The San Francisco decision -- which somehow drew no new conservative outcries against "activist judges"-- should be seen as but a bump on the way to progress.

[T]he punditocracy is going to get it wrong, casting McGreevey's resignation not in this lineage of male sexual hypocrisy, but as part of the new debate over lesbian and gay rights. McGreevey was hoping for exactly that when he announced, "My truth is that I am a gay American." The Human Rights Campaign quickly echoed that line, when its spokesperson Steven Fisher said, "Coming out is a deeply personal journey, and Gov. McGreevey today showed enormous courage." Oh, please. Do we really have to line up behind this guy? If the gay and lesbian scuttlebutt is to be believed, McGreevey had a boyfriend even before he married his second and current wife, which means that for years, he's tried to have it both ways--the political mask of a wife and child, and the private comfort of secret paramours. How is this different from, say, Bob Barr, Newt Gingrich, or a gang of Kennedys?

On one coast, yet another politician announces that he cheated on his marriage vows; on the other coast, thousands of men and women are being cheated out of theirs. One event is an entertaining tabloid headline, but a flyspeck on history's windshield. The other is a speedbump on the difficult drive toward civil rights, one of American history's greatest themes. That's the real story.

The governor's announcement was reportedly driven by the threat of a sexual harassment lawsuit by a former aide, Golan Cipel. Mr. McGreevey, who has two children from his two marriages and whose wife stood next to him during his press conference, acknowledged that he had committed adultery with another man. He did not say that the man in question had worked for his administration.

Gay or straight, that kind of relationship raises troubling questions, apart from the issue of whether it was consensual. Mr. Cipel was originally appointed as the governor's homeland security adviser, a job for which he had no discernable qualifications. If Mr. McGreevey put someone in that critical post because of a personal relationship, that would be an outrage, regardless of his sexual orientation.

Conservatism is a noble tradition and an intellectual mess. Conservatives say they revere both traditional and market values. But those two sets of values so often contradict each other that conservatives have to cover their eyes -- from the [Coors] twins ads, for example -- if they are to pretend to be consistent.

What is the most powerful force for permissiveness in the United States? It is not liberalism. It is the free market's use of sexuality to sell products. Children in our country are exposed to many more sexual images in television ads -- especially those selling beer -- than in raunchy magazines sold under the counter.

The governor said that he was stepping down not because he is gay, but because he had committed adultery. He said that he believed that a gay person could be a governor, he added that he felt his extra-martial affair put him and his office in a vulnerable situation.

Besides, the kids aren't really kids anymore. Once offspring are twentysomethings living on their own, most parents don't have much say. Maybe that has to do with the decline of authoritative parenting, or maybe it just has to do with young adults making decisions for themselves.

Last summer, an acquaintance of mine called off her wedding the day before the event. Apparently, she and her fiancee had had slowly escalating arguments over several weeks before the planned wedding, until they decided to call it off at the last minute. They had cohabitated for several years prior to the planned wedding.

At the time, I wondered what the two of them learned about each other in the weeks before the wedding that they hadn't figured out in the years they had lived together? So much for the "trial marriage" theory.

The answer, I think, is that "the realization that one is to be married the next morning concentrates the mind wonderfully." (Samuel Johnson's quote about hanging applies nicely here.) Cohabitation doesn't force a couple to deal with issues like religion, desire for children, long term plans, or extended family issues the way that marriage does (or ought to.) Couples may specifically avoid talking about these issues when there is a conflict, because they don't want to have to move out or stop having sex (for men, the latter can be a pretty motivating factor.)

There's another reason parents might encourage their children to choose
cohabitation over marriage: they don't support the relationship. For example, if
my daughter were to show a serious interest in someone I think to be a bum, what
are my options? Pretty limited. If I were to make a fuss, I might end up
encouraging a child (especially a rebellious one) to marry the bum. But by
encouraging cohabitation, I am covertly discouraging a decision to marry.
Another reason parents might promote cohabitation: they want their child to have
an "easy out" if the relationship sours. In this case, I think, they have bought
into a mentality in which we are always hedging our bets. Not a great way to
achieve stability, but a great way to extend adolescence.

Of course, homosexual men and women do not advocate for gay marriage because they fear children. That IS silly, but that's not what I meant.

I was referring to heterosexuals who support gay marriage or abortion, and do not see much a problem with either.

You are no doubt aware of the argument--made by Sullivan among others--that since the widespread acceptance of artificial contraception, there is no logical argument against gay marriage. He's right. In fact, this is the standard Catholic position on both issues (gay marriage and contraception).

Philosophically speaking, there is little difference between contraceptive sex and homosexual sex. If one becomes socially acceptable, it's only a matter of time before the other one will. All that stands between the two is a time-limited, emotionally based stigma.

And so we come to my original assertion. Abortion and gay marriage are both tied to the popular culture's desire for romance unencumbered by children--a desire facilitated by society's addiction to contraception. Abortion is the failsafe for failed contraception and gay marriage is the logical fruit of a contracepting culture. You do the math. Fear of children is at the root of both.

Ok, that makes more sense. It's the argument discussed here. Still, in my view there's a difference between "fear of children" and "fear of unwanted pregnancy." And the root of support for gay marriage is not fear of children, but simply the fact that some people are homosexual and, just like heteros, they want to make the Big Commitment to the person they love.

Man Miscast in Role as Father

BECKLEY, WV - Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

It turns out that every sappy love song ever made has been wrong. Love won't conquer all. By itself, it won't even hold a marriage together.

That's according to Sally Dear, a visiting assistant professor at Binghamton University's School of Education and Human Development. Her course "Divorce Culture: Relationships and Developmental Issues," which will be offered in the fall semester, examines the attitudes that feed into divorce.

Dear hopes to cut through the myths of marriage so students can make realistic choices in their relationships. She taught the class twice before at BU to capacity audiences. Next semester's class already has a waiting list.

While other courses at Syracuse University and Amherst touch on the topic of divorce, Dear's class is the first she knows of that views relationships through the lens of divorce. She emphasizes cohabitation before marriage, even though the couples who live together before trying the knot have higher divorce rates.

Living together gives couples a chance to spend quality time together discussing expectations, she said.

"Dating is not a realistic preparation for marriage as far as I'm concerned," she said, "It's a traditional preparation, but not a realistic one."

Despite the subject matter of the course, Dear has not given up on marriage; instead, she follows her own advice. The professor is living with a man she intends to marry, she said.

Among older Americans - the 55-plus crowd, and those on into their 80's - divorce appears to be more accepted and more common than ever, according to divorce lawyers, marriage counselors and gerontologists.

Mr. Taylor, the retired computer programmer in Oregon [who divorced his wife of 38 years], is now married to the former Dannah MacCombe, whose own marriage disolved after 31 years. (They met through eHarmony.com). Mrs. Taylor said that family members still feel the sting of the couple's divorces.

"Roland's chilrden are in their 40's, and my children are in their 30's, and my kids still ask me, 'Why didn't you try to keep the marriage together?'" Mrs. Taylor said. The grandchildren have also expressed concern. "Two of them asked me why I wasn't married to Grandpa Bill anymore," Mrs. Taylor said. "It's complicated."

The vast majority of those who have applied so far--70 percent--are women requesting time off to bond with a newborn or an adopted or foster child.

One of them is Carla Dartis-Carter of Oakland, who works at a nonprofit foundation. She applied for the paid leave to care for her newly adopted son. She said the program is a great idea because workers are bankrolling it. "The employee, employer and state are all doing this as a partnership," she said.

The program is funded entirely through a worker payroll contribution and is administered as part of the State Disability Insurance through the state's Employment Development Department, which also administers unemployment benefits. Businesses don't pay anything.

"Kaempf um deine Frau" (Fight for Your Wife), due to launch in September, follows the lives of 12 men in a rigorous 10-week training camp to kick bad habits whilst improving fitness, self-discipline and self-confidence.

"These men have been chucked out by their wives for impossible behavior: being couch potatoes, unfaithful or totally uncommunicative," said Dieter Zurstrafenen, a spokesman for the show's producers, Sat 1.

"They have made the first step but their ultimate goal is to turn themselves into attractive partners again."

The wives scrutinize their husbands' performance during the show. The winner, picked by viewers, gets to ask his wife: "Will you have me back?"

Producers said the show had already received 5,000 applications despite the absence of any cash prizes. "It's all about love, not material gain, which makes it so popular," Zurstrafenen said.

Ironically enough, faithful Catholics' emphasis on doctrinal study can actually leave them vulnerable to high-minded doubts about their marriages.

"You see the same phenomenon with medical students," said Father Brunetta. "As they study medicine, they begin to self-diagnose. Each new ache and pain is imagined to be an indication of the most virulent disease they know. Of course, precious few of them actually have spinal meningitis or pancreatic cancer. Normal aches and pains indicate life, not death."

In the same way, he said, "There are tensions and struggles and difficulties that are normal in the marriage-these are signs of health, not invalidity."

"I will never be down with love. Ever. I'm the guy who loves relationships. I
love women. I'm the guy who's going to get married again. I'm not going to give
up on that. I really love that kind of friendship and intimacy."

As fathers' rights groups have organized around the country, judges and legislators have become more sensitive to the heartbreak of parents separated from their children. But now mothers with physical custody say they feel trapped in untenable situations, especially since alimony has become uncommon and the economy remains rocky in many regions. Judges say that they find all custody cases difficult, but for many, relocations can be the toughest and most time-consuming. When warring parents live far apart, it is hard to come up with a plan that allows them to share the child.

Dr. Warshak wrote that Dr. Wallerstein had ignored research showing that children do better when both parents are involved in their day-to-day lives, something that cannot be accomplished through summer or holiday visits.

But Dr. Wallerstein said in an interview that she agrees that in the best of circumstances, children do best with both parents. "That sounds like a very good argument for marriage," she said dryly. "The issue is, the people who come to court are not cooperative parents."