To parents who have already used commercial conception:
I am 23 years old and being rushed into answering some of life’s biggest problems. If you promise to be patient, I’ll do my best to answer. Though I expect it will take a lifetime…
Buddhism teaches us that all life is suffering. The world is not separated into good and evil, heaven and hell, Jesus and Lucifer. In Buddhism, the world is Kusala and Akusala. Kusala can be explained in many ways. Intelligence, justice, skill, health, talent, happiness, joy, generosity, kindness, empathy, love… These all fall under the category of Kusala. Akusala on the other hand, is everything opposite: lethargy, ignorance, humiliation, degradation, injustice, pain, dishonesty, deception, sickness…
The predicament of life will expose every being to both these forces. Some children will be exposed to an abundance of Kusala and those children will enjoy the blessings of the universe and the gift of life as they will be infused by the energy of joy, love, affection, truth, intelligence, health, friendship, etc… Other children will feel their cup drenched in the bitter flavor of Akusala, and their perception of the world and their circumstances may become defined by memes such as regret, contempt, mistrust, bitterness, illness, repudiation, revenge, sorrow…
As parents you have quite a bit of power to set up the circumstances surrounding your child’s early life. Your authority, interests, abilities and lessons will guide their experiences. When they grow up and develop their own ideas they will take their memories and experiences from childhood and make a judgment. Will your offspring remember their childhood as filled with an abundance of Kusala? Or will the slant of woe taint the whole of the memory?
As I criticize commercial conception, and the commodification of children as well as the zygotes that help create them, I am exploring and attaching all of the Akusala that may likely accompany such an exchange. Such as:
- Feelings of torment and humiliation by the spouse deemed infertile
- Jealousy, “otherness”, feelings of being an outsider by non-biological members of the family (half-siblings, social-parents, adopted children)
- Mistrust, anger at being told too late
- likeliness of child abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, lack of investment or negligence by non-biological social parent (trust me, it happens)
- Jealousy towards peers with biological parents
- Shame of peculiarity
- Ignorance of ancestry and stories that connect child to their cultural roots
- Ignorance of medical history
- Ignorance of relatedness (will I accidentally sleep with my half-sibling or cousin?)
- Massive anxiety when attempting to answer simple questions like “So what does your dad do?” or “What is your ethnicity?”
- Anti-social behavior as means of avoiding anxiety expected from such questions
- There is much evidence to suggest female children growing up in fatherless or father-lite families are more likely to be promiscuous, experience teen-pregnancy, and major confusion/low self-esteem in their relationships with males.
- There is much evidence to suggest male children growing up in fatherless or father-lite families will develop violent, misogynistic behaviors as an effect of having no gate-keeper into healthy expressions of masculinity.
- These misogynistic/misandrist/confused people will react against real humans in their environment and perhaps exacerbate shallow conclusions about the opposite sex: little boys who grow up to be misogynists will mistreat other little girls who have grown up to be misandrists and the two opposing forces will conclude that the other is never to be trusted- and the Akusala continues as both fail desperately, suffocating for love.
These are all examples of oppressive Akusala linked to commercial conception.
Now that you’ve already had your children using gamete donation, I urge you to proactively infuse your offspring’s childhood experience with as much Kusala as possible. I hope she has music. I hope she has theater and literature and love and great adventures. I hope she travels and feels affection. I hope she feels safe and stable and free to be herself. I hope she has the strength to be a good person and make the world a better place.
If you are mindful and holistic and intelligent, I bet you’ll be able to fill her with more Kusala. But in my experience and exploration, the lack of regulation, oversight and intelligent investigation of the fertility industry ensures major disharmony. As of right now, this system is not kosher.
This is not the venue to describe to you specific reasons for my bitterness. I am sorry to everyone who has experienced infertility. I understand that that is major Akusala, but I am trying to serve you by explaining that by reacting to infertility by using commercial conception, you are only inviting more Akusala into your life, or if not yours, almost certainly your child’s. I hope that helps.
Categories: General
very nice
Good karma
Its just so disheartening that you are sooo miserable in your own skin, always needing to know who created you and giving that person the power to fulfill you as a human being (or in this case, leave you feeling so empty, hurt and angry) that you can’t just enjoy being YOU.
If it is tacky to tell a donor child that he/she should be “grateful” to be existing, it is even more tacky to me to that the donor him/herself should be considered the be all/end all to a child’s happiness and fulfillment in life.
I hope you do find your peace someday, and i hope you realize before its too late that while you think you may be doing others a service, you are doing yourself a disservice but preaching from a pedestal about how awful your life and your mere existence is. That is spending way too much time with Akusala.
The next sunday you have free, don’t spend it in a shark tank. Spend it at the ocean with friends… or at my church for a really uplifting sermon and some great music and food afterwards…your soul will be so much happier.
No Dawn, not the be all and end all, but nonetheless a huge and vital constituent part.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6m7NR6iYjg
Haha. I think this wraps up my thoughts pretty well.
Isn’t shaming other people for their decisions also an Akusala? Are you really serving others by shaming them and aren’t you actually bringing more Akusala into your own life through your approach?
Let’s have a sense of scale here Peter.
So it seems there isn’t room for intellectual debate, is there. See, if we don’t agree and sympathize with your anger and bitterness, we are wrong and get a snide (albeit showing your age, you are young) response.
I’ll take my debate over to where it truly is an intellectual debate, and you can live here in your world where you are patted on your back for being angry, bitter and lost. With friends like these…..
I’m going to go back now to the news and worry over some current things, such as the BP oil spill, affecting the livelihood of my cousins down south and probably the ecology of the earth forever. You sit and stew some more over all the injustice that has been done to you personally.
You clearly are a gifted writer, but i’ve learned more from the replies of Tom, who has stated his position clearly and eloquently, and while i may disagree I can see his point of view.
Sorry i won’t be seeing you in church, religion is not everyone’s cup of tea, but yes, do get a puppy. They are a ton of fun and a ton of work and a ton of joy all wrapped up in a furry little package!
Let’s have a sense of scale here Peter.
I agree, and good advice for yourself. If one is going to drag Buddhism into a debate, one should be prepared for some self-reflection before giving “lessons” to others. Otherwise, they are false lessons.
Dawn, what you have to understand is that when donor-conceived people present their side of the story they feel very raw and exposed. There’s no way we can present our case dispassionately because it defines our lives.
Peter, Alana is not trying to lecture anyone. She’s trying to defend herself from criticism from those who don’t understand and don’t care to try to sympathize.
It’s impossible for a donor-conceived person to address this issue in a purely logical and dispassionate way. Our deep, deep human feelings about what has been done to us will always be there. This makes it extraordinarily difficult to communicate this issue to belligerent debating partners.
thank you Tom.
Tom, I understand that. Just don’t dress up ones anger in Buddhism and try to give “lessons” that come from anger and a place of Akusala. If you are going to use Buddhism is a model, then don’t misuse it. It’s tacky.
Peter, the donor-conceived people who dare to speak out about this practice are a very small and vulnerable group. We are angry and often condemnatory, but I advise you to listen to what we say, even when it doesn’t seem to make sense to you. I promise you it does make sense, but sometimes in a very unrefined way. If we all pay attention, you, me, Alana and everyone else will take some small steps closer to the truth.
Given the energy and power behind the fertility industry, it is very difficult to have a viewpoint that challenges the positive viewpoint that it presents.
I overwhelmingly agree that anger is an ineffective way to communicate. At the same time I didn’t find this post to be all that angry. In fact i think it was an attempt to find a middle ground while trying to get people to think about some of the disturbing ideas that aren’t discussed enough. They are challenging ideas that probably ring very true to those who have been affected in a negative way by donor conception- and may ring less true to those who have had a positive experience.
For the record, I’ve spent a good deal of time with Alana, and I have seen her struggle with these issues in a profound way. I’ve also found her to be a noble listener who is both mature beyond her years, and yet still a young woman struggling with difficult issues.
The blogosphere is a fractured world. On one hand most of the people who visit this site have some connection to each other. At the same time many people probably stumble upon these discussions as they surf for answers. As such, these discussion exist in both a closed loop, and the larger world at the same time. i think that this post exists in that balance- it’s an attempt to workout ideas within this community but also an effort to give another perspective to those who might be considering using a donor- and it’s an important perspective for them to have. I also believe that it was written in good faith. it states fairly simply- i don’t think this is the best idea- but if you are going to do this- go down that path knowing that these pitfalls might exist- and do everything you can mindfully do to help your child avoid them. It may be hard to hear- but it’s good advice for any parent.
VERY well said Michael. Thank you.
thank you michael!