At the Journal of Law and Inequality, Jonathan Rauch has a new piece, “Red Families, Blue Families, Gay Families, and the Search for the New Normal.”
Archives: July 2010
Rauch on the New Normal
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.26.2010 11:19 AM
Categories: Marriage
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Coontz: Levi Johnston is an insult to working class men
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.22.2010 12:08 PM
At Slate, Stephanie Coontz tells us that working class husbands are more helpful than they used to be.
Categories: Marriage and Money
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Wives and their Mothers-in-Law
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.22.2010 12:01 PM
At CNN, FamilyScholars blogger (and UVA prof) Brad Wilcox weighs in on the Levi/Bristol reunion with his research on parents and marriage. Brad tells me his most interesting finding, in his view, is that couples experience less conflict when the husband’s mother is strongly supportive of the marriage. The wife’s mother’s support does not effect conflict, in his research.
Wives and their mothers-in-law. There’s just something about that relationship. (Knowing how I feel about my little boy, it’s going to take some powerful maturity on my part to give him to another woman someday.)
The Johnston/Palin clan all have some work to do, said one expert.
“If they are going to go forward with the marriage, Levi needs to make some efforts to smooth over relations with his future in-laws,” said Bradford Wilcox, director of The National Marriage Project, an organization based out of the University of Virginia that provides research on marriage. “Likewise, the parents need to make some efforts to restart their relationship with Levi.”
Wilcox, who has studied the impact of in-law relationships on marriages, said married couples with more support from their in-laws tend to encounter less conflict in their marriages.
Categories: Marriage
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‘Spanish clinic gives away embryos from British couples’
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.22.2010 11:48 AM
Having followed the global fertility trade for some years now, it’s hard to shock me any more. The news items tend to fall into familiar themes, startling when you first encounter them but depressingly familiar all too soon.
But today I was shocked when a colleague at another organization sent me this.
This is utterly egregious and, I am not exaggerating, should, I think, be the subject of a diplomatic uproar between these two nations.
Hundreds of British couples could have children that are biologically theirs living with other parents around Europe or across the world without knowing, it has emerged.
A Spanish clinic runs an ‘embryo adoption scheme’ where spare embryos are donated to other women if the couple who created them do not know what they want to do with them or do not respond to correspondence from the clinic.
Furthermore, anonymity rules in Spain means the resulting children cannot trace their biological parents or vice versa. more
Categories: Reproductive Technologies
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The Kids Are Alright
Alana S. 07.22.2010 1:25 AM
Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen The Kids Are Alright yet, maybe you’d like to save this post for your Blackberry reading material on the ride home from the theater.
I saw a lot of myself in this film, even though the movie clearly focused on the struggles of the parents, rather than the kids (not necessarily a bad thing, adults’ stories have a right to exist).
Favorite quotes:
- Jules (Julianne Moore): “The plan was to limit his involvement. I don’t want to timeshare our kids.”
- Laser (son) to Paul (biological father): “Do you want to be buried or cremated?” Paul’s response: “Buried! I don’t want to be diminished into a white creamy substance.” Laser: “What does it matter? You’ll be dead anyways…” Paul: “Yea, but I would want some place for my family to come visit me.”
- Joni (daughter): “I got all A’s. I did everything you wanted so now you can show to everyone what a perfect lesbian family you are.”
Points to Appreciate:
- Sexuality can be complicated and mixed. To cage people into categories of gay and straight and expect them to stay that way forever doesn’t express human sexual behavior justly. You may like strawberry ice-cream most days, but every now and then, its fun to taste a little rocky road- or watch someone else taste it on a big HD TV screen with surround sound.
- Allowing your sperm donor to enter your social circle is messy and generally a bad idea- if you want to keep your marriage intact, don’t let him anywhere near your kids or your pretty wife.
- Marriage is difficult. Managing a household with other human beings brings struggles even when you have love, cash, and straight-A kids.
- Men, especially rugged, careless ones with a strong will to procreate, are not to be trusted. They will steal your woman and jeopardize the safety of your children.
- You don’t always know what you’re getting. Just because Donor Dad said he was studying International Relations on that fill-in-the-blank questionnaire he submitted when he was 19, doesn’t mean he’s much of a brainiac. He may in fact, turn out to be a food-service slacker with no motivation to participate in team sports.
- Your children will not grow up to be younger carbon copies of you nor your sperm donor.
- If you’re a child of sperm donation, you have a choice. You can either seek out your biological father and try to cultivate a relationship with him, or you can maintain loyalty to the parent(s) that raised you. You can not do both simultaneously. Children must pick which parent to let in and love wholly because your social parent most likely will be significantly threatened by the involvement of your biological father.
Disappointments:
I craved further development of the kids’ characters. They brushed on what I felt were central developmental struggles for fatherless kids. Laser’s friend Clay was an example of masculinity run amok: an exceptionally immature, insensitive exhibitionist who got his jollies from skateboarding off roof-tops and urinating on the faces of feral dogs. I wish the point was made clearer that boys with no consistent usher into Manhood, will often separate from their mothers and shape their expression of masculinity in (self) destructive ways.
Joni, the daughter, is obviously having issues with sexuality. She is straight. She wants to go after a male acquaintance of hers, but has no idea how to. This concept was so shallowly touched upon, I have no real idea what the writers’ thoughts are on this subject- though I appreciate their acknowledging it at all. Which brings me to my favorite words from David Blankenhorn’s book, Fatherless America, a.k.a., Alana’s favorite book ever:
Pages 46-47
A father plays a distinctive role in shaping a daughter’s sexual style and her understanding of the male-female bond. A father’s love and involvement builds a daughter’s confidence in her own femininity and contributes to her sense that she is worth loving… Deprived of a stable relationship with a non-exploitative adult male who loves them, these girls can remain developmentally “stuck,” struggling with issues of security and trust that well-fathered girls have already successfully resolved.
He quotes Judith Musick:
The self’s voice in these young women may remain fixed on one basic set of questions… What do I need to do, and who do I need to be, to find a man who won’t abandon me, as the men in my life and my mother’s life have done? …Girls for whom basic acceptance and love are the primary motivating forces have little interest or emotional energy to invest in school or work-related activities unless they are exceptionally bright and talented. Even then, the pull of unmet affiliative or dependency needs may be more powerful than anything the worlds of school or work have to offer.
I plenty understand the limits of a screenplay. A writer only has 100 pages to say what they want to say. Every creator has to work within limitations and I appreciate the perspective of the mothers in this movie- important truths were told. I look forward to more art and media from a child’s perspective, focusing on development and growth, via their point-of-view.
There was only one point in the movie where I cried- Mark Ruffalo, bio-dad, fastens a helmet onto Joni’s head right before he takes her on a sunset ride through the LA basin on his motorcycle. He secures it onto her in a completely sweet moment of father-daughter gentleness and they smile at each other. For some reason the tears just started rolling. I was so envious of Joni in that moment, and not just because I love motorcycles. She was being invited and ushered into an epically joyful piece of masculine culture- and there was absolutely no sexual tension, no quid pro quo. She didn’t have to lead him on or sleep with him to bask in the joys of his masculine universe. That is what it means to be loved by your father.
On the affair:
I don’t feel prepared to assert any significant insights into the complicated entanglements of Jules and Paul’s affair and the great blur of sexuality and procreation. But I will say… the magnetic charge of a man is likely to increase if you make children with him. I found myself wishing desperately that Jules would break up with Nic to be with Paul. Oh how lucky Laser would be for the two people that made him to fall in love and get together. Of course, such a move would dismantle the entire micro-utopia Jules and Nic worked for so many years to create. So for person A and B to win, that means person C, D, and (B?) will have to lose. Someone always gets left out. And fathers just make things messy anyways.
Oy-vey.
Categories: Fatherhood, General, Marriage, My Daddy's Name is Donor, Reproductive Technologies
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Pixar Porn
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.22.2010 12:04 AM
For years I didn’t watch kids’ movies. Then I had kids — a boy and girl, now 6 and 7. I take them to the theaters. Sometimes I remember to bring ear plugs. I treasure the really funny stuff, like the Ice Age movies. I groan (quietly) through others. Half the time I leave with a headache. But the kids love it and it gets us out the house for a while.
I’m having a hard time though. Because I’ve had it up to HERE with animated female characters in G or PGÂ children’s movies who look like porn stars. When I was growing up there was an outcry about Barbie’s figure, that it was unrealistic, impossible to attain, and damaging to little girls’ body images. Where is the outcry about these movies and the wholly unrealistic (their waists are no bigger than my little finger, their breasts resemble those cosmetically enhanced) and hyper-sexualized (they’re all dressed in cat suits)Â images of women they are giving our little girls and boys?
I was doing some googling and found interesting recent work funded by the actress Geena Davis. In a brief co-published by a scholar at the Annenberg school, they find, among other things, that in children’s movies:
Fewer than one out of three (28%) of the speaking characters (both real and animated) are female.
More than four out of five (83%) of the films’ narrators are male.
Style of presentation affects how females are featured in G-rated films. Animated females are more likely to be shown in a thin and sexy light than are live action females.
And in children’s television:
Similar to our other studies, we observed significant deviation in alluring attire and body shape variables. Females are almost four times as likely as males to be shown in sexy attire. Further, females are nearly twice as likely as males to be shown with a diminutive waist line. Unrealistic figures are more likely to be seen on females than males.
The summary of their major findings is available here.
Categories: Childhood
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‘Donor-Conceived Individuals’ Right to Know’
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.21.2010 2:07 PM
At the Bioethics Forum, an online publication of The Hastings Center, Vardit Ravitsky of the University of Montreal and Joanna Scheib of the University of California-Davis and the Sperm Bank of California write on “Donor-Conceived Individuals’ Right to Know” and the challenges of doing research on this population:
…First, research conducted with parents who used a donor to create their families shows that most do not tell their children the truth about the circumstances of their conception. This is true even in countries that have banned anonymity. Those who do not know that they are donor-conceived cannot be recruited to participate in research, which creates an insurmountable limitation to the study sample in any research on the life experiences of donor offspring.
Second, confidentiality issues make recruitment of this population exceptionally challenging and sample sizes are typically small (even the larger studies include less than 100 participants).
Third, typical recruitment strategies of research participants through support networks may lead to a significant selection bias, as it is likely that individuals are members of such networks precisely because they are suffering from identity issues or have specific interests.
Finally, because of these challenges, and because the majority of people with donor origins are still relatively young, no longitudinal studies (the gold standard in social science research) have been completed that would ideally follow individuals throughout life and record the impact of their unique status on various life stages and transitions.
Despite these challenges data have been consistently accumulating over the past decade from small studies conducted in different countries indicating that indeed donor-conceived individuals have a strong interest in having access to information about their donors…
They then write about several samples including that of the 485 donor offspring reported in My Daddy’s Name is Donor.
Categories: My Daddy's Name is Donor
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Response from Eric Blyth
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.21.2010 9:32 AM
Eric Blyth posted this comment at FamilyScholars. With his permission I am moving the comment to the main page so that more readers can see it.
Eric Blyth: I have read these comments with interest and especially Elizabeth Marquardt’s response to the original criticism of the report posted by Wendy Kramer and myself. Having carefully read what Elizabeth has written, she has done nothing to dispel our original concerns. As it happens, we did have other issues with the report and about which we did not write because of word length limitations. It is a pity that Elizabeth has descended to personal attack, speculation and unfounded assumptions concerning Wendy and myself; we did not do this in our original Commentary and I do not intend to do so now. There was a single error in our original piece – where we referred to the Commission on Parenthood’s Future as a Christian organization. It was certainly not our intention to cause offence in so doing. Indeed, as an active Christian myself, nothing could have been further from my mind. In any event, this error was corrected and apologized for as soon as it was drawn to our attention. Finally, I seem to have got off lightly in the “scholar” v “activist” debate. Since I campaigned with others for 15 years to secure the abolition of gamete donor anonymity in the UK, perhaps I should also declare my role as an “activist”.
He is responding to this post of yesterday.
Categories: My Daddy's Name is Donor
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BioNews correction
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.20.2010 12:14 PM
Dr. Kirsty Horsey, reproduction editor of BioNews, has posted a correction to the Blyth/Kramer critique of yesterday, which incorrectly referred to the Commission on Parenthood’s Future as a “Christian” organization.
Categories: General
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Responding to Eric Blyth and Wendy Kramer’s critique of “My Daddy’s Name is Donor” at BioNews
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.20.2010 11:47 AM
A response to “My Daddy’s Name is Donor: Read With Caution!” by Eric Blyth and Wendy Kramer, published by BioNews (U.K.), July 19, 2010
By Elizabeth Marquardt, co-investigator, My Daddy’s Name is Donor
Eric Blyth and Wendy Kramer respond to our report, My Daddy’s Name is Donor: A New Study of Young Adults Conceived Through Sperm Donation, in a BioNews Commentary titled: “My Daddy’s Name is Donor: Read With Caution!” Given that the educated readers of BioNews probably learned long ago that critical reading skills should be applied to anything that purports to be non-fiction, the subtitle would seem to be overkill, but apparently the editors at BioNews and the authors themselves believed otherwise.
The commentary by Blyth and Kramer contains at least one blatant error and appears mainly to reflect their anxiety that new researchers and new voices are entering a field and leading a debate that until now has been led by themselves and a familiar set of international colleagues. They should prepare themselves, because as the global fertility trade continues to explode, there will continue to be greater scrutiny by an ever-widening set of scholars who will bring their own questions and concerns to the debate.
Now, to deal directly with the error, charges, and concerns in their commentary. Read More
Categories: My Daddy's Name is Donor
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Organ Harvesting
Alana S. 07.20.2010 9:43 AM
I was walking through Queens’ K-Town yesterday, the second largest Korean community in the US- I feel a connection to Korean culture since that is the country my parents bought my older sister from, before they knew about sperm donation…
I came across this table filled with brochures and horrific images set up by a small group of concerned citizens attempting to educate and spread awareness about an alarming human rights violation in China: government sponsored organ harvesting against the Falun Gong practitioners of mainland China.
On poster-board, they displayed a large image of a skinny young man sprawled lifeless on a cot- three, long, thick sutures branched out from where his heart would be- like the inner-filling of a peace sign, though peace was farthest from the conjured sentiment of the image. He was a Chinese Falun Gong practitioner, an officially de-humanized demographic- a voiceless, non-member of mainstream China.
The front page of the brochure I picked up illustrates the human body and displays the price point associated with each body part, if one is in the market for a particular type of human tissue…
Cornea: $30,000. Lung: $150-170,000. Kidney: $62,000. Liver: $98-130,000. Pancreas: $150,000. Heart: $130-160,ooo. The tag-line above the menu read, “Is the value of a human life… equal only to the sum of its parts?”
Do we do anything like that here in America?
I realize that my mom and her husband didn’t physically kill my father to exploit his “tissue” when creating me. And even though it hurt like hell when I sold my eggs, I did it consciously and voluntarily and I’m still here to talk about it. But violence or no violence, voluntarily or involuntarily, indeed what is the value of a human life? And if we don’t hold such a thing sacred, is there anything left at all to spare from the choke of capitalism?
Organ harvesting is an intense brand of human exploitation. In honor of that dead man on the table, may redemption come quick.
Categories: General
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Birthdays
Alana S. 07.19.2010 8:29 PM
So this Friday I turned 24- an elegant number for what will hopefully be an elegant year. There were some choice details I’d like to share if I’m allowed. I feel like its appropriate to write about how I celebrated my birth, after I’ve been complaining about it so much…
First, the facebook notes ensued. I had long lost friends from all over the globe wish me a quick gefeliciteerd, or grattis födelsedagen or a joyeuse anniversair- delightful in any language. Then the phone calls: close friends, Sister, Mom… “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…” her song went. Mom’s voice, followed by my little brother’s delivered two separate “I love you’s” and “good-bye’s” (no step-dad in the audio-mix). When I was a kid I used to revel in imagery of my mom sacrificing her body, joy and resources for my soul benefit. I imagined her delivering me in a frightening hospital, with a stranger doctor invading her privacy as he tried to do his job. She would be pained and regretful. Then I would try to imagine how much money she’s spent on me in a lifetime. I thought of what seemed like a huge number, one thousand. I bet she’s spent at least one thousand dollars on me. I would always comment to her every birthday, “Mom, thank you so much for giving birth to me.” This year I didn’t say those words. I chose to rephrase my gratitude. Instead, I said, “Mom, thanks for loving me and giving me so much of yourself.”
It’s not that I’m ungrateful for an array of precious moments my life has privileged me to; it’s just that I’m not sure life and birth in itself deserves celebration, but rather, the successful delivery and development of a life force: human energy.
I joke with one of our readers, Dawn, who once made the comment, “I don’t understand why donor kids don’t just go out and enjoy life more- like go to the beach!” I understand her point, it often accompanies the ever-so-common question from anyone and everyone who was not donor-conceived, “so you’re saying you wish you’d never been born?” Which places me in a position where I’m forced to measure and weigh my positive vs. negative life experiences and make a judgment call to total strangers about whether or not my life itself has been worth living.
I don’t know how I pulled it off, but this year’s birthday party added mega points into the “worth it” bucket. Bare with me, I’m about to brag a little. We converted my garden-backyard into a performance stage and invited Brooklyn’s finest to celebrate my existence with music, cake, and freshly bloomed sunflowers. Jenny Wilson, pretty much one of my favorite musicians of all time, not yet well-known in the US, but one of Sweden’s A-list female performers, somehow wandered into my party and gave us an unexpected, and much cherished performance.
I bonded with her on my shared Swedish roots- so thankful to have the real stories of my ancestors from my mom’s side. It makes bonding with my favorite Swedish Indie-pop stars so much easier. “How do you speak any Swedish?” she asked. “Well… my family founded this town called Swedeborg see…” I talked about going to the cobble-stone pier in Göteborg, where 90% of all Swedish immigrants boarded and left for America. I talked about what a mistake my ancestors made in immigrating- if they had only stayed I wouldn’t have to sell precious items like my guitar or my eggs just to get a little dental work every so often.
It’s so nice to know where you come from. It’s so nice to know who you come from. For times like this very special birthday I just experienced, when feelings of isolation disappear and connections are made with people I respect and admire, the bucket tips and it becomes worth it.
But what about all the Polish pop stars I’m not bonding with because of my ignorance of that other half of me!
Categories: General
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Watching “The Kids…”
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.19.2010 5:52 PM
I just finished watching “The Kids are Alright.” It is ambivalent, real, moving.
The credits are rolling.
More to come.
Categories: General
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Blyth and Kramer
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.19.2010 2:18 PM
I’m in Chicago today and will be writing a response tonight, when I’m back at my computer, to the Blyth/Kramer critique which I have seen and which Naomi linked to below.
Categories: General
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From BioNews: the Blyth/Kramer Critique of “My Daddy’s Name is Donor”
Naomi Cahn 07.19.2010 2:10 PM
Eric Blyth, a Professor of Social Work at the University of Huddersfield, and Wendy Kramer, founder of the Donor Sibling Registry, recently published, ‘My Daddy’s Name is Donor’: Read with caution! here. The article provides a useful analysis of the Report, addressing its strengths and weaknesses.
In one of their early paragraphs, Professor Blyth and Ms. Kramer note that they are in “alignment with the authors’ desire to acknowledge donor-conceived people’s right to access their ancestral, genetic and biological background.” They then provide a detailed discussion of some of their “serious misgivings” about the report. Their “major concern with the report is the authors’ extensive misrepresentation of their own data so as to best promote their message that donor conception is ‘bad’, even when their own evidence doesn’t support it.”
Categories: General, My Daddy's Name is Donor
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Motherless
Elizabeth Marquardt 07.18.2010 12:31 AM
We’d been instructed by our surrogacy agency not to use the “m-word.” “This child will have two fathers,” the staff member scolded. “He or she will have an egg donor and a surrogate, but no mother!”
Categories: General, Motherhood
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The key is commitment.
Alana S. 07.17.2010 6:39 PM
Dan Gilbert gives a speech on happiness at Ted.com.
Freedom to choose is the end of synthetic happiness
On marriage: For folks who enter a marriage thinking, “well if it goes wrong and I decide I don’t like them anymore, I can always get a divorce and find someone better…” Will they really be happier? Probably not. It seems for those of us who are “stuck” with something (or someone) we make the best of what we’ve been given, find the poetry, and learn to love it. Because we have to.
I got in a heated debate yesterday with my four roommates (all around 24, typical middle-class white kids interested in the arts). “I wish my parents had gotten a divorce” one said, “they would have been so much happier apart.” But would they have been? Would the split in financial security, the constant schlepping of children, and the scary search for a new someone really have been a trade up? Where does happiness come from? Is love instant? If it comes fast and swift can’t it be taken away just as quickly? Do we cultivate it? Does it thrive through attention? Do we attach ourselves to that one someone or that one idea, feed it, nurture it, and watch it develop through time and dedication?
If society tells us its okay to quit and start over, as often as we’d like- constantly trading up for better features, a newer model, are we being taught a raw lesson?
The key is commitment.
And as far as donor conception goes: parents, that shiny new kid ain’t gonna make you happy. Happiness is like an orgasm. You can’t expect someone else to provide one for you. You’re responsible for your own.
Categories: General
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Polyandry
David Blankenhorn 07.17.2010 10:21 AM
An article in today’s NYTs reports that polyandry — a very rare form of marriage in which a woman can marry multiple men (usually brothers) — has all but vanished in those areas of India in which it was long practiced. According to most scholars, polyandry seems to be primarily an adaptation of the marriage institution to very harsh and unusual  geographic and economic conditions. And, once at least some of those conditions shift, as they have done in recent decades in those areas of India, the marriage institution tends to revert rather quickly to its customary form.Â
When I was doing research in the anthropology of marriage, I saw precisely this pattern with respect to the Nayars, also of India, who also, during one lengthy period of their history, had what can only be called highly unusual patterns of (sorta-kinda) marriage and family formation.
Such an explanation of why such things emerge, and then go away, doesn’t make the diversity of marriage forms any less … diverse, but it does help us to understand that, running through the center of all this amazing diversity is one, foundational marriage template that exists across time and across cultures, essentially oriented to establishing “who are the parents of this child.”
Categories: General
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