Archives: Alana S.

Best Interests of Children That Do Not Yet Exist

Alana S. 04.05.2012 3:34 AM

The below is actually the writing of Marilynn Huff, presented as a comment in Julie Shapiro’s blog. The question Shapiro offered was essentially, How can we do what is in the best interests of the child, when the child in question does not yet exist? And if that child is to be created via third-party reproduction, would it not be in the child’s best interest to exist rather than not exist?

Marilynn responds: 

I know which False Dilemma you’re using for this debate experiment – its False dilemma / False Choice (Hobson’s Choice) . The fallacy of the excluded middle, false dichotomy, false correlative, “either/or” fallacy and bifurcation involving a situation in which two alternative points of view are held to be the only options, when in reality there exists one or more other options which have not been considered. Hobson’s choice is “take it or leave it” take what is offered or get nothing.

So the Hobson’s choice you offer here is that abandonment by their biological fathers is essential to their existence. Had their biological fathers been required to support them the way people are made to support their children, those men never would have agreed to reproduce with our subject’s mothers and causing them never to be born lament their plight of genetic bewilderment. The false dilemma is that it seems we must allow some people to abandon their young in secret or millions of people will never have the chance to exist. Their fate rests on our shoulders unless we don’t think those people deserve to exist. Oh its so tricky!

The excluded middle of this false choice would be to focus our laws on how we treat individuals that are actually born. When those individuals are newly born someone has to be responsible for taking care of them or they’ll die. If a newborn is found in an alley starved and dead from exposure we would treat that neglect as a crime against the deceased infant. Who should the law hold accountable for that death? Who owed it to that child to try to keep him or her alive? Is the government the automatic parent of every person born who then picks and chooses parents based on the child’s best interests? That’s a pretty big burden for our government to take on. There would be an uproar if the government just randomly assigned people to care for infants they had nothing to do with creating. And while there are plenty of people who want to raise children they did not themselves create, there is not enough of them to handle the load if every newborn were unwanted. What would we do about the unwanted ones? Who should take care of them? What do they deserve? Who owes them the duty of providing physical and financial support if not the people who reproduced to create them then who? Another question is if people who have that responsibility should be able to sell their way out off the record before anyone knows its them that created the child.
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The alternative to underwriting the abandonment of millions of future people would be to offer them the dignity of equal treatment upon their arrival. We could, treat all human beings as people who, as minor offspring, are entitled to the financial and physical support of the people who reproduced to create them, who, in turn will be responsible for the physical and financial support of their own minor offspring. We could as an alternative to off the record promises to abandon require on the record consent to relinquish just like people do when they give up children for adoption. That solution would not stop people from generously donating their offspring to people who want to raise them, they just could not do it all yellow bellied and cowardly like.

If being held responsible for the results of their reproductive behavior will make some people choose not to reproduce and give up their offspring, then so be it. There are millions of reasons why a person may decide not to reproduce at any given moment and we certainly don’t mourn the non-death of all the individuals that never existed because of it.
We cannot be so foolish as to believe that expecting individuals to behave responsibly toward their offspring will cost billions of people their lives because it will prevent them from ever being conceived. I’m sorry its just the biggest load of hooey anyone ever heard. Everything would be just dandy if all men were held to the same standard of care with regard to the support of their young.

Single women giving birth to half spring [donor-conceived offspring] really illustrate where it is that donor offspring have fewer rights because there is nobody fronting and making it look like they’ve lost nothing. Half spring are entitled to the support of their mother who qualifies as a person so she owes the kid her support. But donor offspring don’t have the same rights as full blooded people, remember they are half donor half person. Donors don’t owe their offspring anything – so it really shows what’s lost when single women do it. These rights are still lost when the woman is not single, it just seems like not such a big deal because they get supported by someone else so its almost the same. Of course its not because it means the person has to assume the false identity of being that person’s child.
No its not in the best interest of any person to be treated as less than human and less deserving of rights afforded to all other people. Its horribly distasteful to suggest their lives are dependent upon having been abandoned by one of the people that created them. Of course that’s not true and what an awful thing to imply. If I could personally go and pluck those words out of the air before they reached the ears of every person that’s ever been humiliated by being told that I would in a heartbeat.


My New Favorite Blog

Alana S. 04.01.2012 12:44 AM

From Pronoia Agape on her blog Strange Conceptions:

Post title: “Would you rather not exist?”

There are questions and statements I’m angry about and feel the need to answer in advance. Because I’ve been made my whole life to feel guilty for not feeling perfect gratitude for having such perfect parents I keep attacking myself and then needing to defend myself from myself. But these attacks are out there as well, I didn’t invent them. So I’ll start with my personal favorite: “Would you rather not exist?”

Because, apparently, not feeling just wonderful about one’s conception and parentage means you’d rather not exist.

It doesn’t make sense. I could be the product of rape, a drunken one-night-stand, incest, a silly teenage relationship that ended before I was born, you name it – and still not wish my existence away. And not be expected to love the circumstances of my conception.

But this question does reveal something else to me – I do feel and always, it seems to me, have felt, an ambivalence towards my very existence. I have felt worthless and depressed and unworthy of love and life and at times suicidal. A failure. Never good enough. Incapable of pleasing.

I am now convinced this has something to do with my parents’ ambivalence towards my existence.

I was proof of my father’s fertility in public, a source of his shame in secret.

I was my mother’s dream come true, and a source of her guilt in front of her husband for getting her genetic child when he didn’t get his, which is why she probably allowed him to appropriate me and sabotage my relationship with her from the very start, when he persuaded her she couldn’t nurse me, although she wanted to.

I was someone who constantly had to be lied to and about.

A part of who I was was unacceptable to them. And I just didn’t know which part, as I had tried so very hard to completely please them. And still there was this sadness and anger and hatred in my “father”‘s eyes. And this guilt and fear and retreat in my mother’s.


Single Mom, Suffering to Find Her Father

Alana S. 03.29.2012 3:40 PM

Through an Anonymous Us private email, I received a request from a woman named Katrina to help her get what she needs to find her biological father. She found out at 15 that she was donor-conceived. Today she is in her 20′s and desperately wants to find her biological father, but because she is a struggling single mom, she is having a really difficult time affording the two recommended DNA tests to begin the search process.

I had help in affording mine and am now on my way to finding my biological father. I’m forever grateful. Perhaps this is a cause one of you would like to participate in in a small way.

This is her fundraising website: http://gofundme.com/katatrinakay

She has $150 pledged and only needs $350 more.

 

 


Oops

Alana S. 03.26.2012 7:19 PM

A new story titled “donor” has been submitted from a former sperm donor on my AnonymousUs.org site. He pleads for his genetic children, and subsequently all offspring via gamete donation, to not locate their fathers.

To all donor concieved children Im sorry. I needed the money and I thought I was making your parents happy… Please dont hunt me down and break my real family, for they dont know. My real children would not forgive me. My wife, who is my life, would leave me.

Another reader, a donor-conceived person- wrote in to respond:

I am so sorry for the position you now find yourself in. But you are all of your offspring’s father no matter how they were conceived… It would be better to be honest with your family now before one of your children, who you did not agree to raise, find you through dna testing. It’s too late.

I would additionally say to all former donors… Ready or not, here we come.

 


Jesus Henry Christ

Alana S. 03.21.2012 4:51 AM

A new movie about sperm donation- believe it or not from the child’s perspective- and with legitimate language like “father”.


Reproductive Technologies & The Quest for Immortality

Alana S. 03.01.2012 10:38 PM

I wrote a little diddy over at Public Discourse titled ‘Reproductive Technologies & The Quest for Immortality’. 

It’s important to explore people’s motivations for using donors and becoming donors if we’re going to offer alternatives and advocate in any capacity for the rights of the children created.


The Many Amenities at Wyzax Surrogacy Homes

Alana S. 01.14.2012 2:01 PM

At Wyzax Surrogacy Consultants, we ensure that all of our animals, I mean surrogates, are well provided for and attended to- in the most comfortable of home environments.

The stay of surrogates at surrogate homes offers distinct advantages as follows:
a)-Our Co-ordinators & Social workers can have a direct control over the surrogates
b)-Surrogate tests, medicines, food, nutrition & hygiene can be strictly monitored
c)-Any unforeseen complications can be immediately attended to
d)-A positive environment can be created for the surrogates through devotional music, extra curricular activities, entertainment tools, & by engaging them in developing vocational skills
e)-Strict monitoring can be done to ensure that the surrogates avoid physical contact through crucial periods of pregnancy
f)-It can be ensured that the surrogates stay away from prohibited activities like smoking, consuming alcohol, eating tobacco, etc
g)-Complete physical & mental rest can be ensured , especially after ET
h)-The surrogates can be provided a family environment by allowing them to be with their husbands & kids regularly
i)-Proper security for the surrogates can be ensured
j)-Human rights of the surrogates can be ensured
k)-Basic needs for a comfortable living can be provided- hot & cold water, coolers & heaters, television & radio, refrigerator & cooking gas, etc.

“As soon as men have figured out how to have babies without women, it will be the end of women kind, it will be the coming gynocide.” -Andrea Dworkin.

Surrogacy is a great place to start in the devaluing of women.


Anonymous Us. Episode 11.

Alana S. 01.12.2012 2:30 PM

On this episode, we hear first from a woman who never knew her biological father. Her lesbian mother had an affair with a man and never told him about the pregnancy. Later in life, the woman experienced infertility for herself and was encouraged by her doctor to use an egg donor.

Our second story is by a transgender donor-conceived person- it is a beautiful letter written to hir father, asking him in a number of ways one simple question, who are you?


Beautifully Dynamic New Story at Anonymous Us

Alana S. 12.08.2011 3:21 PM

Dynamic story from a woman who never knew her father, grew up with her gay mother, and later on confronted the fertility industry and all of its webs of possibilities when she discovered her own infertility.

 

I grew up with an identity problem which affected my relationships and self esteem, not to mention the undescribable “longing” and constant ache to know the piece of me that was missing…

…I was unable to get pregnant, because my eggs were too old. We consulted with a fertility doctor who advised us to use an egg donor.


New Episode of Anonymous Us Podcast

Alana S. 12.08.2011 3:00 PM

One story, and one poem – from two donor-conceived people with very different views.


Did You Know You Were Supposed to Be Equal?

Alana S. 11.10.2011 2:41 PM

A new story has been submitted over at Anonymous Us.

They just need one of you with deep pockets and a law degree to take it up in court and the law would change.


Win what?

Alana S. 10.16.2011 5:33 PM

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/health/yuck/5534532/story.html

 


Worse Things Have Happened

Alana S. 10.06.2011 11:41 PM

I suppose now is the time to announce to the world…

I’m expecting. A child that is- and best news is, I know who the father is!

The second best news is I didn’t even have to pay him.

We’re very proud of our child’s conception story, though I won’t go into detail about it here. We brought forth new life naturally, with a lot of love and respect. I am already jealous of our child’s life. Even if the kid grows up to hate me and thinks of me as a horrible mother, I know I did one thing right.

But I see why many women delay pregnancy until it’s too late or very difficult. The career crowd isn’t much impressed by your happy news all the time.

We told my family. We told his family. We told my friends. Now we’re starting to tell his friends. We’re entering the second trimester and it’s just now starting to get more real. But there was one person I just couldn’t bring myself to tell until yesterday- my music manager.

When my fiancĂ© and I first became engaged, I was so happy. Everything about the way he did it was special and beautiful and really confirmed what a great guy he is. When I told my manager, the first thing she said to me was, “we can’t tell anyone about this.” Not only people in the music industry, but also my fans.

The second thing she said was, “Don’t get pregnant.”

Whoops… When I told her about the pregnancy, she approached it gently and as politely as she could, but her true feelings showed through when she said, “We’ll deal with it… Worse things have happened.”

Worse things?!

Worse things?!!!

I get pregnant on the first try, without spending thousands of dollars on dangerous fertility drugs- with my enthusiastic, capable, and loving fiancĂ©, as a healthy young woman with a stable middle-class financial situation and I’m told: worse things have happened?!

Society is crazy I’ve decided. She told me that music industry people will be nervous as to your decision to start a family and may think that you aren’t taking your career seriously.

I went into music because I thought it would be a great avenue for being a great mom. You get to pick your hours, make royalties, and can spend a lot of time at home (especially if you have a home recording studio). This choice of mine was affirmed this summer when I met Swedish music royalty Jenny Wilson. She told me, “Being a mother and musician is ideal! You can pick your hours! My only advice is make sure you pick out a great Dad.”

Thanks Jenny! Done. Snagged him.

Is it true that big career success is probably easier for the childless? Sure. I can’t imagine Lady Gaga getting away with what she does if she had little kids. Then again Madonna has a few.

The truth is, I’ve  been hearing stories of how painful childlessness is since I was 5 years old. It started with my mom and her battle to conceive, then when I sold my eggs I got a fresh earful of stories of woe- women who used birth control for years and waited for just the right moment and just the right man and just after they got the promotion they wanted… And now as I operate The Anonymous Us Project, the words are always different but the point is always the same:

Having a child is one of the most important things I will ever do with my life.

Unfortunately for most people, it took them up until too long to figure that out. I have the benefit of many people’s stories and wisdom. And now that a new soul has chosen me as its mother, I’m not going to abort that opportunity just because it makes a few people in the music industry nervous.


Episode 9- The Anonymous Us Podcast

Alana S. 10.04.2011 5:03 PM


Competing for My Father’s Love

Alana S. 09.25.2011 6:14 PM

I remember once listening to a podcast about how only children are happier because they don’t have to compete for their parent’s attention. Apparently, the more siblings you have, the harder it is to get love, resources, and affection.

I pity the kids from the Partridge Family.

But look at these numbers…

The Association of Reproductive Medicine has guidelines about how many offspring a donor may have in a geographic area. The limit is 25 children per population of 800,000. A friend of mine recently did the math on how many siblings a donor-conceived friend of hers could potentially have, according to the moral and public health guidelines of the ASRM.

Harris County Texas

3,984,349 pop/800,000 = 5 x 25 = 125 children per donor

Texas

24,782,302 pop/800,000 = 31 x 25 = 775 children per donor

U.S.

307,006,550 pop/800,000 = 384 x 25 = 9,600 children per donor

North America

528,720,588 pop/800,000 = 661 x 25 = 16,523 children per donor

Earth

6,775,235,700 pop/800,000 = 8469 x 25 = 211,725 children per donor

 

I doubt our dear donors will have enough time to catch a coffee with each of their children so much as once a year. That’s bad news for all us kids who be needin’ our papas.

Let us not trust the fertility industry to regulate themselves.

 

 


Anonymous Us Goes To Sweden

Alana S. 08.29.2011 5:09 AM

AnonymousUs.org, along with my personal story, got the front page of Svenska Dagbladet today (one of Sweden’s big 3 newspapers). This both online, and in print. The newspaper has roughly 250,000 print subscribers- in a country of 9 million.

Today in Sweden, married couples (both straight and lesbian) have legal access to sperm donation. However, donors are true to their title and do not receive payment. Each donor is limited to 6 donations. All pregnancies are initiated and assisted by a medical professional (no entrepreneurs). The non-biological social parent must write and sign a letter of consent to the procedure. And all children are given access to their true family origin at age 18, with their father’s information stored centrally, in a protected government database until they wish to access such information. And that information is protected for, I believe, over 70 years.

Single women may not access these services.

However, it takes all of 2 seconds to hop on a train to Copenhagen and impregnate yourself by an anonymous Dane, so the conversation is still pumping here in Stockholm.

Here are some comments from the article, translated by good ole’ Google.

So, she believes that gay boy’s children will have problems with anger and identification. How dare she suggest such a thing?

Like, they’re the result of real and true love, and not old outdatedheteronormativitet. Children * is * a right - for hetrosexuella through the agency of nature, and for certain other groups of a right by law.

- Actually, we should set quotas for the children so that LGBT-pairs have the same number of children per couple hetero-normative-pairs.

By the way, no where in the article did I ever mention anything about gays using ART. Nowhere.

And then there are the these:

One of the most thought-provoking articles on the topic for many years in the Swedish press, with the perspective that often (in our country) is completely absent. The usual (and unthinking) dismissal for ”empatilöshet” do not bite when Alana herself is so concerned by the topic she was talking about that she can be. Maybe why she so masterfully demonstrates the contradictions and lack of consideration of the ”donation industrial complex”?

Google Translate isn’t perfect, but you get the idea.

Just wanted to give an official ‘Thank You’ to Anna Lagerblad for her ear and her article.

 


Another Case of Klinefelters

Alana S. 07.28.2011 9:03 AM

A woman writes about her husband’s Klinefelters syndrome- which was mentioned here in another Anonymous Us post titled ‘Endocrine Disruptors’.

She writes:

My husband has a genetic condition called Klinefelters Syndrome, or XXY… We went as fas as having both his testicles cut open and parts of them removed to see if we could find any sperm at all…there was nothing. Not even one. It broke our hearts.

She continues on a sympathetic description of the pains of infertility, then continues with:

I hear the argument about “Thats what nature intended for you” a lot, but please let me tell you that I am 100% healthy and fertile. I have had every test under the sun to make sure of it. Its definitely NOT what nature intended for ME. I could walk away from my husband and fall pregnant to another man and never think about infertility again…But what sort of person would that make me? Would I be able to live with myself after that?

Maybe she should follow the advice of this woman who used donor sperm to have her child: entry titled ‘It’s not a perfect world, but it’s my world’:

Perhaps I should’ve never married an infertile man knowing how badly I wanted children. Can’t go back now. Can’t get a redo on that chapter of my life. Biggest mistake made – Marrying someone who couldn’t produce and didn’t want children. And then complicating the whole situation by adding an adopted child and a donor child to the whole mix. Adding the children wasn’t the mistake. It was the husband that was the mistake.

Klinefelters is the most common chromosomal disorder in males.


Son of a Surrogate

Alana S. 06.30.2011 8:31 PM

Just found this amazing blog called “song of a surrogate”.

It looks to me like I was bought and sold. You can dress it up with as many pretty words as you want. You can wrap it up in a silk freaking scarf. You can pretend these are not your children. You can say it is a gift or you donated your egg to the IM. But the fact is that someone has contracted you to make a child, give up your parental rights and hand over your flesh and blood child. I dont care if you think I am not your child, what about what I think! Maybe I know I am your child.When you exchange something for money it is called a commodity.


The Duke Out at Donor Unknown

Alana S. 06.05.2011 9:43 PM

This week I had my fears confirmed. I’m in London- which is great because the documentary Donor Unknown is screening around the UK. It’ raining heavy, my band-mate Angela just got in town yesterday. She agrees to come see the film with me which is in a really nice independent cinema in Notting Hill. I knew that a few donor-conceived people were going to come to the screening. I was excited to meet some new people in the community. I met two women, both involved with UKDonorLink, and two men, all in their twenties.

The film follows JoEllen Marsh, through her journey in discovering her 14 half-sibling and biological father Jeffrey. JoEllen never had a social father- her mother didn’t swing that way. And of all the 14 half-siblings, only one was conceived in a hetero-normative family with a present social father (but the social father made no appearance in the film). JoEllen is bubbly, intelligent, attractive, and altogether very likable. She makes for a great character to introduce regular people into donor-conception as a topic. She takes a lot of the edge off the creepiness of the practice just by showing up and being her charming self.

JoEllen’s father turns out to be a beach-bum- a long-haired, tie-dye wearing, conspiracy theory, Southern California hippie. He admitted to paying rent for 8 years straight by selling his sperm. When we see the kids together, the family resemblance is undeniable. When we see them bond and talk and interact, there is no getting over how their shared blood obviously bonds them. I definitely encourage you to see the film. It isn’t political. It doesn’t make any sweeping statements about the morality of the practice. It is a well-filmed portrait of one family’s unique story. JoEllen and all of her siblings become the viewers’ first donor-conceived friends- which is an important first step in caring about DC issues in general. I didn’t think the film dug very deep on some of the serious issues with DC, although they did make a big point about consanguinity.

What I was most surprised by was what happened after the screening.

Angela and I went outside with my new donor-conceived acquaintances (again 2 female, 2 male). We all asked each other what we though of the film, and one of the men (let’s call him Brad) kept repeating “I can’t believe they chose a beach bum”. I didn’t quite understand why he was so upset by the fact that Jeffrey, the father, was a beach bum. Brad asked me, “How would you feel if your father were a beach bum?”. I told him that piece of the story didn’t bother me at all. The women and I began asking each other questions about our social fathers. One of the women said she had ” a complete aversion to her social father”. She didn’t want to be touched by him. She didn’t feel comfortable around him, even before her parents told her she knew she didn’t like her social father. She didn’t even really consider him her “dad”.

I pointed a remark at the DC men I had just met, mentioning the only DC men I had ever met were Tom Ellis and David Gollancz, and only briefly. I said “Wow- I would really love to hear more about the male perspective on being DC.” At which point Brad immediately burst “It’s 10 times worse!” I asked him why he thought so. Brad and I had a really hard time communicating. We were both speaking English, but words clearly did not mean the same thing to us. Finally I think I began to understand what he was trying to say.

Imagine your father is a beach-bum. Donor conception has been around for 30 years, they could have made a film about anyone but they chose a beach-bum! Look at how they’re trying to make you feel!

That’s what Brad said to me. Donor-conception has been around for over a century, but that’s not the point. What Brad was describing was how belittled and small and impotent and marginalized he felt being a donor-conceived man. What he was really saying was:

Imagine if your father was a nobody. Imagine if your father was a washed up tool, used for his spare parts, unworthy of respect. Now imagine being of him, his son. Imagine weaving that person into the story of who you are and who you’re destined to be. Paid to be absent. So shameful we don’t even want to know your name.

I have a theory about DC men. I’ve read about what makes young men violent. The vast majority of men in prison grew up fatherless. I know that men who grow up to be misogynists (gangster rap anyone?) themselves grew up fatherless. To me, if you’re a true feminist, you should be doing everything you can to make sure your little boy has a great dad present and very involved because that little boy will grow up with a much healthier sense of his own masculinity and how to feel like a man while still engaging, respecting and cooperating with women.

Basically, if you want to end misogyny, you have to end misandry- that’s my point of view.

In our simple, and what should have been illuminating discussion- I for some reason find Brad beginning to yell at me and Angela. In an unprovoked instant he begins to call Angela a c***. I threw my hands up and told him he can’t talk to my friend like that and before I knew it he pushed me violently against the wall. He would have punched me in the face if it weren’t for the other DC people intervening. Angela and I said a quick goodbye and got out of there as swiftly as we could. Brad called us tramps as we walked away.

It was fascinating.

Anger. Violence. Misogyny. Shame.

This was a man that was sooo angry. Without anywhere to direct his anger (having just seen a movie that made him feel so horrible about himself) he had to throw his fist at someone. For some reason, that someone was me. That’s a moment I’ll never forget. He seemed to very much represent what I had been fearing about DC males.

 


More on Farming Humans

Alana S. 06.03.2011 7:29 PM

In Nigeria, 32 women and girls have been rescued from a “baby factory” where they were given small amounts of money ($170) to hand over their babies to a doctor, who would then turn around and sell the babies to the highest bidder. Some of the women were raped in order to be re-impregnated.