Dan Gilbert gives a speech on happiness at Ted.com.
Freedom to choose is the end of synthetic happiness
On marriage: For folks who enter a marriage thinking, “well if it goes wrong and I decide I don’t like them anymore, I can always get a divorce and find someone better…” Will they really be happier? Probably not. It seems for those of us who are “stuck” with something (or someone) we make the best of what we’ve been given, find the poetry, and learn to love it. Because we have to.
I got in a heated debate yesterday with my four roommates (all around 24, typical middle-class white kids interested in the arts). “I wish my parents had gotten a divorce” one said, “they would have been so much happier apart.” But would they have been? Would the split in financial security, the constant schlepping of children, and the scary search for a new someone really have been a trade up? Where does happiness come from? Is love instant? If it comes fast and swift can’t it be taken away just as quickly? Do we cultivate it? Does it thrive through attention? Do we attach ourselves to that one someone or that one idea, feed it, nurture it, and watch it develop through time and dedication?
If society tells us its okay to quit and start over, as often as we’d like- constantly trading up for better features, a newer model, are we being taught a raw lesson?
The key is commitment.
And as far as donor conception goes: parents, that shiny new kid ain’t gonna make you happy. Happiness is like an orgasm. You can’t expect someone else to provide one for you. You’re responsible for your own.
Categories: General
But would they have been? Would the split in financial security, the constant schlepping of children, and the scary search for a new someone really have been a trade up?
Those are great questions, but also underscore a reality. Everyone has an existential question about their life. For some, it’s “would my life had been better if my parents hadn’t divorced.” For others, it’s “would my life had been better if my unhappy parents had divorced.” In other cases, it’s “would my life be better if I knew my natural father,” while for others it’s “would my life be better if I hadn’t been adopted.”
Everyone has existential questions in their lives and if one existential question didn’t exist, there’d almost certainly be another. That’s life.
People who say oh I wish my parents had gotten divorced have no idea. There is so much they can take for granted simply by having one family that apparently it’s all just a given in their eyes, and invisible.
I’ve had that experience a number of times, Alana, and all
I can do is shake my head and stuff down the emotions and rational
arguments that immediately come flooding.
People who say oh I wish my parents had gotten divorced have no idea. There is so much they can take for granted simply by having one family that apparently it’s all just a given in their eyes, and invisible.
Or maybe they do know the agony of sitting through unhappy meals where mom’s anger at dad simmers evening after evening after evening. They hear the screaming matches, the “I’m only staying because of the kids,” the painful silences.
Everyone has their existential pain and everyone thinks there’s is unique. Many of them don’t know what divorce is really like and the pain divorce causes.
OTOH, you don’t know what it’s like to have warring parents under the same roof, the mother who drinks herself to sleep because of unhappiness, a father who stays away until late because he can’t bear being inside the house. You don’t know what it’s like for everyone to think you have the perfect family when it’s the war of the roses when the door is closed.
We’ve all got existential pain and we all think ours is worse than everyone else’s. Discounting their pain is as unfair as them discounting yours, not matter the political agenda.
Peter.
Miserable people are miserable people.
If those parents divorced and remarried they’d probably STILL be miserable people, only this time romantically involved with a new person.
But I think I mentioned this, every ADULT, with the power to make their own decisions, choose their own partner, choose their own vocation, choose their own entertainment, lifestyle, breakfast…. every adult has the power to create environments that work for them and cultivate THEIR OWN HAPPINESS. When choosing a mate, we have tools, support systems, friends, and our own insights to try and pick a mate that is good for us.
After that, its about making the most out of our decisions.
and the reason I am blogging and participating in this platform at all Peter is because I know my “existential pain” is NOT unique.
I’m not qualifying it as the worst. I think I’ve been clear on that. I am working on this topic because I think it is a pain that has been improperly defined and purposefully muffled because of monetary interests.
And counselors, religious leaders, therapists, and parents have NOT been prepared to deal with donor kid issues.
No one is informed.
That’s why I write on the topic.
Not because I think my pain is worse than anyone else’s.
Also:
There is a scale on pain and redemption.
I of course work on this topic because I’ve discovered I know a lot more about it than other people and my willingness to educate on the topic is valuable and helpful.
A lot of people take their pain and turn it into a life purpose.
But there is scale in that.
When people have good childhoods they can focus on larger (or smaller) social problems. Technology is created because human beings decide there’s a problem and they set out to fix it.
Me, the girl with no dad- I’ve decided “my life would be better if…” there were more (good) fathers. So I am dedicating huge amounts of my time and intellectual energy to spreading that idea.
Other humans, perhaps mostly satisfied with their family dynamics, decided to focus elsewhere on how to make the world a better place. Thomas Edison decided “my life would be better if…” i had incandescent light. cool for us, no?
When folks have the basics covered, they can go on to pursue more fantastic uses for their creativity and energy.
If we want an America that can compete technologically with every other country out there eager to take our spot, we need to be producing well-adjusted kids that feel whole- NOT distracted and plagued by personal issues no one can seem to help them with.