Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen The Kids Are Alright yet, maybe you’d like to save this post for your Blackberry reading material on the ride home from the theater.
I saw a lot of myself in this film, even though the movie clearly focused on the struggles of the parents, rather than the kids (not necessarily a bad thing, adults’ stories have a right to exist).
Favorite quotes:
- Jules (Julianne Moore): “The plan was to limit his involvement. I don’t want to timeshare our kids.”
- Laser (son) to Paul (biological father): “Do you want to be buried or cremated?” Paul’s response: “Buried! I don’t want to be diminished into a white creamy substance.” Laser: “What does it matter? You’ll be dead anyways…” Paul: “Yea, but I would want some place for my family to come visit me.”
- Joni (daughter): “I got all A’s. I did everything you wanted so now you can show to everyone what a perfect lesbian family you are.”
Points to Appreciate:
- Sexuality can be complicated and mixed. To cage people into categories of gay and straight and expect them to stay that way forever doesn’t express human sexual behavior justly. You may like strawberry ice-cream most days, but every now and then, its fun to taste a little rocky road- or watch someone else taste it on a big HD TV screen with surround sound.
- Allowing your sperm donor to enter your social circle is messy and generally a bad idea- if you want to keep your marriage intact, don’t let him anywhere near your kids or your pretty wife.
- Marriage is difficult. Managing a household with other human beings brings struggles even when you have love, cash, and straight-A kids.
- Men, especially rugged, careless ones with a strong will to procreate, are not to be trusted. They will steal your woman and jeopardize the safety of your children.
- You don’t always know what you’re getting. Just because Donor Dad said he was studying International Relations on that fill-in-the-blank questionnaire he submitted when he was 19, doesn’t mean he’s much of a brainiac. He may in fact, turn out to be a food-service slacker with no motivation to participate in team sports.
- Your children will not grow up to be younger carbon copies of you nor your sperm donor.
- If you’re a child of sperm donation, you have a choice. You can either seek out your biological father and try to cultivate a relationship with him, or you can maintain loyalty to the parent(s) that raised you. You can not do both simultaneously. Children must pick which parent to let in and love wholly because your social parent most likely will be significantly threatened by the involvement of your biological father.
Disappointments:
I craved further development of the kids’ characters. They brushed on what I felt were central developmental struggles for fatherless kids. Laser’s friend Clay was an example of masculinity run amok: an exceptionally immature, insensitive exhibitionist who got his jollies from skateboarding off roof-tops and urinating on the faces of feral dogs. I wish the point was made clearer that boys with no consistent usher into Manhood, will often separate from their mothers and shape their expression of masculinity in (self) destructive ways.
Joni, the daughter, is obviously having issues with sexuality. She is straight. She wants to go after a male acquaintance of hers, but has no idea how to. This concept was so shallowly touched upon, I have no real idea what the writers’ thoughts are on this subject- though I appreciate their acknowledging it at all. Which brings me to my favorite words from David Blankenhorn’s book, Fatherless America, a.k.a., Alana’s favorite book ever:
Pages 46-47
A father plays a distinctive role in shaping a daughter’s sexual style and her understanding of the male-female bond. A father’s love and involvement builds a daughter’s confidence in her own femininity and contributes to her sense that she is worth loving… Deprived of a stable relationship with a non-exploitative adult male who loves them, these girls can remain developmentally “stuck,” struggling with issues of security and trust that well-fathered girls have already successfully resolved.
He quotes Judith Musick:
The self’s voice in these young women may remain fixed on one basic set of questions… What do I need to do, and who do I need to be, to find a man who won’t abandon me, as the men in my life and my mother’s life have done? …Girls for whom basic acceptance and love are the primary motivating forces have little interest or emotional energy to invest in school or work-related activities unless they are exceptionally bright and talented. Even then, the pull of unmet affiliative or dependency needs may be more powerful than anything the worlds of school or work have to offer.
I plenty understand the limits of a screenplay. A writer only has 100 pages to say what they want to say. Every creator has to work within limitations and I appreciate the perspective of the mothers in this movie- important truths were told. I look forward to more art and media from a child’s perspective, focusing on development and growth, via their point-of-view.
There was only one point in the movie where I cried- Mark Ruffalo, bio-dad, fastens a helmet onto Joni’s head right before he takes her on a sunset ride through the LA basin on his motorcycle. He secures it onto her in a completely sweet moment of father-daughter gentleness and they smile at each other. For some reason the tears just started rolling. I was so envious of Joni in that moment, and not just because I love motorcycles. She was being invited and ushered into an epically joyful piece of masculine culture- and there was absolutely no sexual tension, no quid pro quo. She didn’t have to lead him on or sleep with him to bask in the joys of his masculine universe. That is what it means to be loved by your father.
On the affair:
I don’t feel prepared to assert any significant insights into the complicated entanglements of Jules and Paul’s affair and the great blur of sexuality and procreation. But I will say… the magnetic charge of a man is likely to increase if you make children with him. I found myself wishing desperately that Jules would break up with Nic to be with Paul. Oh how lucky Laser would be for the two people that made him to fall in love and get together. Of course, such a move would dismantle the entire micro-utopia Jules and Nic worked for so many years to create. So for person A and B to win, that means person C, D, and (B?) will have to lose. Someone always gets left out. And fathers just make things messy anyways.
Oy-vey.
Categories: Fatherhood, General, Marriage, My Daddy's Name is Donor, Reproductive Technologies
Comments (23)
I am possibly insufficiently post-modern to appreciate the joy of this kind of meta-analysis, but I think it is worth mentioning that the characters are not archetypes (i.e. Mark Ruffalo’s character is not “The Donor”, but is a flawed man who is *this* donor). Not that I really want to stop people from riffing on the cultural and existential significance of this movie’s presentation of The Donor” or “The Lesbian” or “The DC Kid”…. it just seems distracting rather than edifying to me.
Anyway, I am looking forward to more movies on these themes because there are so many permutations of POV and situation that are possible. For example, imagine how this movie would be different if the donor character was better suited to William H Macy or Steve Carrell. I am going to restrain myself a bit until I see the movie, but my initial sense of Mark Rufflo’s character is as a boy pretending to be a man (which is important to *this* story but isn’t the only way to be).
As an aside, I think for a father to love a daughter means being able to bask in the glow of her feminine universe at least some of the time, too. I might take my girl out on a motorcycle some day, but I will be going to a lot of princesses films in the meantime. It’s not a chore, it is an opportunity. I wish we could find a language to make that clear.
Finally, apropos of nothing, the thing I don’t like about either embalming or cremation is that it will turn my body into toxic waste. Better to be dragged out to the woods for the scavengers or a shallow grave for a little dignified decomposition.
She was being invited and ushered into an epically joyful piece of masculine culture- and there was absolutely no sexual tension, no quid pro quo. She didn’t have to lead him on or sleep with him to bask in the joys of his masculine universe. That is what it means to be loved by your father.
I thought there was some sexual tension between them. I thought she was attracted to him and he to her, and they had to ignore those feelings and push them out of their heads because they knew that’d be creepy. But I don’t think the natural father-daughter relationship was there, because don’t those require the father to see the child develop from a baby, change her diapers, buy her clothes, etc? I worried that the movie was going to get creepy. And now I worry that it probably happens quite often. What does the research say about donor-child incestuous relationships?
Sexuality can be complicated and mixed. To cage people into categories of gay and straight and expect them to stay that way forever doesn’t express human sexual behavior justly. You may like strawberry ice-cream most days, but every now and then, its fun to taste a little rocky road- or watch someone else taste it on a big HD TV screen with surround sound.
It’s worth noting this is largely a female trait. Men may slip- and slide around the Kinsey scale for a few years of adolescence and post-adolescence but things largely get set by ones early 20s. Married men who are having sex with men aren’t really tasting rock-road ice cream as much as they feel stuck with strawberry even though they hate it, but rocky road has a bad reputation and therefore can’t admit they like it.
I found myself wishing desperately that Jules would break up with Nic to be with Paul. Oh how lucky Laser would be for the two people that made him to fall in love and get together.
Because the mom who has raised you really doesn’t count for anything now that motorcycle bad-boy has shown on the scene and broken up the sapphic energy. Would Laser really be better off if Jules and Nic got divorced, losing one of the people who has raised her since birth?
It’s fascinating that in your review, Nic doesn’t even exist. Tossed aside like a divorced dad even though she’s a victim of infidelity.
I also wonder how many “happy ever afters” there really would be in these scenarios. The research shows most adopted children find the reemergence of bio mom not to be all that a satisfying an experience. Despite the magnetic draw of masculinity, it’s hard to fathom most kids would find their lives transformed by the re-emergence of daddy given what we already know about adopted children.
I did wonder how the movie would be if Nic was Nick, an infertile father instead of a lesbian mother. In that case, he wouldn’t be related to either child, instead of being related to one (how common is their “each-have-a-baby-by the-same-donor” scheme?) so he would still probably feel even more threatened by Paul taking on a parenting role. But maybe the kids wouldn’t have felt the need for a father figure, either. Unless of course, they divorced by then, which a lot of sperm-donated marriages do.
Another thought I had was that, though the kids and moms have an alternative word “sperm donor” they can use instead of “father”, there really isn’t a similar word that Paul can use about his daughter. She’s just his daughter, no one says she’s only his “sperm recipient” or “offspring” or “progeny”, which are words we use here sometimes, but I don’t think could possibly be used by Paul to describe his daughter.
You’re right Peter, that was a poorly chosen sentence.
He would not benefit from having the only two parents he’s ever known break up.
It’s too bad Jules and Paul couldn’t keep it platonic- if mom and dad had been able to keep sex and children separate and maintained a business-like professionalism then perhaps the kids wouldn’t have to block his calls and they could continue to play basketball every now and then without profoundly offending one of the moms.
So dad is a jerk that we all hate. And now that the kids hate him too we can forget he exists and go back to the way things were.
Just as Laser was ditching Clay- his closest male activity partner and a noted “tool”, and developing healthy expressions of masculinity with his new dad, the affair happens and sabotages any possibility of Laser continuing to spend time with his dad while simultaneously honoring his mother Nic, someone who has raised him since birth.
I didn’t mean to paint Nic as unimportant. Clearly she’s an invested mother with a lot of love to give.
But kids can’t have a relationship with their biological fathers without offending SOMEBODY.
This is powerful. I waited to read your piece until I’d finished a draft of a little review I’m writing up. Now we need to get a review from you placed somewhere! I’m so glad to see the movie through your eyes.
Peter, the movie deals plenty with Nic. Alana dealt with the movie as she saw/felt it. Nic gets her movie. Alana gets her blog post. End of story.
If it makes you happy, Peter, I thought the scene in which Nic realizes the affair, and she’s sitting at the table — I thought that scene was one of the most powerful movie scenes, ever.
And I identified with Nic’s anxiety and prickliness and fear of loss.
I also identified with Jules’ “I just want to love everybody and be nice” ditziness.
These were well done characters.
I did wonder how the movie would be if Nic was Nick, an infertile father instead of a lesbian mother.
I bet the “happily ever after” fantasy of a divorce and remarriage to biodad wouldn’t be nearly as appealing.
“But kids can’t have a relationship with their biological fathers without offending SOMEBODY.”
And? Yeah, it sucks, but it’s nothing a little damning of torpedos won’t fix. hmm…”fix” is the wrong word. address? change? make worse? (my impulsivity has gotten me into trouble…on occasion). Still. Look, I reunited with my sister and offended all sorts of people doing it and the relationship hasn’t yet been all I hoped. BUT, even if there are dissatisfactions and new toxins, some of the old ones have been made irrelevant and it’s nowhere near perfect but it’s better. No free lunches and no happily ever afters (but there is some value in in a-bit-less-angsty ever afters). Frankly, I suspect that is what I will take away from the movie, but that’s what I will bring to the theater, too.
The thing I find interesting about all of the what-ifs is that they tell us that there are so many more good stories here with even a tweak here and there. what if Paul kept it tragically unrequited? what if Paul only dug Asian chicks? what if Paul just manned up a bit? what if Nic kicked his ass and then forgave him? I am looking forward to your screenplay.
A lesbian friend of mine found the heterosexual scene disturbing and attributed it to box office nervousness on the part of the filmmakers. Interestingly, last year’s *A Single Man,* also featuring Julianne Moore, altered its source (the novel by Christopher Isherwood) in order to make its protagonist, a gay man, bisexual, and his close female friend (Moore) attempts to seduce him. (In the novel, the friendship is completely platonic.) Despite the crossover success of films like *Brokeback Mountain* and *Milk,* filmmakers think that they must include a heterosexual encounter in order to attract straight audiences. Particularly with lesbian films, they attempt to exploit the particular fantasies straight men have for sex with lesbians.
Alana,
I love this-
“She was being invited and ushered into an epically joyful piece of masculine culture- and there was absolutely no sexual tension, no quid pro quo. She didn’t have to lead him on or sleep with him to bask in the joys of his masculine universe. That is what it means to be loved by your father.”
Wow. That brought back memories with my Dad. You captured the father/ daughter relationship perfectly. It is most likely the only time a girl is loved by a man for who she is, unconditionally and without sexuality entering the mix.
Also, I share your view about sexuality. That at least for some, it can be complicated.
People tend to think in binary terms, black/white, right/left, but that doesn’t reflect true human experience. There are lots of grey areas and sexuality is one. Our current views about an exclusive straight/gay orientation ( for everybody) are not culturally or historically supported. And despite Peter’s dismissal, male bisexuality has been well documented in ancient Greece, ancient Rome and even modern day Pashtun tribes in Afghanistan.
even modern day Pashtun tribes
I think you are confusing situational homosexuality and bisexuality. It’s fair to say that most of those bisexuals in ancient Greece and Rome would be living with their male partners in Chelsea if they lived in 2010.
Sure, bisexuality exists but in very small numbers especially with men. While bisexuality appears to be more common with women, that represents a difference in how men and women experience sexuality. While the lesbian until graduation may be common among women, there is no equal gay until graduation because of the social stigma and required physical response necessary for male homosexuality.
Peter,
Situational homosexuality? Please explain.
As for the ancient Greeks and Romans, same sex activity was seen as normal and even encouraged. So it was quite common, not limited to a small minority of men. Recreational sex for men is only limited by what is culturally permissible.
All alt sexualities ( paraphilias, fetishes, etc)are higher among men than women. Why would you believe bisexuality is any different?
“Situational homosexuality” is homosexuality that occurs when there aren’t women available. Guys having sex in prison aren’t necessarily gay, just situationally homosexual. Poshtun nomads away from women would be situationally homosexual, like priests, military, etc. See also . . . Roman and Greek soldiers.
Arguably, Greeks and Romans who are having sex with women and men probably weren’t all that heterosexual but there was just no place to be gay, as we know it.
The reason men wouldn’t be more likely bisexual, again, is because sex with both men and women requires an anatomical and physiological response that is much more controlling for men that the physiological response that women have during sex.
There’s the old joke that the strange thing about bisexuals is that they all seem to end up spending most of their lives with men, whether they are women or men. There’s some truth in that anecdote.
RE bisexuality and situational homosexuality:
Here are some links to relevant articles at glbtq.com, the online encyclopedia of gay, lesbian, bisexuality, and transgender culture:
http://www.glbtq.com/social-sciences/bisex.html
http://www.glbtq.com/social-sciences/situational_homosexuality.html
And here is one to the related phenomenon of straight men who have sex with men:
http://www.glbtq.com/social-sciences/straight_men_who.html
Thanks for the links, Jay.
Interesting reading
Anna, they certainly validate your point about how inadequate the binary (or even trinary) terms are for describing sexuality (and I speak as a Kinsey 6).
Yea, I must say. I don’t think the heterosexual love scene between Jules and Paul is a strategic pandering to straight audiences so they’ll see the movie.
I for one, didn’t spend $12.50 on a ticket and $5 for some sugar water to watch twenty seconds of straight soft-core porn.
Two of my closest friends, who are also my roommates are a lesbian couple living together. One is all women all the time, the other displays more of a pan-sexualism.
I think more “femme” lesbians often enjoy the spectrum, much like Jules.
All that was missing was Obi-wan’s voice saying “use the force Jules” and Nic spiraling into space in her tiny fighter.
Jay: Anna, they certainly validate your point about how inadequate the binary (or even trinary) terms are for describing sexuality (and I speak as a Kinsey 6).
If sexuality could be described merely in binary terms, Jay, I’d find it much easier to support some form of same-sex marriage. As I see it, the fact that it cannot constitutes a major problem for what it (SSM) will mean down the line; it is this which makes it not just same-sex marriage or gay marriage but neutered marriage. If everyone was 100 percent gay or 100 percent hetero and knew it from childhood on this would be a much easier question. It’s the gray areas; the marginal cases, which make this problematic.
R.K. Do you propose every prospective person who wants to marry to be tested to see where they fall on the Kinsey scale, permitting only Kinsey 0s and Kinsey 6s to marry. Not very fair, since that would mean that most heterosexuals would not be allowed to marry. My husband and I would be all right since we are both perfect 6s.
No one should be allowed to conceive with someone of the same sex, even if they are a Kinsey 6 and it is absolutely clear to everyone that they are only attracted to people of the same sex. That doesn’t mean they don’t have the same rights as everyone else, it doesn’t mean we have to allow them to use experimental genetically modified gametes to procreate with someone they are attracted to.
Why can’t you compromise on equal protections and recognition in all other areas, without making the absurd demand for equal procreation rights, since it can’t even be done and might never be possible?