Archives: May 2010

When cooking, its best to consider your ingredients and necessary tools when preparing a dish. You can search the local markets for the best spices and herbs, and take a trip to Williams-Sonoma for the best in culinary hardware—and when you come across that perfectly tender peace of veal, you will take pleasure in the process of marinating it, curing it, and giving it loving attention as heat and time slowly bring it to that delightful space of full flavor where every bite bursts on your tongue and you feel your body warmed with satisfaction and appreciation. And you’ll probably follow that bite with a sip of wine—perhaps you prefer a red because of its antioxidants, and perhaps you prefer it to be fermented locally, maybe even in an oak barrel, maybe even in an oak barrel imported from France because you heard that their oak is better than American oak. My point is, your beautiful meal, and the beautiful wine you wash it down with, was made with love and consideration in a process with ritual and consideration.

Do the holistics of such a meal appeal to you? Would you prefer a Big Mac and a coke?

It amazes me the intellectual energy some folks put into their food and beverages all while cheating the next generation of Americans the same kind of thoughtful consideration of process.

It’s a tough time realizing for the first time that your parents have serious shortcomings that hindered your well-being. I would agree it happens to everyone and its part of the journey of life to forgive and accept the unique challenges that come with every family situation, but perhaps each challenge is still worth describing… I’d like to offer you a timeline of poor decision making as my mother and her husband attempted to deal with life’s little struggles.

1981- adopted my sister from Korea. Apparently it was relatively easy with Korea’s particular bureaucracy structure at that time. Read More

I recently read a report on the Cinderella Effect: the phenomenon of stepchildren suffering from higher incidences of child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, or general mistreatment at the hands of their non-biological step-parent. I by no means am attempting to condemn every step-parent out there, however, the number one predictor for child abuse is, in fact, a child living in a home with a non-biological father.

When I argue about my loss of a biological father some say to me, “But Alana, you had a Dad. Why are you complaining?” They beg for me to describe the reasons for my anger and feelings of being cheated. Well, there are things that happen in a home that shouldn’t be shared with every stranger. There are privacy issues, and loyalties to the mother, and an unwillingness to disseminate the only family structure that does exist- there are huge pressures to be mindful of that often mean sacrificing truth and withdrawing from vocalizing hurt.

So consider life history theory:

…the assumption that any evolutionarily successful organism must balance its allocation of time, energy, risk, and other resources to itself- its own growth and maintenance (somatic effort)- with those spent on finding a mate and beginning reproduction.

and its implications:

…If child abuse is a behavioral response influenced by natural selection, then it is more likely to occur when there are reduced inclusive fitness pay-offs owing to uncertain or low relatedness. Thus, abuse of stepchildren by stepparents should be more likely than abuse of biological offspring by parents…

Donor offspring will be raised by at least one non-biological parent 100% of the time. So what is the likelihood that they will be abused? The lucky ones turn out un-scarred, maybe only suffering from slight negligence. The rest of us can place our harm on a value chart, or rate it from 1 to 10 as we wonder to ourselves, if my biological father had raised me, would it have happened this way?

Our webmaster has completed the formidible task of putting our marriage and family-related books, reports, briefs, fact sheets, and consensus statements on the new FamilyScholars.org site. Click the link called Publications, above, to find everything organized by “Marriage,” “Mothers,” “Fathers,” “Civil Society,” and “The Future of Parenthood.”

Since I’m somewhat new in the Family Scholars network, I’ve only recently managed to get copies of Elizabeth Marquardt’s book “Between Two Worlds- The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce” and David Blankenhorn’s “Fatherless America- Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem”. I just finished Elizabeth’s yesterday and I’m working on David’s. I’ve spent the last couple of days crying, crying!- at work, at home alone, in the lap of my surprised and concerned boyfriend, because never before has anyone articulated and recognized what have been my most pressing personal struggles so acutely as you have done with your work.

Elizabeth and David, because I know you’re reading- the work you’ve done, your research and investigations speak a huge truth. You both are brilliant and what I consider to be a godsend for kids like me. Because I’ve read your words, I no longer feel so crazy and confused about how my behaviors have betrayed idyllic notions of what a middle-class, intelligent female is supposed to look like. Because I’ve read your words, I don’t feel guilty and responsible anymore. I feel set free. I feel understood, finally. I can’t thank you enough for the work and struggle you’ve both championed.

Please don’t ever feel deterred. You may not feel like literal doctors and I may not be a literal patient on your operating table, but you’re saving my life and the lives of people like me nevertheless.