Archives: February 2012

Marriage Media
Week of February 20, 2011
Courtesy of Bill Coffin

1. Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It?, Psychology Today

Researchers tracked the happiness of over 10,000 individuals over the course of 5 years (from the late 1980s to the early 1990s) and found that those in the sample who were married (and especially married for the first time rather than remarried) were significantly happier than any other category (i.e., single, divorced, cohabiting, etc.).

2. Does Online Dating Make It Harder to Find ‘the One’?, TIME

Overall, the study found, Internet dating is a good thing, especially for singles who don’t otherwise have many opportunities to meet people. The industry has been successful, of course — and popular. . . Digital dating is now the second most common way that couples get together, after meeting through friends. But there are certain properties of online dating that actually work against love-seekers, the researchers found, making it no more effective than traditional dating for finding a happy relationship.

3.  Is Marriage Irrelevant?, Sliding vs. Deciding

The fact is that a child born to married parents is much more likely to be raised by his or her two parents than a child born to cohabiting parents. For example, a baby born to cohabiting parents is about five times more likely than a baby born to married parents to experience the dissolution of his or her parents relationship by age two. Data presented last year. . . suggested that, by age 12, a child born to cohabiting parents was roughly 2.5 times more likely to experience the dissolution of his or her parent’s relationship than a child born to married parents.

4. Couples Should Not Compete on Who Has Had Worse Day: Research, Telegraph

Common elements of the most supportive relationships were that each spouse was aware of the daily work demands on the other, they felt they could talk any time, did not try to distance themselves, did not bombard the family with minor work irritations and did not try to compete with who had had the worse day. Dr Hochwarter said: “Most important, though, was the ability for a spouse to offer support on days when he or she needs it just as much.

5. First Things First: ‘No Cheating, No Dying’, Times Free Press

“It was funny, because they were skeptical just like we were,” said Weil. “They also were curious about why we would do something like that if our marriage wasn’t in trouble, which gave me the opportunity to explain that marriage education is like prevention. Learning to be good at marriage is like learning anything else. You have to practice the skills. There’s no point in waiting until something goes wrong. It is much better to have tools to help you handle what life throws at you before the crises happen, so that they don’t destroy a healthy relationship.”

6. Do We No Longer Need Marriage?, CNN

For Americans with a college degree, divorce is down, marital quality is stable, and family stability is up since the divorce revolution of the 1970s and early 1980s, according to research I have conducted.

However, marriage is in trouble not only in poor communities but also increasingly in Middle America — communities where most people have a high school degree but not a four-year college degree. For Americans without a college degree, divorce remains high, marital quality is falling, and nonmarital childbearing is surging.

The problem with the growing marriage divide in America is that children — and men — often pay a big price.

7. Unwed Childbearing is the ‘New Normal’? Depends on Where You Stand, National Review Online

While marriage unravels in middle America, Murray laments that “politicians and media eminences are too frightened to say . . . [that] nonmarital births are problematic.” My colleague Robert Rector of the Heritage Foundation likewise adds that “schools, the welfare system, the health care system, public authorities, and the media all remain scrupulously silent on the subject.”The “new normal” in middle America is a poor substitute for what once was. It contributes to poverty rather than to the stability upon which the American dream has been built.

As Murray asserts: “When it comes to marriage . . . the new upper class must start preaching what it practices.”

For more, see this site.

Marriage Media
Week of February 13, 2011
Courtesy of Bill Coffin

1. Talk with Your Spouse Now about Retirement Plans, The Washington Post

From the start, Taylor and Mintzer ask couples to take a 10-question quiz to see if they are in sync. Much like a therapy session, rather than tell people what to do, the authors use exercises and other people’s post- and pre-retirement stories to get couples to think ahead and anticipate areas where they might disagree.

“The structure may help you avoid arguments and have more positive conversations,” they write. “The goal is to clarify what is important to each of you in developing a shared vision for the next part of your life together.”

2. Young Mothers Describe Marriage’s Fading Allure, New York Times

Sixty-three percent of all births to women under 30 in Lorain County occur outside marriage, according to Child Trends, a research center in Washington. That figure has risen by more than two-thirds over the past two decades, and now surpasses the national figure of 53 percent.

Young parents spoke of an economy that was fundamentally different from in their parents’ time, and that required more than a high school education for fathers to be stable breadwinners. They talked of how little they trusted each other to be reliable mates, and of how the government safety net encourages poor parents to stay single.

For more see, For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside Marriage

3. Getting Married? Don’t Fall for These Money Myths, USA Today

What’s more mysterious than love? How about personal finance? In honor of Valentine’s Day, here’s a look at some common myths about marriage and money.

• Myth 1: Marriage will increase my tax bill.
• Myth 2: My future spouse and I can lower our tax bill by filing separate tax returns.
• Myth 3: I don’t have to worry about being held liable for my spouse’s tax misdeeds.
• Myth 4: Getting married could help (or hurt) my credit score.
• Myth 5: As long as we keep our finances separate, I don’t have to worry about my spouse’s credit.

4. Why Do Happy Newlyweds Eventually Divorce?, Huffington Post

Couples who eventually divorced displayed more anger and contempt for their partners. When solving problems, they were more likely to disagree, and blame and invalidate the feelings of each other. In the laboratory, when asked to talk about an aspect of their lives that they would like to change, couples who divorced were more likely to express inappropriate pessimism, discourage the expression of feelings and insist that their partners resolve the situation on their own. Thus, it appears that the difference between these seeming satisfied young couples who divorce and those that don’t may be tied to negative communication and lack of support for each other that may eventually poison a satisfying relationship.

5. One Person Sharpens Another, The New York Times

The trend toward living alone and even living together without a marriage commitment is a drifting change, based on our desire for immediate comfort and happiness. But it ends up destroying the beauty of the human experience.

Sharing all of life with another person is difficult – but it matures us. Only the presence of another person can reveal our selfishness and prompt us toward learning the art of compromise and working together.

The alternative is to retreat into our own world, where we are so absorbed with personal comfort that we can’t be bothered to hear the concerns of another person or be inconvenienced to consider someone else’s needs. Is this what we really want?

6. Should Schools Teach Teens How To Be Good Spouses?, Huffington Post

Clearly there’s a movement to get people — with the help of teachers and counselors — to think before marrying or divorcing. It sounds like a good idea, but do marriage prep courses work? Yes and no, according to a 2010 Brigham Young University study, which examined about 50 such classes around the country. Yes, the classes significantly increased couples’ communication skills. No, the classes didn’t improve relationship quality or satisfaction.

As one researcher noted, “Engaged couples are so in love that they can’t be more satisfied. Their heads are bumping against the ceiling.” Maybe trying to talk sense into young lovers who are about to walk down the aisle is too late. Perhaps we should start talking about what makes for a healthy marriage in high school; at least that’s what the majority of responders in an informal survey Susan Pease Gadoua and I offered as part of our research for our book, “The New I Do,” indicated.

For a high school curriculum in the OJJDP Model Programs Guide, see here.

7. Shame & Empathy by Dr. Brené Brown, Youtube

Connection is our ability to forge meaningful, authentic relationships with other people. I believe connection is the essence of the human experience. It is what breathes life and gives meaning to our lives. If you think about connection on a continuum, anchoring us on this end is empathy. It is what moves to us deep, meaningful relationships. On the other side of the continuum connection is shame. It absolutely unravels our connection and relationships with other people. . . When we are in our best vulnerability, that moves us toward empathy.

For more, see this site.

I’m a bit late putting this up (it ran Feb 13) but the NYT Room for Debate ran several pieces in response to this question, below, including by FamilyScholars blogger and retired Georgia Supreme Court chief justice Leah Ward Sears and by legal scholar Robin Fretwell Wilson, editor of an important book, Reconceiving the Family, that arose out of a project here at the Institute:

This week, New Jersey becomes the latest state to take up a same-sex marriage bill. But the Pew Research Center tells us that fewer Americans are marrying, suggesting that younger people are looking for other ways to define “family.”

Why are lawmakers so hung up on marriage? If fewer Americans are choosing to marry, what are the legal implications for relationships that are based on something other than marriage or parenting?