group 23-26.

Secondly, as this survey shows, marriage is not seen as an important institution. Swedish adults believe divorce is almost always justifiable. And in stark contrast to nearly every country examined for this question, Swedes do not agree that children need a mother and father to grow up happily. Other research also shows that the majority of those who file for divorce are women, and that in custody cases that end up in court, the woman basically always wins.

Let me sum this up for you.

In Sweden women want to wait to have kids way up into their 30s, do not view marriage as important, do not view fathers as especially important, and the reasons for breaking up can almost always be justified. So guys, be prepared to see your children every other weekend. This is an inconvenient truth that is rarely or ever discussed in Sweden. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not interested in victimizing men, but I do think that we lost something important in our struggle for gender equality: gender cooperation.

Sweden is ranked as one of the world leaders in gender equality, but over the last decades we’ve seen a decline in marriage, more divorces and a steady growth in one-parent families. My dream as I grew up was to find a woman for whom it would be as natural to strive for a healthy, life long marriage and a strong family as for other personal achievements. A woman who doesn’t see men as a patriarchal threat to her independence and freedom, but rather a vital asset in her quest for these things. I’ve needed someone who believes that mutual commitment and trust are powerful tools to reach greatness both professionally as well as in private life.

I am proud to say that today, in Swedeborg, Missouri, I will walk down the aisle with a woman who shares this dream with me. And you guessed right, she’s not Swedish. She’s American, she’s 25 years old and in April next year we’re having our first child. It’s true that I will miss out on some great financial perks by not building a family in Sweden, but ironically enough, perhaps that’s the price you have to pay for building a family.


In Today’s Society…More Teenagers Are Delaying Sex

11.02.2011 3:18 PM

People who make the case for chastity are frequently greeted with an assertion that goes something like this: ”In today’s society, it’s unrealistic to expect young people to not have sex. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle.”

But an October report by the Centers for Disease Control shows that that assertion is wrong.

From 1988 to 2006-2010, the percentage of never-married males aged 15-19 who have ever had sexual intercourse dropped from 60 percent to 42 percent.

For never-married females aged 15-19, it dropped from 51 percent to 43 percent.

From 2006-2010, of teenagers whose mother has some college or higher, 37 percent of males and 40 percent of females have ever had sexual intercourse.

Of teenagers who live with both biological or adoptive parents, 35 percent of males and 35 percent of females have ever had sexual intercourse.

The latest CDC data remind me of  a 2010 study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. It found that 87 percent of teenagers agree that “it is important for teens to be given a strong message that they should not have sex until they are at least out of high school.” Yes, you read that right: that’s teens who are saying that their cultural elders need to give them a strong message about waiting to have sex.

In other words, if one opposes chastity, he cannot oppose it in the name of “in today’s society, that’s impossible.” Because the data show that in today’s society more teenagers are waiting to have sex.


‘In their own way, these girls may be doing the best they can’

10.30.2011 10:21 PM

Below I posted an excerpt from a BioNews story about women as young as 18 looking for sperm donors. There are some very thoughtful comments; be sure to look at all of them.

In the meantime, I wanted to highlight this comment from a commenter who signed in as “Hello.” Even if you don’t agree with what she/he has to say (I suspect it is she, so I’m going to use the feminine), it strikes me that she has her finger on something. Something big, having to do with gender distrust and mother-daughter relationships and aging societies and much, much else in this strange 2011 world in which we find ourselves:

Many a girl and young woman are coming of age and spending their lives in dysfunctional neighborhoods and regions where marriage-worthy men are few and far between.  Many, if not most, of these guys are chronically unemployed, addicted, in prison etc. Even if they want to marry these girls see their chances as slim, and if they wait until marriage for motherhood they’ll probably never have children.  18 may seem young, but these girls’ mothers, aunts, and grandmas are not so young.  And since they’re the ones these girls will rely on for childcare and support they’re better off having kids before Mom and Co. start breaking down in their 50s and 60s due to smoking, unhealthy diet, sedentary lifestyle etc.  Having a kid at 18 won’t hinder a girl’s career prospects if (pre-baby) she finds high school too difficult get a diploma.  If she don’t have a career that gives her life meaning and purpose kids are the only thing she can produce that will give her life meaning.  And if she can’t rely on a husband for love and companionship her kids will be even more important to her because they’ll be her only family after the older generation passes.  So, in their own way, these girls may be doing the best they can.


‘Women as young as 18 searching for sperm donors online’

10.29.2011 10:11 PM

From BioNews:

‘I’m ready in every way possible to be a mum. The only problem is you need a male and female to make a baby and I only have the female part’, read an appeal by a 21-year old on an online forum.

These forums, such as babydonor.com, bring together prospective parents and potential sperm donors, and women under 25 account for up to a quarter of their advertisers.

A 20-year old care worker from Moray, who found a willing donor via online advertising, says of her experience: ‘He [the donor] has donated several times before and has stayed in contact with those families. I don’t want to just meet men in bars and sleep with them, I’m not that kind of girl.


Worse Things Have Happened

10.06.2011 11:41 PM

I suppose now is the time to announce to the world…

I’m expecting. A child that is- and best news is, I know who the father is!

The second best news is I didn’t even have to pay him.

We’re very proud of our child’s conception story, though I won’t go into detail about it here. We brought forth new life naturally, with a lot of love and respect. I am already jealous of our child’s life. Even if the kid grows up to hate me and thinks of me as a horrible mother, I know I did one thing right.

But I see why many women delay pregnancy until it’s too late or very difficult. The career crowd isn’t much impressed by your happy news all the time.

We told my family. We told his family. We told my friends. Now we’re starting to tell his friends. We’re entering the second trimester and it’s just now starting to get more real. But there was one person I just couldn’t bring myself to tell until yesterday- my music manager.

When my fiancé and I first became engaged, I was so happy. Everything about the way he did it was special and beautiful and really confirmed what a great guy he is. When I told my manager, the first thing she said to me was, “we can’t tell anyone about this.” Not only people in the music industry, but also my fans.

The second thing she said was, “Don’t get pregnant.”

Whoops… When I told her about the pregnancy, she approached it gently and as politely as she could, but her true feelings showed through when she said, “We’ll deal with it… Worse things have happened.”

Worse things?!

Worse things?!!!

I get pregnant on the first try, without spending thousands of dollars on dangerous fertility drugs- with my enthusiastic, capable, and loving fiancé, as a healthy young woman with a stable middle-class financial situation and I’m told: worse things have happened?!

Society is crazy I’ve decided. She told me that music industry people will be nervous as to your decision to start a family and may think that you aren’t taking your career seriously.

I went into music because I thought it would be a great avenue for being a great mom. You get to pick your hours, make royalties, and can spend a lot of time at home (especially if you have a home recording studio). This choice of mine was affirmed this summer when I met Swedish music royalty Jenny Wilson. She told me, “Being a mother and musician is ideal! You can pick your hours! My only advice is make sure you pick out a great Dad.”

Thanks Jenny! Done. Snagged him.

Is it true that big career success is probably easier for the childless? Sure. I can’t imagine Lady Gaga getting away with what she does if she had little kids. Then again Madonna has a few.

The truth is, I’ve  been hearing stories of how painful childlessness is since I was 5 years old. It started with my mom and her battle to conceive, then when I sold my eggs I got a fresh earful of stories of woe- women who used birth control for years and waited for just the right moment and just the right man and just after they got the promotion they wanted… And now as I operate The Anonymous Us Project, the words are always different but the point is always the same:

Having a child is one of the most important things I will ever do with my life.

Unfortunately for most people, it took them up until too long to figure that out. I have the benefit of many people’s stories and wisdom. And now that a new soul has chosen me as its mother, I’m not going to abort that opportunity just because it makes a few people in the music industry nervous.


No Wedding No Womb Launches “Map Your Future Campaign”

09.06.2011 11:47 PM

The “Map Your Future” campaign has two goals: to match at-risk youth with mentors on an online platform, so that no matter where in the world the participants live, the remote mentorship model will allow participants to communicate via the web through video chat, email, and instant messaging. We will select 20 high school and first-year college students to be matched with 100 mentors in the fields in which they want to pursue, but also have the mentors act as  surrogate elders, giving advice about how to navigate the social pressures they face. The second goal is to provide $1,000 grants to each child to help with educational costs like books, meals, tuition and supplies.

But we can’t do this without your generousity. Twenty students getting $1,000 = $20,000 total funds needed to kick start this program. And since this is a unique social media platform, we need software designers to build the code from the ground up, which will cost thousands.

We need your help! If you’d like to donate, click here. Any little bit helps, and no donation is too small.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.


The Boyfriend Trend

08.31.2011 12:12 PM

Women of a certain age will have noticed in recent years items marketed to us as the boyfriend jean or the boyfriend blazer. These somewhat slouchier items are meant to suggest, I suppose, that you, the cute girlfriend, are curling up in your boyfriend’s cosy basics (even if you are not actually borrowing his clothes but rather buying items named after him).

Yesterday in the Garnet Hill catalog I saw something new to me: “boyfriend” items for the home. The print catalog copy reads:

This one’s a keeper. His favorite t-shirts as sheets. His favorite dress shirts as a quilt. The boyfriend trend hits home.

For the young and mid-life women Garnet Hill is trying to reach, which is cooler? Living with a husband, or living with (or suggesting you live with) a boyfriend?

Norming cohabitation, are we?


Can Beyonce and Jay-Z Make Marriage Cool?

08.30.2011 12:41 PM

Yesterday the blogosphere was a-buzzing about the news that the power couple, Beyonce Knowles and Jay-Z are expecting their first child.  The first thing that struck me was, “Wow! A black couple in the spotlight that dated, married, and THEN conceived a baby respectively!  How unusual!”  It’s sad that in fact, it is not the norm, but on the bright side, it makes for delicious celebrity news.  And since celebrities have just as much sway these days as the president, perhaps the actions of this couple will give some fans inspiration to maybe, perhaps, and hopefully, follow in their footsteps.

Justin Dior Combs, son of hip hop mogul, Shaun “Puffy” Combs, tweeted yesterday:

The message was re-tweeted over 100 times.  To have a prominent young person–a member of hip hop royalty by birth–be nervy enough to distribute this message to over 200,000 followers is earth shaking.   Especially when this kid is the son of a man with multiple baby mommas.

Perhaps there’s hope after all.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.


‘Going for a Beer’

08.09.2011 11:51 AM

Sitting on the beach last week reading old New Yorkers I found this 1,000 word short story by author Robert Coover which amply and poignantly illustrates themes discussed on this blog, including love and marriage in middle America; aging, death and dying in an era of high family fragmentation; the consequences of the hook up culture, and more.

But mainly, it’s just a really good short story.


Slut Walks

08.03.2011 3:59 PM

Vacationing with my husband’s family at the south Jersey Shore I see in the Philadelphia Inquirer that this Saturday young women will be trooping through that fair city in a “Slut Walk,” joining their sisters in Toronto, Delhi, and U.S. cities who have paraded through their downtowns in whatever they choose to wear — “slutty” gear or not — ever since a Toronto police officer made the dumb move of telling a group of female students that if women wish to avoid sexual assault they should not dress in a slutty manner.

The older I get, the more I revel in the creative anger and energy of twenty-somethings confronted by injustice. When I was a college student an editorialist at our student newspaper, following a sexual assault on campus, instructed women what situations they should avoid in order to stay safe. I fired off a letter to the school paper asking why we do not instead ask why some men rape women. How much were I and my friends to constrict our freedom while our fellow male students roamed free and a few of them did terrible things? Kudos to the slut walkers of today, even if they choose to embrace a term that makes me unable to tell my eight year old daughter much about this interesting march we might glimpse while touring Colonial America sights in Philly this Saturday.

Meanwhile, the same article featured a brief interview with noted evolutionary psychologist David Buss:

David Buss, a professor at the University of Texas and author of Evolution of Desire and other books about human relationships, said he and other researchers found that women are more likely than men to call women “sluts” and other derogatory names. There are also about 35 words used to describe women who have many sexual partners, and most of them are negative, compared to only a few for men.

Researchers also have found that only a “a small subset of men commit the majority of rapes,” Buss said. “These are men who are high in psychopathy, low in empathy, high in short-term mating strategies.”


“Savage Love” is “Stupid”

07.11.2011 11:01 AM

Dan Savage, Judith Stacey, and other contemporary apologists for open marriage are obviously smart people. But in a piece in today’s Washington Post, I argue that their advocacy for open marriage is “stupid.” Here’s why:

1. Even today, sex often results in pregnancy.

2. Monogamous, married sex is more likely to deliver long-lasting satisfaction than the quick thrill offered by infidelity.

3. People often do not realize what they are really consenting to when it comes to open marriage.

4. Swinging increases your risk of acquiring a sexually-transmitted disease (STD).

5. Open marriages put children at risk.

On the last point, we do not really know much about how open infidelity affects children. What we do know, from the recent federal report on child abuse, is that kids are much more likely to be abused if they are exposed to a revolving carousel of romantic partners in the household. But my question is more fundamental: How does mom or dad’s open infidelity distort a child’s views of sex, love, and marriage, and influence their future adult behavior? I can only imagine. But, perhaps the Kennedy clan’s sad experiences with infidelity gives us some sense of how all this plays out across the generations.

I also find it strange that smart people like Savage and Stacey are harkening back to one of the darkest chapters in our nation’s recent family history, especially since the National Marriage Project finds that support for infidelity has fallen since the 1970s.

For all these reasons, let’s keep the “book on open marriage” closed.


Making Love and Babies (Without Rushing Marriage)

07.11.2011 9:49 AM

Daniels, Kentucky—the town that Erica recently moved to—reminds me of her hometown, Maytown, Ohio. When you first pull off the highway, there’s a McDonald’s and a gas station, and a pizza and sub joint, but as you get further into the town, most of the buildings seems to be auto shops or churches. A railroad winds around town and Erica tells me that she loves hearing the trains go by. It’s different than hearing the subway clank or the Amtrak shake—a locomotive has a full-bodied, time-stilling kind of sound. And then there’s the Whippy Dip, housed in a historic-looking white house, a banner advertising 24 different flavors of soft serve hanging across the porch. Beside the Whippy Dip is the park where I wait to meet Erica.

A dust brown Chevy pick-up pulls up, engine roaring. Troy, Erica’s live-in boyfriend, has a cigarette sticking out of his mouth as he drives. He’s an attractive twenty-something, with dark sunglasses and blonde scruff on his chin and muscled arms protruding from a ripped-sleeves t-shirt. Frankie, Troy’s two year old son, is sandwiched in between the couple, clinging to two Woody the cowboy dolls that Erica tells me he takes everywhere, even the bathtub.

Erica, 24, greets me exuberantly, talking almost nonstop from the moment we first meet. She’s short—I’d guess less than five feet—and reminds me of Piglet. She has a pink pixie nose and squinty grey eyes. Today she’s wearing bootcut jeans that fall over top a pair of cowboy boots and a navy blue tee with a white imprint of a guitar. Despite her petite frame, Erica is a mother of two. She’s also in the process of getting a criminal justice degree through an online university and in the process of getting a divorce from her “baby daddy” who lives back in Ohio.

As we talk, Troy and Frankie play on the swing set nearby until their faces are red with heat. They drive off (engine gyrating while Erica rolls her eyes and says “show-off”) and return with a bottle of Big Red. The boys play for a little longer before returning to the pick-up where they scare us with some leftover Fourth of July firecrackers before Erica goes and scolds them. And then, they’re off to the bait and tackle shop and then to a friend’s boat dock. “I take care of two boys, I swear,” she laughs afterwards.

Erica’s story is becoming a common one to me: she got pregnant with her high school sweetheart shortly after graduation, married him at 21, had another baby, separated from him four months later, and is now living with Troy, who works at a tire factory and has joint custody of the son he had with his ex-girlfriend of four years. In Erica’s circle, raising kids in a revolving door of relationships is normal, but Erica is adamant that it’s not ideal. And given the instability of relationships, moms and dads try to proceed with caution. After eight months of dating, Erica just introduced her kids to Troy last weekend. (Erica’s children are currently living with their great-grandparents until she feels she has a more stable situation. These are the same grandparents that raised Erica after her parents divorced and her mom started partying too hard.) And, she always tells potential partners that she is “a package deal.” Like so many other single mothers, her mantra is, understandably, “If you’re gonna be my lover, you gotta love my kids.” Read More


Are Attitudes Beginning to Change?

05.29.2011 11:58 PM

Last week I had the pleasure of learning about Jayvon Muhammad, a midwife in South Carolina, working on her own campaign against the alarming normalcy of out-of-wedlock births in the black community.  (Right now that statistic hovers around 70-73%, with some impoverished neighborhoods soaring to 90% and up.)  Jezebel picked up the story, and then Clutch, a widely-read online magazine for African American women, followed.

Of course both magazines were critical of Muhammad’s work, as per the usual order of the day.  Clutch writer Leslie Pitterson said:

Lost in this rhetoric is the assumption that all black women need or are ultimately seeking out to play the “feminine role.” While it is no doubt the tradition route, to assume that marriage is for every sister does not take into account that we don’t all share the same needs and desires.

I could go on a tirade about how the author is once again regurgitating the same rhetoric to justify the unjustifiable.  Let her tell it, 73% of black women just don’t think marriage is “for” them.  I seriously doubt that most of us would rather struggle alone and in poverty with little to no help or involvement from our children’s fathers.  That is a cruel lie.

But what was different, and what gave me pause and encouragement,were the comments from 122 women who weighed in on Urban Midwifery.  From the sounds of it, attitudes about normalizing the abnormal may be starting to change.

One reader said this:

I applaud this sister for taking a stand on an issue that has been plaguing the black/Latino communities for almost 30 years. Regardless of whether you believe marriage is for you, you have to be blind not to see how damaging the baby mama epidemic is to the success of our culture.

…and frank talk I can appreciate from another:

Black women are the only ones who settle for crumbs or settle for having several kids – not just one – without expecting the man to marry her.

Overwhelmingly, Mohammad’s work was supported quite plain.  It looks like people are feeling more free to say “the sky is blue,” and that’s a very, very good thing.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.

 


Should Prince William Wear a Wedding Band?

04.28.2011 4:21 PM

Okay, I have fought feeding into the Royal Wedding frenzy but a recent article I was reading mentioned that Prince William would NOT be wearing a wedding band, and it made me think…

“Huh,” I thought, “That seems odd.”

Am I right, though? Is it odd? 

I started digging Internet style and found a 2003 article by Vicki Howard that traces both the history and gender theory implications of the tradition of the “double ring” ceremony.

Little did I know that the male wedding band “tradition” did not begin until after World War II!  Prior to that time, only the lady received a ring, fancy or otherwise. But then in the 1940′s, due to competition from department stores, jewelry stores began marketing wedding bands as a speciality for men both as a romatic symbol of domesticity as well as a masculine symbol of commitment to family and country.  Howard shares how the spiritual meaning of the rings and incorporation into the marriage rite merely followed the fad. 

Ad campaigns highlighted valiant knights riding into a violent sunset with the wedding ring the only keepsake from the lovelorn maiden they leave behind or in abstract displays of masculine medals of iron and metal resting on phallic fingers.  How could we resist?  The tradition soon took off.  Even Humphrey Bogart chose to wear his first wedding band when he married for the fifth and final time to Lauren Bacall in 1946. 

“Unlike the woman’s ring, the groom’s wedding band expressed his ability to support a wife, to enter the adult world, to commitment and the containment of sexuality.”

Does the male wedding band play the same role in 2011?  Is it a symbol of financial solvency, adulthood, committment, and monogamy?  What about a spiritual meaning?

In the Christian marriage rite we bless the rings saying that just as a ring has no beginning nor end, God’s love for us is eternal and inspires the love we have for one another.  As the bride and groom place the ring upon each other’s fingers, words of promise are said stating that this ring is a public sign of love and faithfulness. 

What other public sign of love, faithfulness, and commitment do we have?  I am no longer on the dating scene, but when I was, you always looked to see if the guy had a ring on his finger.  A married man without a ring was perceived as a player.  In this age of wide-spread divorce, how do single people determine eligible dating partners without a public symbol of unavailability?

I guess Prince William doesn’t need a public symbol of marriage.  Everyone will know he is married. Or will they?  In this day and age, is a male not wearing a ring a power play?


Advice from… Dan Savage?

04.20.2011 5:29 PM

Dan Savage, the brilliant and foul-mouthed sex columnist, has become one of the most important ethicists in America. Are we screwed?

He’s not brilliant, for one thing. I started reading the guy twenty years ago in The Stranger when I was just another twenty year old kid living in a rooming house in Seattle looking for a good time.

I find his column about as “brilliant” and enlightening as Randy Cohen’s “Ethicist” column in the NYT Magazine. Ie, not.

Give me Carolyn Hax any day.


He’s just not that into you…

04.16.2011 10:32 PM

Entering the women’s restroom on campus at University of Chicago yesterday I catch this bit of conversation between two apparent students:

First: So I lost him. I lost him as a friend.

Second, cheerily: You can still be friends. Just pretend that nothing happened.

First, as they’re walking out the door: He doesn’t want to talk to me.

Me thinks I heard discussion of a hook up.


‘The Mating/Marriage Dance: Is the Prolonged Search for a Mate a Problem for American Society?’

04.14.2011 5:35 PM

For those in the NYC area, come next week, on Thursday, April 21, to our Center for Public Conversation event. FamilyScholars blogger Amber Lapp will interview Kay Hymowitz, author Manning Up, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, author of Why There are No Good Men Left. It promises to be a terrific event! RSVP here.


Courting and Choosing a Spouse in the Age of Google

03.29.2011 3:43 PM

Check out David Lapp’s article on Boundless Webzine,  “What If She’s Not the Right One?”.

David applies Barry Schwartz’s paradox of choice to the dizzying array of potential partners young adults can choose from in the age of globalization and the internet. He also discusses how marriage introduces us to a new paradox–the paradox of gift.