Generally, we twenty-somethings are grateful for parental guidance. With the economy the way it is, and so many recent college grads working as baristas at Starbucks or servers at Outback, we are glad to accept all the help we can get from the older generation. However, there is one area in which some of us—though we appreciate the advice—do not always agree with our parents about: romantic relationships.
I was sipping an iced green tea at a Barnes and Noble Café with a friend of mine the other day. The romance novels—the ones with pictures of bare-chested men and steamy titles, the ones that middle aged women tend to read—lined the shelves behind us. My friend, we’ll call her Ashley, is a recent college grad and talented writer, who is now working in a paid-by-the-hour secretarial position. She was telling me about her recent work difficulties. Should she try harder to find a job with better pay? Was she just not trying hard enough, as her mom seemed to think? Surely she could at least find a salaried position?
These questions are especially acute for Ashley because she is engaged. Her fiancé is finishing up his last year of college, with a major in history, so the couple does not expect to have a large income anytime soon. Since they have to pay for the wedding themselves, they are planning on waiting for at least two years before they marry, but even that seems too fast for their parents. It’s not that they object to the couple marrying—it is obvious to anyone who meets them that they are mature individuals with a great friendship and deep love for one another—but just not yet.
So what is their advice instead?
1. “Don’t rush it.”
Ashley is not—they are waiting two years—and she will be 24 when they marry: “But we know we want to get married. He is my best friend, and I can’t see myself with anyone else. So why not make it public?”
2. “Get a good job first.”
In this economy?! With unemployment so high, how are we supposed to compete with people who have many more years of experience than us? If we listen to this advice, it might be a while before any of us 20 somethings get married.
3. “Get financially stable.”
What does this mean? Adults refer to “financial stability” with superstitious reverence, yet the term seems shrouded in mystery to me. Does this mean owning a home and being free of debt? Affording basic necessities, or being able to splurge on a vacation? Why isn’t it enough to be a responsible person who knows how to manage finances and is willing to work hard?
And anyway, how does marriage impede reaching this sacred goal of financial stability? Doesn’t it help? In a recent conversation with a woman who has lived with her partner off and on for the past 12 years, she told me that marriage would be cheaper because they could share health and car insurance, instead of paying two bills. For this couple, the fear of an expensive divorce and the view that marriage is “just a piece of paper” keeps them from marrying, rather than any roadblocks to financial stability.
4. “Live together first.”
This is a common injunction, and it often comes with a warning: “If you don’t you might end up living with a slob!” But, you don’t have to live with someone to find out if he likes the toilet paper rolled under or over, or to see if he is capable of closing the toilet seat—spending time with someone is usually enough to realize those things and to get a general sense of cleanliness. And despite the popular wisdom out there, studies show that living together before marriage doesn’t improve your odds at marital success. In fact, there is evidence to suggest that it actually increases your likelihood of divorce.
5. “Take a break and date other people.”
This is the advice Ashley heard from her cousin who has had 30 plus boyfriends. This kind of advice might work if you are talking about Baskin Robbins: try all 31 flavors to see which is your favorite! (Although you might have a hard time deciding, and your favorite will probably change with each passing day or mood.) However, there is no way you can possible “try” every single man or woman out there. Instead of imparting a feeling of certainty, this kind of exhaustive search tends to end in confusion and heartbreak.
6. “Take time to grow on your own first.”
I like what Ashley said: “It’s all about self-development, and self-growth, and self-this or that…it’s all so self-ish!” Ashley realizes that her relationship with her fiancé is not just about her needs and development. It is also about him, and because she loves him she wants to grow with him.
The paradox is that the narcissistic search for the perfect partner leaves people restless and dissatisfied. High expectations are good if they help one discern a good future spouse: someone who is reliable, a loyal friend, hard working, kind, etc. But what about high expectations that make one think that finding a soul mate is like looking for a needle in a haystack, and that the way to know when you’ve found the one is by the magical eye connection and stomach butterflies? These are the expectations that lead people to treat partners like old pairs of shoes, to discard with changing tastes or preferences, and that ultimately leave people disillusioned and lonely after a lifetime of breakups.
Falling in love is wonderful, but it is different from the kind of sustainable love and affection that comes from sharing and building a life together. Sometimes it seems like the baby boomers need to be reminded that love is more than a feeling. Sometimes it seems like our parents are trying to tell us to hold on to their failed romantic dreams. “Shop around just so that you are sure that he is the one who will always make you happy, and always make your heart beat faster!” We really do appreciate the concern, but what we wish they could see is that maybe unrealistic expectations for perpetual romance have contributed to their unhappy unions and higher rates of divorce. I think our grandparents, many of whom got married young, are right on this one: they realized that happy marriages, above all, demand unwavering commitment through the financial and emotional vicissitudes of life. And now, they’re the ones celebrating their 60th anniversaries.
Categories: Dating, Mating, Hooking Up, Marriage, Marriage and Money
I think our grandparents, many of whom got married young, are right on this one: they realized that happy marriages, above all, demand unwavering commitment through the financial and emotional vicissitudes of life.
Your grandparents married early because (a) people died early (b) women had so few options that marriage was the main means of supporting them and (c) they married because they were coming out of a war era.
Lots of people who married in 1950 got divorced, including the ones who married early. That your grandparents made it to their 60th anniversary probably has little to do with marrying early, but maybe inspite of it.
Let me add that you are right that baby boomers may not have the answers, but millenials aren’t likely oracles of wisdom on relationship either, given the evidence we have. The research shows that the earlier people marry, the higher their risk of divorce. Now that may not mean people who are 24, but people are right to be concerned about this notion that marrying off people at 18 means they will reach their 60th anniversary.
I think it is a very bad idea to marry too young. (Defining “too” is the tricky part, but I think people don’t really grow up until they are at least 28 to 30.) I also think it is a very good idea to live together before marrying. That experience tells one a great deal about compatibility in a way that simply dating does not.
Obviously, some people who marry young and who have never lived together create great marriages, but they are either lucky or very determined and resilient.
The question of financial stability is an interesting one, especially now that so many people graduate from college with large debts.
It is important to realize that people have different expectations as far as how much money they need.
My in-laws have 8 children: one is a physician and one is a musician. It turns out that the physician married another physician and the musician married another musician. They are all doing well, but the joke in the family was that they would have rather had the musician marry a physician and the physician marry a musician just so their earning potential would be more even.
My husband and I fell in love while he was in law school and I was in graduate school. We started dating soon after we met and then moved in together just a few months later. I think we both knew quite early that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but the experience of living together solidified our relationship. (Of course, we had no idea then that we would ever be able to marry, but we certainly would not have been willing to take that step had we not had the experience of living together.)
Money is a crucial issue for any couple, probably the issue that most often leads to divorce. The issue is not so much the amount of money a couple has, but the attitudes toward money that the individuals have.
I come from a very poor family, and my husband comes from a very affluent family. That created problems early in our relationship because, as a result of early privation, I am very conservative about money and very cautious about spending. We had to work on accommodating our different attitudes toward money, reconciling my innate frugality with his more optimistic attitude and needs.
I don’t think he realizes what a luxury it is not to have to worry about money because he never had to, while even though we are very comfortable by any objective standard, I nevertheless worry about such things as whether our college fund for our boy will be large enough when he’s ready to apply to college.
The point is that couples need to be honest with each other about their material needs and goals.
Thanks for your comments. The main point of this piece, though, is not to argue that people should get married young. In fact, I’m wary of making that kind of blanket statement, since in today’s world many young adults are taking longer to mature. The main point is to argue that what matters most in marriage is a commitment to one another, and that if a couple is mature and is committed to one another in their early twenties (I know many such couples), they should not be discouraged from getting married. Often the advice of baby boomers (i.e. try out as many people as you can before you get married so that you are sure you have found “the one”) does not set a person up well for a lifetime of commitment. Instead of teaching people how to love unconditionally and to grow together, it makes it easy for people to see relationships selfishly and to view other people as products in a marketplace: “How will this person benefit me and make me happy?” This is not a good foundation for a marriage.
Also, I am aware that not everyone who married young in the 1950s had happy marriages. I was just trying to use this generation as an example of how getting married in your early twenties does not inevitably end in disaster.
Amber, you are certainly right that a good marriage has to be built on commitment. And I would not discourage a young couple who are certain of their commitment from getting married. I do think living together helps and so does a clear-eyed agreement about their financial prospects.
I always wonder how can you date someone seriously and really not know their spending habits? You would think after several months one will get an idea of another person’s financial lifestyle? It doesn’t mean asking for a credit report necessary, but month to month know how they spend their money. Unless you’re the person with something to hide?
Personally I wouldn’t want to wait until I living with someone to just try it out, by that time it’s probably too late and he would have ruined your credit and drained your income. I’m pretty sure I want to know that behavior well before hand. If a man doesn’t have his ‘act’ together walk away… the sooner the better.
Maybe I’ve just seen enough Judge Judy.
Yes, you can learn a lot about someone from their spending habits while dating. But I think even more important is learning about expectations and aspirations that involve money.
Would you be content living a modest lifestyle or do you have more extravagant needs? If the latter, perhaps you shouldn’t marry a teacher or someone whose earning ability might be limited. Do you mind if your spouse earns more than you do? Would you be disappointed in your spouse if on your tenth anniversary you were still paying off college loans?
When people are dating, they often don’t think about such long-term aspirations. It may be romantic living in a garret when you are in college, but suppose the talented artist you are in love with is never able to sell his paintings? Would you expect him or her to get a “real job” so they can support your children? Or would you be content living on a single, modest salary? (And if you insisted that your artist got a 9-to-5 job, would he come to blame you for his frustration and unhappiness?)
I think these are the questions on which a lot of marriages founder. So people should be very hardnosed about them before they marry.
All the artists I know are really well off or on their way to becoming so.
We get a bad stigma.
Careers are about commitment too sometimes.
Amber, thank you for writing this piece. We’ve talked about this before. You know I’m in agreement on this one.
People are not products, though we often treat them as such.
I want a husband with extra cup-holders and built-in mp3 player.
Whether you date for years or days, a lot of it is boils down to timing…a time to want to be committed. People who meet and have similar values (and usually the value that is most important is that “we” are in this together) can swim against a culture that seems to make light of marriage. I would encourage a young couple committed to one another to take the plunge. Its all about the journey together and the memories made, shared and treasured that keep a relationship warm when life is a struggle. Its usually in the struggles together, like in the trenches, that relationships can become closer. Those long-term couples who say they never fought are either lying or can’t remember. I prefer to remember how we got through it all and still do. The old cliche has some truth: getting married is easy, staying married is work, but pays big dividends!