Archives: Childbearing

Co-Parent Court?

05.07.2012 4:09 PM

From Hennepin County, Minnesota:

Unlike divorce cases, where the couple may have known each other a long time and have a shared history, never-married parents who show up in Peterson’s courtroom may not know each other well. And they now have an 18-year shared endeavor: raising a child…

In 2010, Judge [Bruce] Peterson and a team of partners created the Co-Parent Court using federal, county and foundation money. Similar to drug courts and DWI courts created in the 1990s to address recurring problems in the criminal justice system, Co-Parent Court is the county’s first problem-solving court in the family court arena. more


Churches’ ‘sensitivity to singles’ needs grows’

04.30.2012 11:35 AM

A Louisville Courier-Journal article reported by Peter Smith is making the syndication rounds in other local newspapers such as Jackson and Indianapolis. It’s about how evangelical churches are doing a better job, in the reporter’s view, of accepting unmarried persons. It quotes one Baptist pastor saying about half his congregation includes:

“a lot of single parents, a lot of divorced parents, a lot of grandparents raising their kids,” said Schafer, pastor of Ridgewood Baptist Church. “The traditional family is not the norm.”

Unfortunately, the whole tone of the piece is very adult-centric. While it’s true that many evangelical churches have for some time been doing a good job, or at least a better job, of welcoming and ministering to single and divorced persons, one of their strengths — in contrast to mainline churches — has been their willingness to say divorce and out of wedlock childbearing is a problem. I believe that this “dual language,” as Don Browning called it, is one of the reasons evangelical churches have been growing even as mainline congregations have been declining. Grown children of divorce walk into an evangelical church and find a willingness to name the losses children of divorce feel, even as they see divorced and single parents welcomed. They feel comfortable there. In contrast, they walk into a mainline congregation preaching a family diversity gospel and find an unwillingness among church leaders to name or even discuss how children feel when they don’t grow up with their own mom and dad. The result: pain. And who wants to keep voluntarily showing up at a place that hurts?

For other writing I’ve done on this topic, visit this page and scroll down to “articles.”


WSJ: ‘Student Loans Drive Grads to Delay Marriage, Children’

04.23.2012 5:04 PM

Between the ages of 18 and 22, Jodi Romine took out $74,000 in student loans to help finance her business-management degree at Kent State University in Ohio. What seemed like a good investment will delay her career, her marriage and decision to have children. more


Ashley Judd Stands Up For Women

04.11.2012 9:00 AM

Ashley Judd, in the Daily Beast, notes:

“The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted….

That women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient. Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women.”

Say, what am I doing posting this piece at Family Scholars Blog (FSB) anyway?

Well, conversation about women’s bodies- pregnancy, bodily autonomy, gamete donation- are a part of the regular discourse at FSB. As we question and debate these issues and practices, how might they relate to some of these other narratives about women’s bodies and who gets to control them and how they get talked about? Read More


Best Interests of Children That Do Not Yet Exist

04.05.2012 3:34 AM

The below is actually the writing of Marilynn Huff, presented as a comment in Julie Shapiro’s blog. The question Shapiro offered was essentially, How can we do what is in the best interests of the child, when the child in question does not yet exist? And if that child is to be created via third-party reproduction, would it not be in the child’s best interest to exist rather than not exist?

Marilynn responds: 

I know which False Dilemma you’re using for this debate experiment – its False dilemma / False Choice (Hobson’s Choice) . The fallacy of the excluded middle, false dichotomy, false correlative, “either/or” fallacy and bifurcation involving a situation in which two alternative points of view are held to be the only options, when in reality there exists one or more other options which have not been considered. Hobson’s choice is “take it or leave it” take what is offered or get nothing.

So the Hobson’s choice you offer here is that abandonment by their biological fathers is essential to their existence. Had their biological fathers been required to support them the way people are made to support their children, those men never would have agreed to reproduce with our subject’s mothers and causing them never to be born lament their plight of genetic bewilderment. The false dilemma is that it seems we must allow some people to abandon their young in secret or millions of people will never have the chance to exist. Their fate rests on our shoulders unless we don’t think those people deserve to exist. Oh its so tricky!

The excluded middle of this false choice would be to focus our laws on how we treat individuals that are actually born. When those individuals are newly born someone has to be responsible for taking care of them or they’ll die. If a newborn is found in an alley starved and dead from exposure we would treat that neglect as a crime against the deceased infant. Who should the law hold accountable for that death? Who owed it to that child to try to keep him or her alive? Is the government the automatic parent of every person born who then picks and chooses parents based on the child’s best interests? That’s a pretty big burden for our government to take on. There would be an uproar if the government just randomly assigned people to care for infants they had nothing to do with creating. And while there are plenty of people who want to raise children they did not themselves create, there is not enough of them to handle the load if every newborn were unwanted. What would we do about the unwanted ones? Who should take care of them? What do they deserve? Who owes them the duty of providing physical and financial support if not the people who reproduced to create them then who? Another question is if people who have that responsibility should be able to sell their way out off the record before anyone knows its them that created the child.
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The alternative to underwriting the abandonment of millions of future people would be to offer them the dignity of equal treatment upon their arrival. We could, treat all human beings as people who, as minor offspring, are entitled to the financial and physical support of the people who reproduced to create them, who, in turn will be responsible for the physical and financial support of their own minor offspring. We could as an alternative to off the record promises to abandon require on the record consent to relinquish just like people do when they give up children for adoption. That solution would not stop people from generously donating their offspring to people who want to raise them, they just could not do it all yellow bellied and cowardly like.

If being held responsible for the results of their reproductive behavior will make some people choose not to reproduce and give up their offspring, then so be it. There are millions of reasons why a person may decide not to reproduce at any given moment and we certainly don’t mourn the non-death of all the individuals that never existed because of it.
We cannot be so foolish as to believe that expecting individuals to behave responsibly toward their offspring will cost billions of people their lives because it will prevent them from ever being conceived. I’m sorry its just the biggest load of hooey anyone ever heard. Everything would be just dandy if all men were held to the same standard of care with regard to the support of their young.

Single women giving birth to half spring [donor-conceived offspring] really illustrate where it is that donor offspring have fewer rights because there is nobody fronting and making it look like they’ve lost nothing. Half spring are entitled to the support of their mother who qualifies as a person so she owes the kid her support. But donor offspring don’t have the same rights as full blooded people, remember they are half donor half person. Donors don’t owe their offspring anything – so it really shows what’s lost when single women do it. These rights are still lost when the woman is not single, it just seems like not such a big deal because they get supported by someone else so its almost the same. Of course its not because it means the person has to assume the false identity of being that person’s child.
No its not in the best interest of any person to be treated as less than human and less deserving of rights afforded to all other people. Its horribly distasteful to suggest their lives are dependent upon having been abandoned by one of the people that created them. Of course that’s not true and what an awful thing to imply. If I could personally go and pluck those words out of the air before they reached the ears of every person that’s ever been humiliated by being told that I would in a heartbeat.


Why have children?

04.04.2012 9:39 PM

…is the title of one book among several reviewed by Elizabeth Kolbert in this week’s New Yorker, in a piece titled “The Case Against Kids.”

Why have children?

We have children because we love them before they even exist, so much so that after they are born we would die for them.

We have children because the life force responsible for all of us being here is far larger than our little piddly decisions. Despite abundant pain and loss in the world, that force keeps surging forth, in hope, the most visible manifestation of which is children.


Dear Prudence: Should A Man Leave His Infertile Partner?

03.30.2012 9:00 AM

The couple have been together for four years and are unmarried. They recently found out that she cannot have biological children. The man doesn’t know if he wants to adopt and is considering bolting. He writes:

“I know this sounds cold and callous, but the whole infertility issue is beginning to look like a deal breaker for me. Am I being a jerk?”

The advice given seems reasonable:

“If you do love her, you will take some time to absorb this news and slowly explore the consequences for both of you.”

What I found interesting was Prudence’s statement, here:

“If you were married, would you divorce her? If you would, there would be general agreement that you were quite the cad.”

Marriage, some tell us, is an institution that exists primarily for male-female couples to bear and raise their own biological children. Yet, here we have an advice columnist noting that the general consensus would be that a man who leaves his infertile wife is a cad- a man who behaves irresponsibly toward women!

Interesting, right?

Here we have a male-female couple incapable of fulfilling the alleged primary purpose of marriage- procreating and raising the resulting children together. In this regard, they are just like all same-sex couples. And yet, Prudence is opining that most people would consider this guy a jerk if they were married and he left his wife.

This narrative, I contend, both demonstrates how, contributes to the notions that:

(a) many people view marriage as primarily a mutually-supportive relationship between two people, rather than a vehicle for child-bearing/child-rearing, and that (b) including infertile man-woman couples while excluding same-sex couples from legal marriage is an illegitimate, illogical exclusion.


“There is a global migratory stream of care workers who perform tasks that used to fall to family members”

03.23.2012 2:21 PM

Says Hendrik Hartog, author of a new book written up at the New Old Age blog.


State of Wonder

03.16.2012 1:26 PM

“I had thought they would all stay here,” he said, standing the picture back in the bookshelf. “Maybe the girls would go away to school, but then they’d come back and live near us, get married, have children. I hadn’t given much thought to our dying back then but if you had asked me I would have said that Mary would outlast me by a good ten years at least. She was at the top of the actuarial tables. She ate her vegetables and went hiking and never smoked and had so many friends. I would have bet every dime I had on her.” He tapped his fingers against the top of the frame. “It seems ridiculous now, doesn’t it, that kind of naivete?”

If anything, it seemed to Marina that naivete was key. It was the thing that had allowed Karen to marry Anders and have those three children, their shared belief that he would always be there to take care of them. She and Anders were both too naïve to think that either one of them might die in these early years when they were both so essential to one another and to their sons. Had they thought for a minute that things might turn out the way they did they would never have had the courage to begin. Marina’s own birth had been engendered by naivete: her mother’s, thinking that love would win out over the pull of an entire country; her father’s, thinking that he could leave a country behind for one Minnesotan. Had they not been so hopeful and guileless her birth would have been impossible. Marina reimagined her parents as a couple of practical cynics and suddenly the entire film of her life spooled backwards until at last the small heroine disappeared completely. Naivete may be the bedrock of reproduction, the lynchpin for the survival of the species. Even Marina, who understood all of this, was still able to think that Mr. Fox was possibly, obliquely, suggesting they might marry.

–Ann Patchett, State of Wonder, p. 53


Marriage Debates

03.16.2012 10:37 AM

FamilyScholars bloggers Amber Lapp and David Lapp have a piece at the Atlantic online today, in the Health section, “A New Normal for the American Family: Kids Outside of Marriage.”

Tori refers to motherhood as her calling. While her family wishes that she’d gone to college and “got established” first, Tori, now a home health care provider, doesn’t regret her decision to go “from high school to mom.” “Honestly, if I had waited, I don’t think I would have Aidan,” she said. “[He] makes me want to yank my hair out, my house is always a mess, there’s food all over my carpet, my couch, his clothes are stained — and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

While such sentiments befuddle many college-educated Americans, we heard them often in our interviews with over 100 mostly white working-class young adults in southwestern Ohio. Many working-class young adults like Tori — married or not — view the birth of their children as one of the best things that happened to them. As one young cohabiting woman put it, having kids is “the biggest point in life. More than falling in love, more than your house, more than your money, more than anything is keeping your family alive. Keeping the world going. Like, that’s what you’re put on this Earth to do.”

Also at the Atlantic online today, in the Business section, “Marriage’s Inequality Crisis,” by Nancy Cook.

Marriage, as a result, now offers  fewer people a boost up the economic ladder. Stop and think what this  means for the growing inequality in Americans’ incomes over the next  decade or more. If well-educated people with good jobs marry one  another, they’ll have a better shot at saving money and accumulating  wealth. Less-educated, lower-income couples may stick together, but  their lack of schooling means they’re both more likely to struggle to  find work, and they’ll have sparser resources to fall back on if one of  them loses a job.

Then consider the impact on the next generation. Well-educated, wealthy Americans will have more resources to spend on  their children’s education, health, and enrichment; low-income people  can offer fewer opportunities to help their offspring get ahead.


Should a state in its laws note the risks to children of fragmented families?

03.09.2012 12:16 PM

Wisconsin state senator Glenn Grothman has proposed SB 507 which seeks to require the state’s Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board “to emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect” in state materials and education and public awareness campaigns. (The bill is here.) The bill was the subject of public debate on Wednesday of this week and has been the subject of a lot of largely aghast news coverage in Wisconsin and around the nation. The bill is said to be stigmatizing and blaming single mothers for child abuse.

Most of the commentators seem utterly ignorant of large bodies of data showing the dramatic risks to children of living with a single parent (often because such situations bring unrelated men into the home), much of it funded by or reported by the federal government as well as by professors at major research universities.

The source for the table below is from a recent major US Department of Health and Human Services report, analyzing federal data. Study it carefully for a moment.

Or read the Pediatrics article “Child Deaths Resulting From Inflicted Injuries: Household Risk Factors and Perpetrator Characteristics,” by Patricia G. Schnitzer and Bernard G. Ewigman:
Or read “Mothers, Men, and Child Protective Services Involvement,” by Lawrence M. Berger, Christina Paxson, and Jane Waldfogel, resulting from the National Institutes of Health funded Fragile Families study based at Princeton University:
Or read a 2008 research brief we published, authored by W. Bradford Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, “Protectors or Perpetrators? Fathers, Mothers, and Child Abuse and Neglect.”
Or read Robin Fretwell Wilson’s Cornell Law Review article, “Children at Risk: The Sexual Exploitation of Female Children after Divorce”:
These studies of fractured families differ in their estimates of the percentage of girls molested during childhood. However, regardless of whether the precise number is 50% or even half that, the rate is staggering and suggests that girls are at much greater risk after divorce than we might have imagined.
Professor Wilson continues:
Despite these studies, the idea that so many girls in fractured families report childhood sexual abuse strains credulity. Nevertheless, with more than seventy social science studies confirming the link between divorce and molestation, there is little doubt that the risk is indeed real. As difficult as it is to accept, a girl’s sexual vulnerability skyrockets after divorce, with no indication that this risk will subside.
So, FamilyScholars readers, what do you think? Should a state in its laws note the risks to children of living in fragmented families?

The Human Rights Disaster That is Surrogacy

03.05.2012 9:54 AM

The poor surrogate mothers in Gujarat, who rent their wombs to augment the family income, have been confronted with the horrors of a pitiable payment and broken homes.

The Centre for Social Research, an NGO, revealed after talking to nearly 100 surrogate mothers and 50 commissioning parents in Anand, Surat and Jamnagar in Gujarat, that surrogacy has not gone down well with their husbands and children.

‘We found some disturbing trends. For instance, though the husbands do not mind their wives to act as surrogate mothers, the spouse and her children distance themselves from her after she returns home following the birth of the baby,’ CSR director Dr Ranjana Kumari said. more


‘Do liberals disdain the disabled?’

02.28.2012 9:55 AM

A terrific opinion piece in the NYT this morning by Harold A. Pollack of the University of Chicago:

…Sixty years ago, the birth of an intellectually disabled child was viewed as a private tragedy. Families did the best they could, for as long as they could, or turned to forbidding public institutions for help. Now millions of men and women with intellectual disabilities live with greater dignity with their families or in human-scale group homes in their own communities. And every day, our family experiences countless acts of kindness and acceptance: harried business travelers patiently wait as we move ever so slowly through the airport security check; tough South Side Chicago kids wave back when Vincent waves at them; students at our daughters’ school react kindly to their classmates’ unusual-looking uncle.

Liberals and conservatives deserve credit for working together to promote genuine progress in these areas. It isn’t easy, because we have genuine differences regarding the size and role of government, abortion, separation of church and state. more


Should the new norm concern us?

02.20.2012 1:05 PM

At the New York Times “Motherlode” blog, KJ Dell’Antonia is thinking out loud about that big headline:

Unmarried mothers, in some areas, have become the norm, no longer stigmatized by society. Regular readers of this blog will know that while births among teenagers are down in recent years, the majority of commenters here, at least, would support, not shun, a teenager of their acquaintance with a baby. That tolerance clearly extends to all unmarried mothers. Many of us pride ourselves on the modernity of this relatively new way of thinking — who would insist that only a family mirroring some 50’s-sitcom image of “nuclear” can raise a happy, healthy child?

But is our pride misplaced? Fifty-three percent of all children born to women under 30 is an awful lot of children born outside of what’s been considered, for more than a handful of years, the most stable family structure…

Can we find a way to support marriage at all levels of society without recreating the stigma for unmarried mothers and their children, and should we?


From China: ‘Gao cries less’

02.13.2012 12:52 PM

Yes, in a country with a forced one-child policy, and the abortion and international adoption rates that result, plus orphanages packed with ”unadoptable” disabled children, surrogacy is booming. Go figure.

Two years after giving away the baby boy she’d carried for nine months, Gao cries less. His new mum treats him well, and she finds comfort in the smiling family photos uploaded online. Besides, she has her own biological seven-year-old to care for – and she’s busy searching for another infertile couple seeking a womb.

…for women such as Gao, the decision to surrogate isn’t an ethical one: it provides her family with much-needed cash, even if there’s an emotional cost. Though her husband cared for her in their home during her first surrogacy, for the next Gao plans to move out of town. “My relatives and neighbours would be sceptical if I tell them the baby is stillborn again,” she says.


‘Who Decides the Makings of a Modern Family?’

02.06.2012 11:25 AM

Every few weeks, physicians at a Toronto fertility clinic provide treatment to help a transsexual man who used to be a woman get pregnant, taking advantage of still-intact wombs — and essentially making the patient both father and mother to his future child…

Other physicians, however, are not so sure about this remarkable interplay of social change and medical technology, worrying that some transgendered people may still be susceptible to the psychological tumult that led them to have sex-change surgery, potentially putting their kids at risk.

The debate underscores a prickly issue facing Canada’s booming fertility industry. As a growing number and increasingly broad range of Canadians seek out their services, should the organizations act as gatekeepers and decide, essentially, who can become a parent?…

“People have babies [naturally] every day and nobody’s screening them,” said Donna Jacobs, a psychologist who counsels patients for a handful of Ontario fertility clinics. “Who is anybody to be the gatekeeper? There are people with bipolar [disorder] who have children, there are people with borderline personality disorder, people who are psychopaths.”

How nice.


Co-Parenting Pre-Conception Arrangements

01.25.2012 5:29 PM

I wrote about them here and here.

A FamilyScholars reader sends me two recent examples in the news, apparently spurred by yet another ridiculous new “family building” website:

…In comes co-parenting.  It’s a concept where unmarried adults who decide that marriage isn’t for them, or whose biological clock is winding down, decide they want to have a child, married or not.   Two mature adults can decide that they want to have a child, become loving parents, and never even live together.  …A start-up company has actually moved to capitalize on this concept.  Modamily, a New York based firm, has developed a social network for potential parents to find a mate without the pressure of relationships or marriage.  The site reminds me of Match.com, but with a completely different focus. You can even choose which method of conception you are open to (natural or artificial).

…Simply put, co-parenting is the practice of raising a child together without all the messy romantic stuff. Two adults, both hankering to be parents, join forces to have and raise a baby. But they don’t get married. And they don’t love each other, at least not like that. According to Modamily, a website for people looking to create co-parenting arrangements, co-parenting is, “the shared raising of a child between two loving, committed, and financially secure adults.” Modamily claims that the set-up helps to solve the problem of quickie-clock-ticker marriages and resulting divorces.

If you want to learn more about Modamily google them yourself.


Dr. Oz on Childbearing after 40

01.21.2012 12:08 AM

Jennifer Lahl debated a fertility doctor, and FamilyScholars bloggers Alana S., Amy Ziettlow, and I were there. The episode airs Friday, January 27th. Check local listings for times (and the producer tells us that if the show airs twice daily in your area then the new episode will be the second one).


Where have the girls gone?

01.13.2012 11:00 AM

On the one hand, I try not to engage the topic of abortion at this site, but on the other hand, demographer Nicholas Eberstadt’s newest data heavy and powerful article, “The Global War Against Baby Girls,” in The New Atlantis cannot be missed.

Sex-selective abortion is by now so widespread and so frequent that it has come to distort the population composition of the entire human species: this new and medicalized war against baby girls is indeed truly global in scale and scope.


‘Why are we still dissing only children?’

01.12.2012 1:42 PM

Writes Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon:

It’s especially galling to hear the contempt for onlies – that vaguely snide attitude that the real selfishness is on the part of the parents – coming as it does within a culture in which the subjects of infertility, pregnancy loss, deferred child rearing, and divorce are the stuff of idle playground chatter. If a child you know has no siblings, chances are you know the reasons why. It’s rarely because the parents are such big jerks. But whether it’s by the hand of fate or conscious decision, who’s to knock another’s choices, anyway? Why be a self-appointed Goldilocks of family size, bloviating that one is pathetic, five is pushing it, but two or three is juuuuust right?